To think my children may have very different intelligence levels

[lavenderbasket]

It's early days yet but my son has always been on the G & T register at school, always been quick to pick up new concepts, very clever at maths.

DD, in comparison, is more ... average.

It's early days but comparing her to DS at the same age I do notice big differences. She's a perfectly 'normal' child developmentally. And she's lovely and pretty and bright so that's all fine.

But it has got me wondering - how do you deal with it when your children are so very different?

Well as long as she's pretty

Op don't compare your children negatively. Celebrate what each is good at.

The biggest mistake you are making here is thinking that academic = intelligent.

It doesn't.

Your son is good at academic learning. That's brilliant, but it doesn't put him at a 'higher level' overall. It's one type of intelligence, and unless it's coupled with eg ability to communicate and emotional intelligence, it's not necessarily going to help him succeed in his life/career in the future. I know a lot of people with qualifications coming out of their ears who have never found the career or lifestyle where they 'fit'...

So being academically bright is great but it's neither the only or the best type of intelligence. Where someone really lucks out is when their abilities fit their desires and dreams. Hopefully your son will fit his skillsets and your daughter will too.

I'm the less academically intelligent of the two siblings - but I've always found it easier to get on with people (and I flourished qualification-wise when I found something I was passionate about). I think it helped that my brother and I are so different anyway that direct comparasion was a bit daft. Our versions of success were always going to be different - the year I got promoted, he went back to Uni and the year he got his PhD, I had a baby & went part-time. My parents were proud of all those things - and most importantly, so were we.

Also my parents were always big believers in rewarding effort not necessarily results. So that's how I'd 'deal with it'. I did have some jealousy as a teen but then he always told me I got it easier than him too - I think that's just siblings.

How old are they?

G&T doesn't really mean much at that age. I only started getting A stars and As in Year 9. Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in.

There is no virtue in being g& t it's just the way it is. People all have different strengths and weaknesses and physical characteristics ; positive and negative.
Hard work, going the extra mile etc are worth praising in both your children..., being thoughtful. , creativity etc should all have equal merit.
I don't think that this is a difficult area at all or certainly shouldn't be

I have similar issues coming up - DC1 is 7 and was flagged as G&T in reception, I hadn't quite understood his ability to learn things wasn't 'normal'. He's in a class of bright children and so doesn't stand out that much, and may well have 'peaked' early, others may well catch up/over take him in the next few years.

DC2 is just about to start school in September and is no where near when DC1 was at that stage - it's hard to remember she's not 'behind' - she's where she should be.

Going on I can see there being issues with DC2 finding things hard that DC1 found easy (DH made a comment last night that we will have to teach DC2 to read, rather than just leaving her with some books and then her figuring it out by end of reception - he said this after both were in bed so we're careful not to let the DCs hear us) - but we see this as our challenge to manage.

We have the added challenge of living in an area with the 11+ DC1 was looking at some test papers last week (the little girl next door is doing 11+ in September and showed them to him) he found it easy now, so we're assuming he'll probably pass without any tutoring etc, but then it's going to be harder to 'hide' the difference in attainment between them if DC2 doesn't (and unless she really blossoms accademically when she starts school, it's unlikely she'll be in the top 25%).

Knowing the neighbours are going through it has made us think about what we'll do in that situation, and we've decided if DC1 does pass the 11+ as expected, there are single sex grammar options around here, we'll pick one of those so that DC2 couldn't go to the same school anyway, and avoid the "why aren't you going to the same school as your big brother?" questions when she's at that stage.

Put against that, DC2 is more phsyical than DC1, she walked earlier, ran earlier, she could use a scooter before turning 2 (DC1 took until 3.5 to get that), she could ride a bike without stablisers before 4, she's good at football, throwing and catching, etc and her pen control is amazing - she's drawing much better than DC1 was at pre-school age. She may well just have different abilities.

Please do not compare your children to each other. I guarantee 100% it will cause resentment.
Being intelligent isnt just about the academic side. Some people are socially intelligent.

I understand what you mean OP. Ds1 is 8 & has always been very bright from a young age. He won an award at Infant School for basically being the best academic pupil, teachers say every Parents' Evening that he is amazing & they want a class full of DS1s He is also sporty & gets selected for every team going & always gets parts in plays (at Infants was usually main role). I admire him more than I can say.

Ds2, on the other hand, struggles with everything. He has suspected ASC & motor skills delays & has only just (at the end of Year 1) learned to do things Ds1 could do on entering school. But he is very popular, is so loving & kind & good & has a quirky sense of humour. He can make everybody laugh & loves performing. In a way, I admire him more because he has had more to overcome than Ds1 & he never gives up or gets fed up.

Ds3 is only 3 so it remains to be seen how he will be. He is, I'm pretty sure, NT, so will not face the same struggles as DS2. I'm sure he will carve out his niche somewhere.

I am always careful to praise each boy for what they do well & never compare. They are their own people & not just theconfusedbrothers & it is part of my job to help them retain that individuality. As the youngest of three sisters who all went to the same schools etc I know how difficult & important that can be.

Mine are vastly different in academic performance. They are also vastly different socially.
I just play to each of their strengths (I hope).
I can't say I've ever given it much thought as an issue.

OP, lots of points for you to consider:

There are so many types of intelligence. Performing well at school is just one tiny strand. It's just a shame our society recognizes that in children to the exclusion of everything else.

Gifts and talents mature at different rates. The standout at primary school is very often not the standout at university. I've seen this play out my whole life.

There's substantial evidence to say that the kids who perform best at school are not the ones who succeed best in the workplace. It's a very different skillset.

