Cut out of inheritance and still a bit raw

[notmyrealnameyo]

My father was wealthy, he was also an addict (drink and drugs). My DM left him when I was 2 (when he puked in my potty after a batch of bad heroin, I kid you not).

Because he was wealthy he was 'above the law' (didn't get involved with petty criminality, just stayed in one of his houses getting wrecked), he also avoided mental health professionals (he was definitely mentally ill by the end).

My father didn't pay a penny towards my upkeep as a child (he used to blackmail my mum by saying he'd share secrets about her if she pushed for any money - I only learned this as an adult).

I saw him infrequently as a child, he'd often not turn up to pick me up, or leave me with strange people while he smoked opium (again, I kid you not).

I didn't see him for the last 9 years of his life.

He died in 2011. He left his entire estate to my half-brother (10 years younger, child of his most recent wife).

When he died he made me the executor of his will, so I organised probate etc. for SB. It was a large and complex estate. SB did nothing to help, in fact obstructed where possible.

DM and probate solicitor suggested I contest the Will, I didn't as I felt like it was his to do what he wished with and I didn't want to upset SB who'd lost his father (and hero worshiped him).

Even to this day, I'm resentful, I have no relationship with SB anymore. I just know that if the opposite had happened, I'd have given SB a little cut, just enough to mean he didn't have to scrimp and could put a deposit on a house.

AIBU?

Probably not best to dwell on it. It felt like the right decision at the time. You made those decisions for a reason that was a good one at the time. You now have the benefit non benefit of hindsight. Just concentrate on the fact that none of this was your fault. You were just too nice.

Time to let it go and move on. Perhaps some counselling could help you untangle the damage he did?

Really shitty of him to rub your nose in it by making you an executor though.

If you had asked us beforehand, I would have said not to accept the job of executor.

But look on the bright side, your mother was too wise to let you have to grow up with this man.

And yes, isn't SB actually HB?

I agree with you completely. I think the decent thing would have been for your SB to give you a cut.

My DGM tries to control family relationships using her will. She was an extremely toxic parent (to the point of various forms of abuse) and continues to try to control her children ow. People are regularly put in and cut out. We know she is like this, so we go on about our business, secure in the knowledge that we'll sort it out fairly after she's gone by giving each other sums of money to even it out.

I would have contested the will and I certainly wouldnt have been the executor. In trying to give out love unconditionally you have been taken advantage of - just don't let this pattern play out in your other life relationships. Be fair with people but don't try to fix this by continually going above and beyond, because you will continue to get taken advantage of. Remember that nothing you do now, and no interaction you have with anyone now, has anything to do with your father, and will not change him or how he treated you. People often get trapped in cycles of trying to replicate and fix relationships with a parent in how they interact with other people. That is very natural and tempting but it is pointless.

Thanks for the responses, sorry yes he is my HB not my SB. I'm used to writing DD and DH - but I don't think I've ever written HB before (aside from pencils).

My father actively wrote me out of the Will, I was named as someone who would not benefit. I believe my HB told him to (because HB told me that's what happened). HB's mother (who I am quite fond of but don't have a real relationship with) was the first person to mentions that HB should give me a 'cut'.

I don't know if I expected to inherit from my father, I'd never actively considered it. I think I might have, on a subconscious level, presumed that it'd 'all come right' though never considered whether that would be by inheriting, or my father and I rebuilding our relationship before his death, or whatever.

I don't regret going NC with my dad, it was he correct thing to do. It's just a bit hurtful that he actively sought to hurt me.

How bizarre that a wealthy parent who could have left his estate in hands of solicitors to sort out - left it to you to sort out but didn't leave you a penny/

I think you should have declined to be his executor, handed it over to expensive solicitors to sort out for your brother. It seems cruel to me!!
You may be able to fight for something now seeing as he never supported you....

decide if you want to do that otherwise...forget it.

Notmy - did no one tell you at the time that you could have refused to be executor? I think that is active cruelty from your "father", making you be executor of a Will that you could not benefit from. Really wicked stuff. :(

Honestly, it's your father who is totally in the wrong here, not your half brother.

It's not your half brother's fault that your father was a bad father to you.
It's not your half brother's fault that your father wrote you out of the will
It's not your half brother's fault that your father that your father snubbed you still further by making you the executor
It's not your half brother's fault that you were NC (rightly so IMO) with your father
It's not your half brother's job to go against his recently deceased father's (who presumably he had a loving relationship with?) specific wishes.
It really just isn't your half brother who's the one in the wrong here -it's your father, who has failed you massively.

Your HB giving you money wouldn't make your father a better dad.
Your HB giving you money wouldn't stop you from knowing that your father deliberately wrote you out of his will
Your HB giving you money would probably make him feel awful - that he'd specifically gone against his deceased father's wishes.

How do you think money (from someone you had had no relationship with in 9 years) would help? Which wrong would it right?

You have lots to feel bitter about. But that bitterness should be directed fully at your father who really let you down, not your half brother.

Thankfully I don't have any step or half siblings, but I'm fairly sure I couldn't go specifically against one of my parent's express wishes after their death, I just couldn't, because it would be disrespectful to them. Perhaps if it looked like someone had been accidentally left out, and I knew that parents would have wanted them to benefit, but to override an express clause in the will to disinherit someone, really I couldn't, because would know that it's not what they wanted.

I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this. I hope you have a lovely mum who double makes up for your lacking father.

You were not a dependant so you would have had no basis upon which to contest the will, so you haven't lost anything by not doing so, just saved yourself a lot of stress and pain.

