DB puts family phone calls on speaker when his wife is there, is this normal??

[Evelight]

We are four siblings, and despite ups and downs, quite close. Two of us live in different countries. This DB is the only one married, the rest of us unmarried/divorced.

Anyway, when of one of us other siblings calls to talk to DB, sometimes about sensitive family affairs (divorces, illnesses, family quarrels, sometime money issues), if his wife is there, DB puts the phone on speaker. TBF, his wife doesn't sit in on the speaker, but the conversation is broadcast.

he says they do the same when her family calls.

From our point of view, this is unnecessary, and there are plenty of things we would like to (and sometimes need to) talk about with DB which we wouldn't necessarily want DSISL privy to. I should hasten to add, she is a perfectly nice, normal woman and we have no problems with her. We don't even mind if he later tells her what we were talking about. This speaker phone business just seems bizarre.

From his point of view, they are one unit, and they don't keep secrets from each other.

they are both fairly young (late twenties), and have been married for two years, so some honeymoon period thing? But it also means, since we are in different countries,we don't really "know" his wife, it's not like we have a long, established relationship with her.

Thoughts? Is this normal?

I have lots of brothers and sisters.None of them do this. It would be pretending you had the same relationship with someone you've known for 2 years (your DSIL) as you have with someone who you've known your entire life (your DB). Also, even in a relationship, you're entitled to privacy.
If it was a woman posting that her husband didn't let her have private conversations with her family, it would be a red flag. I hope your DB doesn't do it to justify monitoring his DW's calls in the same way.

my sil comes round to our house to have private meetings with my dh. she does include her dh sometimes. i have no idea what they talk about because i wouldn't expect my dh to break her confidence. they're within their rights of course, but as the excluded one i'm bloody hurt. it's been going on for years now and we've been married over a decade.

so i can see why he does it. but i can tell you as the excluded one it feels really really crap to be cut out like that. either she's part of your family or she's not.

Tazerface has it exactly right. I discuss the indignities of pregnancy with my DSis, and would really hate it if BIL was listening in - I don't care if she tells him later, but I definitely don't want to personally relate to him info about my leaky boobs, frequent farting and alternating constipation and diarrhea!

Or is he doing it so that he can talk hands-free whilst getting on with something else?

I've got a friend who does this - puts me on speaker-phone so she doesn't have to tie up her hand holding the phone and can chat whilst she does some crafting bits and bobs. It gives my speech an annoying 'echoey' quality, but I don't mind chatting to her whilst she's working.

Or maybe she's got a room full of people there who are all laughing at me afterwards... (shudder)

I think you're being perfectly reasonable.

There is a dynamic about a one-to-one phone call where you know exactly who you're talking to and where their attention is (listening to you of course). If there is a second person there who may or may not be doing a crossword/diy/the ironing etc and happens to be listening in (or in fact if they are sitting still with one ear cocked toward the phone) it just isn't the same kind of communication.

In my mind, speakerphones are for meetings, celebrations (eg giving your family good news) or to keep you from making two phone calls or repeating yourself when both people you want to speak with are in the room. They're not really right for talking about your difficult divorce.

Equally he isn't exactly being wildly unreasonable, or at least I can sort of see how he fails to see your point (though if you don't like the speakerphone I don't know why he just doesn't stop doing it). Could this be an age thing? I could see how someone younger might fail to see the difference in nuance.

If you want to talk to him about family sensitive stuff then just send him personal emails. Or just don't phone him anymore, let him phone you and, when he does, have your speaker phone on and have the tele/music turned up loudly and encourage the dog to keep barking and when you have kids get them to continually shout. If he asks you to turn off the speaker then say, 'Of course, if you will too.'.

There si a big difference between not keeping secrets, and having the convo broadcast word for word.

Reporting the convo afterwards: DS is a bit upset at the moment about her divorce.

On speaker: the wife hears you crying etc

I know which I would prefer!

My mum does this with her partner and it irritates everyone in the family. It irritates me because I can barely hear her and she can barely hear me so we're both constantly asking the other to repeat what was said previously. However her partner never puts her phone on loud speaker. She keeps her family conversations private. I don't tell my mum lots of things because I don't like the whole loud speaker thing. Her partner is fine, it's just that sometimes when you're upset and crying and in a right state, you don't want anyone else privy to it. So telling afterwards is fine, but I feel it's a bit rude to do loud speaker when it's of a sensitive nature to the other person. If I put anyone on loud speaker I always tell them before, so they can chose to call back at another time, when I'm not in the middle of something where I need my hands.

DH would do this, but then he is a lot closer to me than his family. Some of them are abusive, some aren't, but they seem to exhibit some very unhealthy manipulative behaviours and make him very unhappy - exposing the conversation/mind games/attempts to get money/etc in the normal grounded context of our home seems to help, even if I don't pipe up and say anything. Like it robs them of their power for him.

My brother does this and I have no idea why.

It's not like I'm talking about something that's relevant to her either, it's the usual shit, kids won't sleep blah blah.

I also get the feeling his other half is about it too!

Sometimes it's as if the conversation is for her benefit though - which I find bizarre tbh.

I. E. He's saying things to please her.

They aren't a "unit", they are two separate people- only one of which you know well.
You all need to tell him that he tells his wife later or you stop sharing everything as it's too embarassing over the phone. It's not that you don't want her to know it's just awkward on speakerphone as it would be, even if you knew the people involved really well. Then deal with the fall out. Present a united front.