Doing well academically/professionally/financially is over rated generally. Better to be happy. High achieving types often aren't.

Labeling children is something to avoid. It's not good for anyone. I've been 'the high achiever' my whole life. It's wrecked havoc with my self esteem as I can't deal with failure. It's made me very unhappy at times.

Of all of my circle of friends, the one who's most 'successful' in the eyes of the world (i.e. has been recognized with a reward that's universally known) didn't walk til he was 3, didn't talk til he was 5 and was generally written off by everyone by the time he reached his teens. He found his 'thing' aged 15. He's passionate about it and brilliant at it. He's never looked back.

But the friend I'm most envious of completely flunked her A levels, was devastated at the time because she didn't get into the course she wanted. Then found a very different career path that's not particularly prestigious, averagely paid, but that she loves with every part of her. She's more fulfilled than anyone I know.

Love your children as individuals. Help them strive for their happiness above all else. Book intelligence is of minimal importance in the overall scheme of things.

But she's pretty so that's all fine

Not sure how I feel about this statement.

She'll have her own strengths, look for them and encourage them - and make sure she knows her good points aren't just in the mirror.

I think it's a tricky one. I have two boys with two years between them. The younger one is exceptionally good at sport and the older is, unfortunately, exceptionally bad. It's been hard for him and it was hard watching him realise that his younger brother could beat him at everything and was wanted in every team. I remember the little one coming home in the primary school football team strip one day and him saying how much he had wanted to wear it :-( that made me really sad. Sports day is the best day ever for one and the worst for the other...
Now it looks like the boot is on the other foot. Our eldest is very academic and sailed into grammar school. We suspected the younger one wasn't maybe quite as good at maths, but now we've started to do a bit of grammar school test practice we can see that they do not come anywhere near as natural to him as they did to his brother and we may have a problem. As yet he doesn't seem to realise this...
I don't know what my advice is. Yes, don't compare them, but they're not daft are they? Just celebrate their successes and encourage them to work harder on things that don't come easy. Always praise the effort...

Please don't compare. I still have issues over being compared to siblings as child and feeling thick. Children have different talents. Schools tend to regard maths and English as more important ignoring the creative. Every child has talent. Being put in to g and t class doesn't give any indication of future. Some of the brightest people I know have absolutely no common sence (obviously some people are all rounders and I am very jealous) as they didn't have that type of intelligence where as others I know who didn't do so well at school are it really good careers as they have social intelligence. Celebrate what each are good at. As a teacher I also made sure to share with parents where their child shined. Working hard and doing your best is far more important. I would add who is top of class can change dramatically. Children will have spurts of picking stuff up and then at times they coast. The child at bottom of class at start of year can be at top by end of it.

What would you do OP if she was average intelligence and average appearance?

Enourage both to find their "spark", everyone has talents, find out what they are and nurture them.

I have one very academic DS (G&T), he has very good memory and is strong analytically.

Then I have another DS who had SEN and was on three different IEPs throughout primary. Around 12 he was suddenly "average", and at 15 he is suddenly top set for maths and science. Bit of a surprise, but it just shows kids' progress is not linear.

Your DS may be gifted in something she has not tried yet (coding, tech, dance, drama, music, fencing... anything)

My DS with SEN turned out to be very techie and good at archery (random?!), and being good at something then gave him confidence in other areas too.

So really, for both, just find what they love and encourage them in that area!

FWIW, being "academic" is overrated

Surely this is a troll?

OP, academic learning is just one aspect of life, that doesn't necessarily mean anything much in adulthood.

Are both your children kind and thoughtful of others? Have you nurtured a curiosity about the world in them, and an ability to find things out and try things themselves? Have you given them both confidence in their sense of self? Can they laugh at themselves and show humility? Have you taught them that people are different but different qualities can be equally valuable in society and in personal relationships? Do they know that looks and clothes don't always tell you much about the person bearing them? Are you teaching them to be self sufficient? Have they been given the skills to question what they read and learn and to make their own minds up?

Ah yes, bookworm, creativity is not rated as highly as being good at maths and English.

When truly creative thinking is what drives innovation, discovery, tech and art!

My DD is good at art, can play the piano is comically daft, makes everyone laugh with the stupidity of her comments.

DD2 very bright doing well going to uni.

DS off the scale bright, aspie.

All different, never been a problem.

It's also important to remember that whilst they might be G&T in a particular school year out of 30 children it can change year by year.
Children move up and they move down again.
I think the truly gifted ie. above those in a specialist subject school can need managing, but there again it's an individual thing.

We have found it as much a curse as a blessing, tbh.
It will be a miracle if dd manages to gain a GCSE in the core subjects at school. Just because you are exceptionally off the scale gifted/talented in a particular way, doesn't mean you won't struggle in other areas.

Mine are the same.

Daughter (yr 3) identified as G&T at the start of Reception. Won full scholarship to private school. Clever, sporty, musical. Annoyingly good at EVERYTHING

Son (Reception): very much the slow end of average. Can barely read. Average at maths. Under assessment for autism. But he's the most amazing child in other ways - he's so bloody lovable, he's fascinating to chat to, he's a million times easier to manage than his super-bright sister, he has loads of friends who don't seem to give a damn about his ASD quirks.

I'm proud of them both for different things and I'm VERy happy that I didn;t get another super-bright, high-maintenance child for my #2.

4DC. One nigh on a genius the other three average.

Ironically two different dads and genius's dad is not at all blessed in the intelligence department. Sex department he's the king of the world. Brains....not so much