It was incredibly cruel to make you the executor if you were not going to inherit anything, or do you think this was a will which just evolved and that you were a beneficiary under an earlier will?

HB's mother must be appalled by the behaviour of both her husband and son, as it sounds as though she has been cut out too, and I would have thought that she would have an excellent claim against the estate. It sounds as though she might be your best ally and friend in this appalling situation.

So basically you are wondering how it would be if you had contested the will. Well you decided a long time ago you didn't want your father in your life, money or not. You took the moral high ground and you can hold your head high. Your brother is a shit and contesting the will could have been drawn out and painful and for what? money. It's a cliche for a reason, it does not buy you happiness and your father is proof of that. You shouldnt have had to be the executor but what is done is done.

I think you were treated terribly! And that you acted with great generosity of spirit. Frankly I would have told them all to fuck off.

I think it's very understandable that this is eating at you at a later date. Our 'heads' process things in their own good time. Have you considered counseling?

Got that wrong, mrs - read this bit again:
"My father actively wrote me out of the Will, I was named as someone who would not benefit. I believe my HB told him to (because HB told me that's what happened)."

If I'm reading that correctly, actually the HB IS to blame, in part, for the OP getting nothing. And since she mentioned that her father had MH issues at the end of his life, then yeah, I think we can safely say that her HB made damn sure she got nothing.

OP, why did you agree to be the executor?

And you cleaned and cleared the houses in order to get the best price for your HB?

Op you are a better person than me. Oh well you learn from your mistakes don't you. If you can work out why you did it, it might help. I don't blame you for feeling bitter but counselling for why you felt the need to do this is probably a good idea.

Hindsight is always 20/20.
Yes, you should have refused to be executor. You should have contested the will. And you certainly shouldn't have cleaned up houses.
You've been treated appallingly by your father in life and in death. Perhaps you should speak to a professional? To help you let go of all this and put it behind you? You really do have my sympathies OP.

rightwine - I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think there is something in the "Role of the executor" that would have suggested that the executor is meant to get best price for any real estate, so the OP would probably have done it because of that.

Dad's been executor for several Wills, and I'm fairly sure that's the case (but not a lawyer, and haven't read the Role of the Executor so not necessarily right)

ThumbsWitchesAbroad, yes it looks like I missed that bit. But even so, that can be interpreted in many ways - i.e Father said "I don't want OP to inherit" and HB said "if you feel like that, then you need to make it official and write it in your will" or it could be HB "Hey father, why don't you write OP out and leave it all to me?" We just don't know, and it's unlikely that even OP really knows. Perhaps it's less hurtful to her to lay it at HBs feet, I can certainly see that.

In any case that's not the point I'm making. I think that OP has been massively failed, but by her father. She needs to make peace with how her father treated her, and by holding this seething resentment towards her half brother, she can't move forward and heal, it's holding her back. Her HB giving her money, or contesting the will or whatever would not have healed the hurt caused by her father writing her out of the will, it would not have healed the hurt he caused her in her life. She has to work through that, and I think that the blame on the HB is distracting/diverting her from the real healing that she needs to do to move forward from this.

OP, I hope you find a way to put this behind you and find the peace that you need.

why didn't your mother sue for child support?

did anyone ever confront him ever?

OP said that her father blackmailed her mother by threatening to reveal past happenings in mother's life.

Yes, it's unfair.

Yes, it would definitely hurt.

You're a better person than me for staying on as executor.

But inheritance wouldn't make up for all the shit he put you and your family through.

Better to have absolutely no tie to him at all.

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

Mrsm43s did you read the bit about how her HB actively sabotaged her attempts to execute the will?
Her HB giving her some money might have been healing to the extent that at least one family member cared. And I don't think it's about the money per se but what it represents: something back in return for the lack of caring during the OP's childhood. If the HB actively lobbied for the OP to be disinherited, and I believe he did, then he should at least have been honourable enough to take responsibility for some of the role of sorting out the estate. To leave her to do it all, and even more so to sabotage it, is unbearably cruel.
I don't buy all that having to accept the father's wishes either. He kept it all because he's as mean and selfish as his father. In completely different circumstances I gave some of my bequest (not from a relativel but family friend) to some relatives as it was the right thing to do.
Obviously nothing will make up for what you lost as a child OP but I think you're allowed to be angry before you start to reconcile yourself to what happened. Good luck Op.

Thumb I think someone told me at the time I could refuse, but it was largely glossed over, and I must admit there was some pride involved. I felt like I should take high moral ground (maybe even to prove my father wrong).

I gave myself all sorts of reasons he'd made me executor but disinherit me: I was reliable, I was independently reasonably financially stable (kinda), I didn't need the money where as HB has never had a job (aside from when he decided to be a rapper and won £50 in a rap battle). He is now 30 so was 24 when our father died. I was 34, married and pregnant. But really he did it to punish me for going NC, I don't think anyone had ever really stood up to him before.

I try to believe that HB overstated his role in the Will decision, and that he just wanted to sound important when he said that he orchestrated the change of Will, who knows?

You're all right though, what's done is done. I may have been too proud for my own good, but my dad behaved like a schmuck.

I was independently reasonably financially stable (kinda), I didn't need the money

Then you would have had no claim under the Family Provision Act even if you had sued in time, which was six months from probate. If that's any consolation.

In your shoes I would have renounced probate and told HB to sort it out for himself.

I can't believe that you agreed to be the executor and put all that work in. Best to let go now, there is nothing that can be changed and it isn't even worth thinking about.