To think my children may have very different intelligence levels

[lavenderbasket]

It's early days yet but my son has always been on the G & T register at school, always been quick to pick up new concepts, very clever at maths.

DD, in comparison, is more ... average.

It's early days but comparing her to DS at the same age I do notice big differences. She's a perfectly 'normal' child developmentally. And she's lovely and pretty and bright so that's all fine.

But it has got me wondering - how do you deal with it when your children are so very different?

All children are different to each other. Best to deal with it by not comparing and responding to each according to their needs. Not sure what the issue is really. Same as if one kid is sporty and the other is tekky. You do sports with one, tekky stuff with other, and plenty of stuff all together. Watch and listen and discover as you go.

Don't label them, and don't let other people label them.

He isn't 'the clever one'. She isn't 'the pretty one'.

Always praise effort, not achievement.

Treat them as individuals and encourage their interests. Consider sending them to different schools particularly at secondary level.

They are bound to be different becuase they are individuals.

No need to compare them, you just support each child in different ways to meet the needs

Why, Matilda? To avoid comparisons?

As I say to the children everyone is good at something, it just takes some people longer to work out what they are good at and what they enjoy.

Part of the role of a parent is to facilitate and nurture our children interests. So you simply do this with both of them, whether it is maths, gymnastics or playing guitar or baking cakes, running triathlons or gardening.

Having come from this situation... Remind both yourself and her that just because he's smarter, doesn't mean she's stupid. Kids have a tendency to think in simplistic terms. He's the smart one, so I must be the stupid one. It took me a painfully long time to realise that actually, I was smart too.

Try not to draw negative comparisons. It will only cause massive resentment between them as they become older.
Just encourage them on what they are good at, so dd may be more sporty. You may find your ds doesn't 'reach his potential' so make sure he doesn't pin all his hopes on being 'the smartest' etc.

Don't compare them. There are 3 of us in our family. My brothers the eldest and very, very mathematically gifted, then my sister who was never academically gifted and then me and I am also similarly intelligent as my brother but in a different way. My sister has a HUGE chip on her shoulder about this despite the fact she has done spectacularly well in sports and has competed for our country numerous times. We were all always compared by parents (not nastily) and also by teachers.

My kids are still both young but as it stands ds and dd are different in pretty much every way possible - looks, temperament, skills, talents, resilience, everything. I try not to compare even in my head.

Not a problem - can't really see what you are wanting to know. They all just need love - end of.

Two of mine went through the same school and I got sick to death of every teacher saying to me at parents' evening "She's not as bright as her sister was in this class." I used to say "Is this relevant?"

I have two sibling GSs one of whom is superbright and the other average. No-one worries about it or makes an issue of it.

If I were you I would just forget about it!

It's all v well to say don't make an issue of it, but it's hard when dd1 notices that dd2 can do things she can't e.g. maths problems. I'm not sure how to deal with this without making dd1 feel utterly demoralised at school. So far she's coping but I hope it doesn't become more obvious.

I think it's hard op. I have dd who are 3 and 5. The 3yo is already catching up and understands things quicker. Lots of comments about her brightness whereas dd1 is struggling at school.
It may become more obvious in later years. I just encourage both and try to give equal praise.

My brother struggled at school whereas I did well. He was very good at art, but I was too. Looking back, my parents encouraged different interests and did not compare us.

Wewentout - I agree, the dc notice so they know you do too. Mine are 3 and 5 and already compare with each other. Hopefully they will develop in different ways.

I was 'the stupid one' .... I have a masters degree and am v intelligent it's just that my sister is an all rounder and now a doctor. Don't compare - she could get to HS and suddenly shine at something

Also if she ever says a teacher has said something about her sister remind her it's just because they knew her first ... being known as simone's little sister was fuckinn horrible

And in addition to the good advice already given, kids develop their skills at different ages.

You could always take them for an IQ tests. They have a break down of the scores and show the different strengths, might be interesting to see what the scores show?

How old are they? And, honestly, how much more effort did you put in during those early years with ds compared with the same for dd? Second children often will 'develop' later due to the markedly less time devoted to their early development.

God, don't take them for iq tests! To what end? As has been repeatedly shown, Iq tests don't tell you anything anyway.

Why would you want to compare and label your children anyway.

There are different types of intelligence. Some kids are book smart, some are emotionally smart, some are street smart. They all give different skills and strengths. You could argue physical ability is a sort of intelligence, dexterity comes from the brain. Unfortunately, since only book smart is tested and quantified in schools, the others are overlooked. But they exist, and your emotionally smart child may feel they aren't as bright as your book smart child, but they are just different.

OP, it saddens me that people ask me all the time if I'm proud of my dd.
She is what some term as exceptionally gifted, it's a label that she doesn't like as it comes with lots of pressure.
I'm sure she's going to do wonderful things and be very successful in her chosen path.

We have two other grown up children who are average joe's, both have qualities I'm proud of and they are both successful in their own way, maybe not brilliant careers but plodding along nicely.

I am proud of them all and they are individuals who have all had different needs.
Don't compare them, seriously embrace their differences.

It will be normal for them. It's only demoralising when anyone else makes them think it is.

I'm 13 months younger than my brother and learned to read before he did. It was always normal for us growing up that I'd help him, not the other way round.

Oh, we always went to different schools, which I do think was a good thing since we ended up in the same year. No chance of comparisons that way, and lots of opportunity to each do our own thing and be our own person.

My very bright one got much poorer A levels than my average one, mainly because my bright one was a lazy arse and my average one was a grafter.