I do this.

For some reason I cannot not hear the conversation if they are on a normal call. It drives us all nuts when they have to repeat the conversation 50 times.

However I normally go into another room, so my partner can't hear

@Zaphodsotherhead Thu 22-Jun-17

Or is he doing it so that he can talk hands-free whilst getting on with something else?

I've got a friend who does this - puts me on speaker-phone so she doesn't have to tie up her hand holding the phone and can chat whilst she does some crafting bits and bobs. It gives my speech an annoying 'echoey' quality, but I don't mind chatting to her whilst she's working.

My DH does this on the phone to his Mum as frankly she repeats herself so many times that he likes to get on with other stuff. Which is his call if he's in another room, but it gives me the rage when he comes and sits in the quiet room where I was getting on with something and I have to endure his mother's wittering. My own mother is a bit of a witterer, but I don't inflict her calls on DH. Added to which he speaks to his Mum every day and sees her at least twice a week. I speak to mine once a fortnight and see her three or four times a year (different country).
I really wish he would either not put her on speaker or go elsewhere to do it.

I've no desire to listen in to my DH's private conversations with his family, and I know for sure that he has no interest in listening in to the bletherings of me and mine.

If there's anything of any note in the conversation, he'll tell me later
and me him.

I'll go further. I think it's a really odd thing to do. Strange. Weird.

Argh, I hate this. I have a particualr family member who do this in front of step relations who I didn't/ don't know well, and it is really odd. Once there was even a random plumber hanging around

Very weird and the person would not stop until I started putting the phone down and of course it was me who was BU. Typical!! I think the person was doing as a response to his wife being controlling, but also because he is very odd and rude in himself :(

It's only normal to have knowledge of who you are talking to and it isn't about being secretive. A person might relay the general gist of a conversation perhaps but not all the details - otherwise I'd tell them myself.

My dad does this and I hate it as if other relatives are with him they'll suddenly chip in. His hearing is bad so i accept it but do have to remember to ask who else is in the house when I phone him.
If it's your brother I'd just keep phone conversations to stuff you don't mind her hearing and accept you can't really chat to him any more it's more like giving a public broadcast.
I think it's sad she's that desperate to know what's going on in your lives. If my husband wanted to broadcast his chats to his mum and sister to me I'd tell him I have other stuff to be getting on with.
I do think it's rude, particularly if you don't tell the other person. If someone phones me in the car and someone else is in the car I'll always tell the caller the phone is on hands free because I'm driving and x is in the car with me before they start talking.

I would just text him and say that sometimes, you need to chat about more sensitive stuff and you would like to chat without the kids hearing for example.

I'm not saying he wouldn't then go and tell whatever you were chatting about to his wife, but in the first conversation, i would also feel awkward having everybody listening in.

Do you know what I think it's for.......so he doesn't then have to remember what you said and relay it back to Dw when she asks how you are and what news you've got etc.
It's a lazy bloke thing I reckon.

I agree that it just feels awkward talking on speaker phone.

My parents do this and it drives me effing insane. I now ask every time I speak to them who can hear me because they do it when there's randoms in the room and don't tell me - my mother once launched into a big story all about my aunt, which I was expeted I presume to comment on, wihtout telling me she was there listening. I don't even think my mum is stirring, they're just weird.

They also both sit miles away from the bloody phone so I can't hear either of them, and quite regularly stop talkign to me and just chat among themselves whilst I'm hanging on the phone. I generally ask them to put me on normal phone and talk one at a time now, it's incredibly irritating.

2rebecca

When my DD rings me from the car she'll always say 'you're on loudspeaker, please don't swear'

I'm unlikely to swear, but it's just a tactful way of immediately letting me know that others can hear me.

My DH does this - it's because he's doing stuff, usually his hobby, not because I''m listening in . I'm often not even on the same floor as him though I might walk in and out of the room for stuff.

My FIL often wants DH to keep secrets from me as I'm not family - DH tends to tell me anyway as it's usually not important in his view. Recently they went all funny about the speaker phone - they were again being funny about what I could know as I'm not family - annoyingly it involved our, DH and mine, finances which was IMO and DH not really their business.

So I can see why it's annoying but it may be nothing to do with the wife and it will need careful handling not to cause offence.

YANBU OP.

I think some posters here are unable to read or at least comprehend what you have posted.

You are not asking him to keep secrets, you just want to speak to him without it being on speaker as you do not wish to actually discuss certain things in this manner.

That's absolutely fine. Just say you are not comfortable for your calls to always be on speaker and he can update his wife afterwards.

People like this are very annoying. No identity of their own.

Thanks all, for the responses. It seems the consensus that it is weird, but at the same time could be hurtful to the excluded party. and TBf I would find it wildly inappropriate if my H, at any moment of our relationship, honeymoon or not, expected my calls to my family to be on speaker. And he never did.

Anyway, I guess we have to find a way of raising it with him in a way which doesn't sound excluding towards his wife, or just stop speaking about sensitive stuff. Which in the case of our younger DSIS has already happened, and is kinda sad.

so he doesn't then have to remember what you said and relay it back to Dw when she asks how you are and what news you've got etc

He doesn't have to relay it word for word. Just a general 'yes, she's fine' would do me. Or 'no, the dog diesdI don't see why the dw has to know every single word that's spoken. As I said before. Weird.