Cut out of inheritance and still a bit raw

[notmyrealnameyo]

My father was wealthy, he was also an addict (drink and drugs). My DM left him when I was 2 (when he puked in my potty after a batch of bad heroin, I kid you not).

Because he was wealthy he was 'above the law' (didn't get involved with petty criminality, just stayed in one of his houses getting wrecked), he also avoided mental health professionals (he was definitely mentally ill by the end).

My father didn't pay a penny towards my upkeep as a child (he used to blackmail my mum by saying he'd share secrets about her if she pushed for any money - I only learned this as an adult).

I saw him infrequently as a child, he'd often not turn up to pick me up, or leave me with strange people while he smoked opium (again, I kid you not).

I didn't see him for the last 9 years of his life.

He died in 2011. He left his entire estate to my half-brother (10 years younger, child of his most recent wife).

When he died he made me the executor of his will, so I organised probate etc. for SB. It was a large and complex estate. SB did nothing to help, in fact obstructed where possible.

DM and probate solicitor suggested I contest the Will, I didn't as I felt like it was his to do what he wished with and I didn't want to upset SB who'd lost his father (and hero worshiped him).

Even to this day, I'm resentful, I have no relationship with SB anymore. I just know that if the opposite had happened, I'd have given SB a little cut, just enough to mean he didn't have to scrimp and could put a deposit on a house.

AIBU?

Why did your half brother sabotage your efforts at being executor, selling property to attain the highest possible financial profit etc. if he was to be sole beneficiary? This really doesn't make sense. Surely he would want to maximise his inheritance.

apostro he sabotaged it out of his own idiocy, not necessarily abject malice. I spent 2 days scrubbing a house, he invited his friends over to get stoned and drink beer. Dirtied every surface in the house. Left it looking like a house party had just exploded, I was walking Foxtons around beer cans and the overwhelming stink of weed.

Similar with the second town-house, he invited his girlfriend and her two (un housetrained) dogs to live there in the three weeks it was on the market.

Regarding not releasing funds for a cleaner, that was greed, and a life long 'why should I?' attitude.

That's shit of your dad, and I would bet you're right that he did it to punish you for going NC. Your half brother has obviously inherited his dickishness. You got screwed over in the will, but you are a much better person than either of them and you'll have more people that care about you around you in later life than either of them did/will. I would think about talking all this through with a counsellor/therapist though to fully offload and put it behind you.

We're you able to invoice the estate for an executor's wage at least?

All sounds shit. Good riddance I say.

Hmm - that might only be an American thing actually. Thinking of a friend who was able to charge an hourly rate from sorting her father's estate.

Having been in a very similar situation I have learned you can only tuck it in the farthest recess of your mind and try to 'forget' Thinking about it and feeling bitter will only damage you further. The fact is, life ain't fair and for some of us it doesn't get better.

My Dads will left everything to my mother on the (sadly unwritten) understanding that she would then make me the main beneficiary of her will. She didn't. She left the whole damn lot to my brother who has a job most of us only dream of in terms of salary. She also made me executor.. but I refused to do it.

I am ill, can't work and have nothing. But, you know what... I would rather be where I am than have cheated someone else out of what they were entitled to.

Chin up OP.. move on and try to put this behind you

That's a dreadful thing to do to someone. If your HB had anything about him, he'd ensure you receive a decent part of his inheritance. Is it possible to sue him/the estate for your father's neglect of you during your childhood? Some sort of back pay? I'm saddened for you.

cantfind I'm sorry you found yourself in this position too, it's so hurtful to be overlooked in such a 'final' way.

And PPs are probably right, I was a bit of a mug.

I think if you have a crap parent you very much want to make a good impression to the world to prove you aren't tarred with the same brush. So you would take on the executor ship and do it well. So you could say it was for your own self esteem you took it on.

^this in spades. There was certainly a sense of doing right where he had done wrong and by night fighting for the money proving that I wasn't greedy and miserly like my father.

Also a sense that my father had inherited his wealth (he never worked at all) and so I didn't want to follow in his footsteps of being a 'taker' rather than a worker.

*not fighting

OP you sound very sensible and grounded. This must sting - a lot - but your life sounds a great deal happier and more rewarding than your HB's life.

You took control and went NC with your Dad because it was the best thing for you. Is HB being truthful when he claims that he was behind you being cut out of the will? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, it doesn't matter. You stepped up and discharged the executor duties - you were honest, moral and ethical about it. You can look at how you have behaved with a completely clean conscience and know that, despite it being very difficult, you stepped up and did the right thing.

I'd strongly recommend seeing a counsellor to help you work through the residual feelings of hurt and bitterness - which are completely understandable BTW! However the counsellor should be able to help you process these feelings and, hopefully, help you to put them aside and move on with your life.

They say that the best revenge is living well - and it really feels apt in your case. Your HB may well have the material proceeds of the will, but I bet he won't end up being anywhere near as happy and settled in his life as you are.