BF not speaking to me because I don't want to do a road trip in America

[MissionItsPossible]

Sorry if this turns out to be long I will try to keep it as short as possible.

Okay my boyfriend (we are gay) mentioned yesterday that he wants us to go to America in the form of a road trip as our next holiday going through states. I pulled a face and he asked why not and then I basically said I wouldn't want to go because of the number of stories about the police shooting black men (I am mixed race black/white, BF is white). He said I was being stupid and ridiculous and we wouldn't have to worry about that because we are tourists (don't see how that makes any difference tbh?)

He pointed out that I have been to America before but I said that that was when I was a child on a family holiday to Disneyland at Florida, so I couldn't exactly refuse to go, and also because I was a child, I wasn't aware of things like that at that age so it wasn't the same thing. He then said I had said in the past I would love to go on a road trip (which is true, I had actually said it a couple of times in the past but my stance has changed in the last year or two seeing so many stories after stories regarding the issue). And I said yes, he was right that I did but now I've changed my mind and don't want to do one.

He was getting frustrated by this point and pointed out we have been to loads of countries where they have armed police but I argued back that those countries may have armed police but you don't hear story after story of how they shot and killed someone. Tbh although race plays a big part of why I don't want to go, I am scared of their police mentality (or what I perceive it to be) of shoot first and ask questions later applied to anyone.

He called me a stupid selfish little cunt and I shouted at him to get out my house, which he did, and we haven't spoken since.

I am prepared to be told IABU. Millions of people visit and live there every day of all races and don't get shot and manage to live their day to day lives, but I just have this sort of feeling that something would. I don't know if it's the driving thing - maybe because a lot of these cases seem to happen in cars. I can imagine driving and getting stopped and pulled over constantly if it's two guys in a car, one who is non-white. Maybe I am being stupid I don't know, but I've just got a gut feeling.

AIBU? Should I just go as I might end up enjoying it and it would be a great experience?

Talking of SF I met the only outspoken Trump supporter in the whole Bay Area recently, he was our Lyft driver going on and on about the Manchester bombing (and I was with a brown friend) - you have to get those people out, thank god we finally have a president who'll get them out of the country etc etc then made eye contact via rear view mirror with my friend and said 'I don't mean you obviously' 😀

I use the word too but would never use it against a partner or a friend during an argument whereas he does when he gets angry. No, he didn't apologise he just tends to cool off and then get back in touch when he's calmed down. I don't feel in danger or scared of him though at all. He is a great guy, just gets stressed easily and it turns into him getting annoyed or angry. BUT I am just listing his bad qualities here and posting about a little thing that happened, if I posted about all the good and nice stuff there'd be loads of posts with SW(stay with)TB!

Just because he has some good qualities, it doesn't mean he's not being abusive. He called you names when he was angry, that's not the action of a great person. And if he can control his anger and not call his boss/co=workers names, then he is choosing to do this at you. Therefore he doesn't actually respect you. Abuse isn't always about hitting, there are other forms of abuse, and your BF doesn't sound nice to me.

All the white, straight people saying how they'd not see foot in America now- do fuck off and give your heads a good wobble

Did I miss the law that made it compulsory to either vist or want to visit America? Fuck off yourself. Why would I want to go there?

If you already live in one horribly racist country I understand not wanting to fly for eleven hours to another.

I'd be a bit concerned about a road trip - even if you go and visit somewhere like miami you are told AVOID PLACE X as its dangerous, and you can worry you may get a bit lost driving and end up there by accident.

But maybe a compromise is a trip to 3 main places (say LA/san fran and drive down to say San diego). some driving in the wine country but mostly staying in big cities and ubering around? Or amtrack it across america?

Just because he has some good qualities, it doesn't mean he's not being abusive. He called you names when he was angry, that's not the action of a great person. And if he can control his anger and not call his boss/co=workers names, then he is choosing to do this at you. Therefore he doesn't actually respect you. Abuse isn't always about hitting, there are other forms of abuse, and your BF doesn't sound nice to me.

Really trying not to downplay this but I just don't see it. It's just words, they don't bother me.

I suggested Canada instead but he said no and it's not the same and tbh I have always wanted to go on a classic-like American road trip. I'm not clued up on which states are good and which aren't, I thought San Francisco would be alright and maybe LA. I did want to visit Texas too I know that is probably more risky but it's always somewhere i've wanted to visit and I see there are loads of people of different races living there

Austin Texas is pretty cool because but I'd avoid anywhere else to be honest. I'd feel uncomfortable in parts of Texas and I'm a white, straight female.

Loopyloppy thank you loopy, out of interest, what about Houston (is that the capital?)

Austin is the capital!

I'mm sure there are lots of good people in Texas, OP, but I'm white and many years ago got a lift with a Texan truck-driver who, while being very chivalrous to me, was one of the nastiest racists I have ever met. So I don't think it is a state that I would do a road trip through as a non-white, though probably fine for visiting the cities.

He called me a stupid selfish little cunt
This ^ is the problem, not armed police in other countries. Well done for throwing him out of your house.