Cut out of inheritance and still a bit raw

[notmyrealnameyo]

My father was wealthy, he was also an addict (drink and drugs). My DM left him when I was 2 (when he puked in my potty after a batch of bad heroin, I kid you not).

Because he was wealthy he was 'above the law' (didn't get involved with petty criminality, just stayed in one of his houses getting wrecked), he also avoided mental health professionals (he was definitely mentally ill by the end).

My father didn't pay a penny towards my upkeep as a child (he used to blackmail my mum by saying he'd share secrets about her if she pushed for any money - I only learned this as an adult).

I saw him infrequently as a child, he'd often not turn up to pick me up, or leave me with strange people while he smoked opium (again, I kid you not).

I didn't see him for the last 9 years of his life.

He died in 2011. He left his entire estate to my half-brother (10 years younger, child of his most recent wife).

When he died he made me the executor of his will, so I organised probate etc. for SB. It was a large and complex estate. SB did nothing to help, in fact obstructed where possible.

DM and probate solicitor suggested I contest the Will, I didn't as I felt like it was his to do what he wished with and I didn't want to upset SB who'd lost his father (and hero worshiped him).

Even to this day, I'm resentful, I have no relationship with SB anymore. I just know that if the opposite had happened, I'd have given SB a little cut, just enough to mean he didn't have to scrimp and could put a deposit on a house.

AIBU?

You should have contested the will. You didn't. It sucks, but in the end your father made his choice & you made yours.

I think your feelings are quite justified op and your sb sounds a selfish twat like your dad.

Coukd you still contest it now?

What a fucking cheek to get you do do all the shitwork of being an executor but dismiss you as a beneficiary.
I am not sure if I would have challenged the will in your position (maybe) but I would certainly have declined executorship.

luninaries I know you're right, that's what the pragmatist in me says, he behaved badly and I tried to behave as well as I could. But I did cut my nose off to spite my face.

waitforit I'm afraid not, I can't remember the deadline but it may be one year post probate being granted.

He was a really shit about it honey wantonly making it hard for me, messing- up houses I'd cleaned (for the first time in decades), refusing to release funds for professional cleaning (I cleaned because I wanted the properties to get the best possible value, which they wouldn't when the carpet was coated in something that felt like wax and dog hair).

I tried to do the RIGHT thing and support SB, I saw it as the final part of my relationship with my father, The End. And I. Some ways it has been, I'm just surprised by my ongoing bitterness.

And I feel a bit like a martyr... 'poor old me so hard done by' which is not how I usually am at all!

You have been very hard done by.

But in a way, three cheers, because it's closure. Finally, you have 0 to remember Dad by, which is good news because surely you don't want to be reminded of him every five minutes.

SB is an arse.

Grieve for the father you should have had.

You're better off without them both.

Hurtful as it is, you didn't have a relationship with your father, you didn't see him for the last 9 years of his life. He chose not to leave you anything. Therefore you're not entitled to anything, and nor should your half brother feel that he should give you anything. That was your Dad's choice to make, and he chose not too. It's not up to your half brother to override your Dad's wishes. You are an adult, and have no legal right to be supported by your deceased estranged father. You deserved a better father when you were a child, but no amount of money can compensate for that. It's a shame to have lost a relationship with your half brother over money that you never had any entitlement to, if it's fixable, and your half brother is someone you want in your life, I'd try to mend that relationship.

There's no way I'd have been the executor, though. No chance at all.

Yanbu, you've been treated appallingly

Hopefully karma will bite his arse and be kind to you going forward. You both deserve it.

you know what you should have done...

You didn't need to take the role as executor and could have refused. It would have been far more complicated for your half-brother to sort out.

What is done, is done.

It is hard when a parent who diesn't act like a parent dies. Maybe chase up the paperwork see where you stand?

I don't think SB can be blamed for abiding by his fathers wishes. If it helps settle things for you I wouldn't have said you had a great case for a challenge anyway. You were an adult from whom he was estranged. His decision to appoint you executor was an odd one, but goes against you in that he didn't simply "forget" to include you at all, he just didn't want you to inherit for whatever reason.

