Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think my children may have very different intelligence levels

72 replies

lavenderbasket · 21/06/2017 22:13

It's early days yet but my son has always been on the G & T register at school, always been quick to pick up new concepts, very clever at maths.

DD, in comparison, is more ... average.

It's early days but comparing her to DS at the same age I do notice big differences. She's a perfectly 'normal' child developmentally. And she's lovely and pretty and bright so that's all fine.

But it has got me wondering - how do you deal with it when your children are so very different?

OP posts:

Vanillaisboring666 · 22/06/2017 00:13

I pick up you are a bit disappointed? My dd is exceptionally academic and a* all her exams . My ds is average but I'm so so so proud of all his grades as he tries his hardest. Dd is gifted academically but ds is gifted manually as he drives jcbs tractors excavators etc better than many 50 year old men. He excels manually whereas dd excels academically

Imbroglio · 22/06/2017 00:14

Try to think of it as as:

Am I being an equally good parent to each child? Am I giving each child what they need?

Fact is, we don't know what lies ahead. One might find maths easier now, another might find it easier later on. One might turn out to be more generous, or have a better instinct for a good deal, or be better at teamwork, or be more passionate about their subject.

MrsLupo · 22/06/2017 00:15

It's early days but comparing her to DS at the same age I do notice big differences. She's a perfectly 'normal' child developmentally. And she's lovely and pretty and bright so that's all fine.

Here, OP. My first, my very first,

Atenco · 22/06/2017 00:16

Mmm, of the three of us, my sister and I were supposed to be much brighter than my brother. My sister went on to get a good career all right, but it is my brother who is the intellectual.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 22/06/2017 00:17

Lavender I honestly hope you're taking note of what PPs are saying here, because I think what they're telling you is absolute gold.

I honestly think of every thread I've ever read on this site (the funny/the weird/the moving/the trolls, etc etc etc) I've never seen so much brilliant advice in 26 posts.

PLEASE hear them. So, you think your DS is G+T (and the school is backing it up) and your DD is ... average.

So please do as PPs are suggesting... Look for opportunities to casually drop in how clever your DD is, so that they BOTH regularly hear it. And take it on board. And be aware of your DS peaking to early, or coasting, or how he'll feel not achieving his potential (whatever he believes that to be) if he doesn't work as hard as he needs to.

IMHO, In just 26 posts (which is when I started typing), MN has given you pointers to raising well-adjusted, happy and successful children. I hope you take this thread to heart and do your kids proud!

I think this is MN at it's absolute tip-top best!

phoolani · 22/06/2017 00:20

I was always the academically gifted one; my (older) brother really not. But he was fantastic with things like stripping down a car engine and putting it back together. He is now a very happy engineer, but being cast as the 'thick' one still stings him. Do not compare.

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 22/06/2017 00:20

DS is G&T, top set in a super selective, DD is pretty average. The main thing is to remember that your eldest is exceptional, I worried about DD quite a lot because i was comparing and i didn't actually need to worry, DD is just slightly above where she should be for her age.

I'm one of 8 kids, ranging from extremely gifted to barely literate, the big mistake my mum made was playing down the smarter ones achievements and praising the others for every tiny thing, even with non-academic achievements, so for example I won a load of awards for charity work, they were treated as as much of an achievement as my brothers scout badges, smartest brother got 11 A*'s for GCSE and was told to stop boasting. It bugged those of us that were smarter but also made the others feel mum didn't think they could do any better. We were actually all genuinely pleased for each others achievements, because we've all got very different interests and skills so it never needed to be a competition and mum just created an issue where there didn't need to be one.

RubyRoseRing · 22/06/2017 00:20

Part of the parenting shtick is to model the acceptance of difference. Everyone is different in some way, that doesn't make someone 'less' in some way. Or someone else 'better'. My 4 are all quite different, yet they enjoy time together as young adults, and really are good mates. My dc are very varied especially as 2 of them have additional support needs. Work wise and study wise, they have all got involved in very different fields. Some of that is due to what's available or not to the less cognitively able child, but it's also to with the things they are interested in.

I'm trying to think how we got to where we are now. I was certainly very unaccepting of any bullying or taunting as they grew up. Any child who needed extra help was given it, where possible. While I didn't want the NT ones to feel burdened by caring, I did encourage the siblings to support each other. I think that's resulted in them seeing each other as an individual. < yeah, I know my grammar's gone to pot ...> But, at the end of the day, each child/young person brings something unique and precious to our family.

Willow2017 · 22/06/2017 00:44

Can't help but notice you never me times what your son looks like. Is he handsome, good looking? Or is his genius enough to get him through life? Wheras your daughter isn't as clever but its ok cos 'she is pretty'.

Please stop comparing them and stop makingbit a male/female comparison. Your daughter may well shine in something later on just treat them both the same or you will cause no end of problems between them.

Willow2017 · 22/06/2017 00:44

Mentioned not me times!

GaynorGoodwin · 22/06/2017 00:45

You don't have to deal with it. Your children are your children, why would you ever want to compare them?

Migraleve · 22/06/2017 00:48

I'm trying to work out what you have to 'deal with'

notangelinajolie · 22/06/2017 01:20

Never ever compare them. Praise their achievements. It isn't easy getting your head round the fact that 2 children from identical gene pools can be so academically different. One DC never getting less than an A* for anything yet the other is permanently stuck on E. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that apart from giving love, encouragement and praise to both in equal measure. They will blossom at different times and in different ways - fast forward 20 years and you will see.

OlennasWimple · 22/06/2017 01:29

All very well for the OP not to compare them, but others will (including teachers) and she needs good strategies for dealing with this

Pengggwn · 22/06/2017 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollyCule · 22/06/2017 06:43

My sister was the clever one in our family at primary school. I was not very good at school (well, average) until I was about 14 when things just started clicking for me. Think it was a confidence/ maturity thing for me. She's a doctor, I have a masters degree in a science subject. Don't write off dd yet!

Okite · 22/06/2017 06:47

Even without us as parents comparing them, my children compare themselves against each other. My DS is a bright, intelligent boy who thinks he isn't because he compares himself against his sister who is exceptionally bright.
It is incredibly frustrating because he 'gives up' at school and doesn't work hard because he sees her achieving things that he won't. We have such a hard time getting him to realise that he's really good at things!

Theworldisfullofidiots · 22/06/2017 06:51

My eldest dd was the 'clever' one, phenomenal memory and g&t and all that. Ds was just the younger summer bday boy.
We never compared and praised both, dd became his biggest advocate. He is now doing really well and works v hard. (it was a maturity thing).
You may not mean it but you talk about your dd as if she is 'just'. Comparison is divisive.

Nikephorus · 22/06/2017 07:05

I was 'the stupid one' .... I have a masters degree and am v intelligent it's just that my sister is an all rounder and now a doctor. Don't compare - she could get to HS and suddenly shine at something
This is like me. I'm not good at exams - that's not how my brain works. But take the pressure of exams out and I'm just as intelligent as my sister ever was, only she was great at exams and so she got to be seen as the clever one at school (same school, she was first so I was always compared) and at home. It took me years to work it out because no-one ever bothered to say anything (and I'm not even sure they've worked it out despite my degrees)

MirabelleTree · 22/06/2017 07:09

My DD compares herself to her younger brother who is academically very able but now she is 18 she is finding her path and is very creative so she is more confident about her own abilities.

It's been difficult for her as DH and I are pretty academic and she found it hard to get the GCSE's she needed and it was a bit touch and go for sixth form. I know she has felt the odd one out plenty of times. Rather than let it be the elephant in the room I have addressed it and said I can see it must suck sometimes but that as someone who was asked to give up Art I am in awe of what she creates. I've encouraged her to enter her work into film festivals and to magazines and she has had some success with that which has really helped. Also she has an aptitude for an Asian language so we arranged for her to be able to study that.

She says she used to be jealous of DS but no longer is, as we have a fairly big age group they have gone to different schools most of the time and I think that has been good for them.

MaidenMotherCrone · 22/06/2017 07:20

Comparison is the thief of joy!

I have 3 adult DC. They are all gifted and talented. In different ways. You seem to have written your daughter off already.

Saiman · 22/06/2017 07:38

Dbro was g&t. I was just above average at school. The difference was always noted as 'oh he is just programmed that way'. I knew there was a difference. My family were results orientated. So no matter how much effort i put in, it didnt matter if the result wasnt right.

Dbro was brought up to know life was going to be great for him. Everything would be so easy. He went to uni and i didnt.

Now however i am the more successful one. Outside education dbro has struggled. He really struggles in the real world. If something isnt easy he just doesn't do it. The pressure, of being 'the intelligent one' has made it harder for him when he fails. The expectations of being g&t weigh heavily on him.

While we get on he does have a problem with my success. He just doesnt get how i can be better at my career. Its simple i am used to having to put loads of effort in. With my experience, that means i get the results my employers want. I am also better with people skills than him.

My dd is very intelligent and mum wanted to get hee tutors etc. I didnt. Ds didnt shoe the same signs as being so intelligent. However they both do well at school and i wouldnt say one is doing better than the other.

Neither have huge expectations on them. I have always praised effort. Not results.

Blossomdeary · 22/06/2017 09:24

Definitely not IQ tests - they test your ability to do IQ tests and nothing of any real use. If you do that you will be focusing on the issue/non-problem.

The DD of mine who was the slow one has an MA - neither of the others have.

Children develop at different rates - the one who seems average now is likely to race ahead later on.

It is about parental attitude - we tried to encourage whatever talents each child had and to foster an acceptance of each others talents.

Fertleby · 22/06/2017 09:35

I think the issue is more what the children see. Lots of adults here telling how they were either the 'thick' or the 'gifted' one in their own families and how it affected them. I have three kids, 4 years apart, all at same school. My two eldest compare school reports every time. Eldest child has just got a scholarship, A* all the way, middle child very saddened, I'm never going to get that etc. Personally as a mum I believe MC is naturally a lot brighter but EC is a big grafter and obviously not un intelligent. I try very hard to reward each child for its own achievements (sport, art and music too) but do worry MC is voluntarily comparing themselves unfavourably to EC. I got out school reports from the same age to show MC and compared, seconds was way better than firsts. I felt bad doing it, wasn't sure if it was the right choice but I did it to give MC the opportunity to see how they can't compete on a level with a child 4 years older than them but how they do have the potential. Youngest Child, is still to be determined but hopefully won't feel to many comparison pressures. However comparisons will always happen between siblings even if the parent doesn't do it, others will, I think you just have to ensure no child feels it's parent is dissatisfied with them whatever they do or don't do.

deadringer · 22/06/2017 09:45

Of course your dc are different, all children are. Ime however the so called average kids do better in the long run.

Flip

1 2 3