So I wouldn't regret not attempting a legal challenge because it would in all likelihood have been a waste of money

I feel very sad for you reading that. Your father was a let down to you in his life, and he let you down in his death too. But how cruel to make you involved in distributing out his estate when he didn't leave anything to you in it. Your stepbrother sounds a chip off the old block too. Yes he legitimately inherited everything, but if he had a heart (and especially if he inherited a lot) he ought to have passed something onto you. You, on the other hand, sound like a strong person with morals. At least you don't take after him, so perhaps he did you one favour in not passing his characteristics onto you..

He's not your stepbrother though, is he? He's your half-brother?

Doesn't sound like that apple fell far from the tree. I understand you feeling cheated, but the end result would have been the same if he'd just been a common-or-garden addict and pissed all his money up the wall, so did you half expect something from his will?

WHOA YANBU

and to rub it in by making you executor, burn in hell you nasty old cunt - sorry

I also tend to agree that contesting wills can be futile. he made his decision, and that's that really. maybe you would have got something, but just as likely you would not have.

Its a horrible situation to be in, he was a cruel man and your stepbrother has a heart of stone too.

I am sorry this happened, and hope you can get yourself through it

Look you see your father for what he is. your SB adored him, how fucked up is that?

Don't blame you for feeling bad about it - I guess it confirmed your view of how your father treated you which is not a nice thing to have to know. Tbh I would have renounced the executorship but, hard as it is, the best thing now for your own sanity is to put it all behind you.

I'm afraid that YABU.
You could have contested the will but chose not to.
You could have renounced being executor but chose not to.
It was a bad situation but you didn't make it any better.

You have been hard done by, it sucks and it's not fair.

You sound as if you handled being an executor so well, and you sound like a very decent person.

SB is the one who has lost out, on a relationship with you, he's lost out on the chance to be a decent human being, and he missed the opportunity to do the right thing. Shame on him.

Your DF made a mistake by not including you in the will, or maybe he was just an arsehole, or mistakenly thought that would mean your DM would be able to access his money, who knows. You deserved more.

As you say you are surprised by the bitterness that you thought would have subsided by now, who don't you get some counselling to try to process your emotions?

Good luck, you deserve some closure

mrsm43s really? That's harsh! The OP has been treated shockingly by her father and her step brother. Why should she try to mend a relationship with her step brother who treated her badly while she was trying to sort out the estate?

OP, of course you feel hurt. You have been treated appallingly by your father and your SB. As hard as it is, I would walk away. Trying to contest the will at this stage and having to deal with your SB will cause you even more hurt. If your SB was a decent kind, he would have offered you part of the inheritance already. It looks like he is cut from the same cloth as your father and would fight you on this.

So sorry.

I think this is a case of 'shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a...'

Sorry OP.

I too would not have contested the will, it would have been a long and stressful process and even if the OP had won, would she have ever felt right about taking money that her DF didn't want her to have?

I think what OP is struggling with it the long lasting bitterness that she had hoped she'd be over by now.

You've been treated really badly. It really sucks. You have every right to be angry. But anger is a destructive emotion. Allow yourself time to feel furious. But at some point soon you need to draw a line under it. Remaining angry is giving your sb and your late father power over you.

The limit for contesting a will under Inheritance Law is 6 months from the date probate is granted so your chance to do that is long gone.

I think it's one of those things you just have to let go of tbh - hanging on to these feelings of resentment can't be doing you any good - as Dr Phil would say "how's that working out for you?"

You chose to act as executor, you could have said No, you chose not to contest the will, you chose to clean houses, you chose to do 'the right thing by SB' - you made choices that now you might make differently - well that's life isn't it. SB isn't you so there's no point wanting him to act as you did, he's him and you're you.

Move on, let it go - on the basis you can't contest the will really what choice have got.

And I'm sorry life gave a crappy Dad

I think part of your resentment now is towards yourself for "letting it go" instead of contesting it at the time.

But you have no choice now - you had the chance, and you didn't take it,, so you must learn to let it go.

Your father was a selfish, self-indulgent man - looks like his son is the same. Don't expect any more of him than you got from your father.

Move on.