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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF not speaking to me because I don't want to do a road trip in America

86 replies

MissionItsPossible · 21/06/2017 18:39

Sorry if this turns out to be long I will try to keep it as short as possible.

Okay my boyfriend (we are gay) mentioned yesterday that he wants us to go to America in the form of a road trip as our next holiday going through states. I pulled a face and he asked why not and then I basically said I wouldn't want to go because of the number of stories about the police shooting black men (I am mixed race black/white, BF is white). He said I was being stupid and ridiculous and we wouldn't have to worry about that because we are tourists (don't see how that makes any difference tbh?)

He pointed out that I have been to America before but I said that that was when I was a child on a family holiday to Disneyland at Florida, so I couldn't exactly refuse to go, and also because I was a child, I wasn't aware of things like that at that age so it wasn't the same thing. He then said I had said in the past I would love to go on a road trip (which is true, I had actually said it a couple of times in the past but my stance has changed in the last year or two seeing so many stories after stories regarding the issue). And I said yes, he was right that I did but now I've changed my mind and don't want to do one.

He was getting frustrated by this point and pointed out we have been to loads of countries where they have armed police but I argued back that those countries may have armed police but you don't hear story after story of how they shot and killed someone. Tbh although race plays a big part of why I don't want to go, I am scared of their police mentality (or what I perceive it to be) of shoot first and ask questions later applied to anyone.

He called me a stupid selfish little cunt and I shouted at him to get out my house, which he did, and we haven't spoken since.

I am prepared to be told IABU. Millions of people visit and live there every day of all races and don't get shot and manage to live their day to day lives, but I just have this sort of feeling that something would. I don't know if it's the driving thing - maybe because a lot of these cases seem to happen in cars. I can imagine driving and getting stopped and pulled over constantly if it's two guys in a car, one who is non-white. Maybe I am being stupid I don't know, but I've just got a gut feeling.

AIBU? Should I just go as I might end up enjoying it and it would be a great experience?

OP posts:
Atenco · 21/06/2017 19:48

As a gay, mixed race man there are definitely areas I'd avoid

The things is, OP doesn't have your knowledge of what areas to avoid.

I don't really blame you, OP. Last time I had to just change planes in the USA I was freaked by the idea, though had no actual problems, to be fair.

And you see videos of black people teaching their children how to react when the police stop them so as not to end up dead. Though of course everywhere looks worse from the outside.

smeerf · 21/06/2017 19:50

My bf's from a Muslim family, although he's not religious personally. His middle name is obviously Muslim and he's not white. He won't visit the states at the moment point blank and I wouldn't ask him to.

I think this is all a side issue though, we wouldn't speak to each other like you've described, even in anger. That's the more concerning bit for me. Is this normal in your relationship and how do you feel about it?

Original poster
MissionItsPossible · 21/06/2017 19:53

Thanks for the replies guys, I'm glad that I don't seem to be alone in the way I think about this although to those who posted and said I should go , I do understand your view too and agree somewhat.

It's not a toxic relationship whatsoever I don't think. I really mean it when I feel words are just words I throw that word around all the time (not towards BF) so when he calls me it, It's just more of a rolling of the eyes, although in this situation because he was so angry and shouted it at me which is why I reacted the way I did and told him to leave.

OP posts:
Sushi123 · 21/06/2017 19:54

Just putting this out here - could it be that he has a criminal record and is afraid of being turned away at customs but is trying to put this on to you to avoid revealing this?

Sushi123 · 21/06/2017 19:55

Just realized I read this wrong - oops

GinSwigmore · 21/06/2017 19:59

Depends where. I'd love to do a road trip across New England and iirc Massachusetts/Vermont/Connecticut are perceived to be three of the most gay friendly states if that makes a difference. Bottom line though: if you don't want to go then he shouldn't be coercing/sulking/accusing you of being selfish. Where would your ideal destination be?

SallyGinnamon · 21/06/2017 20:00

Having lived in North Carolina for a while I see your point. Some places are still fighting the Civil War. But not all.

As PPs have said, it's a stunning country. You'd be fine in lots of places. Just not the Deep South!

Foniks · 21/06/2017 20:02

I hear you, I'm also half black and there are some places in America (and other countries) that I would be worried about visiting, not just because of police, but also normal civilians. He should understand that. Realistically anybody can travel where they want, but also realistically there are some places that aren't so safe for black people.
Even if it wasn't for racism, you're allowed to not want to go. Nobody is selfish just because they don't want to do something. He's being selfish really, not you.

Him calling you a selfish cunt is out of order too. You did the right thing making him leave. He really needs to apologise for that. Has he said things like that to you before?

chumpchange · 21/06/2017 20:03

All the white, straight people saying how they'd not see foot in America now- do fuck off and give your heads a good wobble.

Tell Mem Fox that Hmm

ffauxlivia · 21/06/2017 20:09

I'm currently living in Minneapolis where the Philando Castile verdict has just come through, and the videos I've watched of the cop shooting over NOTHING and the aftermath are absolutely heartbreaking. The little girl in the back later told her mum to stop screaming because she didn't want her to get shot too. (Maybe show them to your BF). As a white person I will never know what it's like to live in that fear just because of my skin colour. It absolutely happened because he is black. So I'm not going to tell you YABU when I don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes.

What I will say is that if you do end up going, there are many beautiful road trips you can take, and it's a fabulous country even under Trump (definitely stay out of the red states, but the large cities are overwhelmingly liberal with fantastic, welcoming people) I think a car containing a mixed-race person and a white person won't be high on the radar of the trigger happy cops, especially if they hear a British accent immediately. Also you will probably be doing most of your driving on the interstate highways (rather than poor inner city areas) where it is very unlikely you will be stopped. However as I said, I don't know what it's like to live in your shoes and your BF needs to respect that too. I hope you can work things out!

Guepe · 21/06/2017 20:12

Another straight, white person who won't currently go to America checking in Grin

I think their current government is a disgrace and have no interest in supporting their economy if it can be avoided.

flyingspaghettimonster · 21/06/2017 20:14

The way he spoke to you was completely unacceptable. And your fears are not irrational. I live in Philadelphia, and I worry for my Muslim and African American friends all the time.

But there are many safer parts of America and many good cops. I'm a Brit living out here for 11 years and it doesn't feel dangerous even now when I am living in a big city with a high crime rate. Even the high murser rate here is mostly gang related or criminal on criminal. It's really unlikely Anything would happen.

But I totally get the fear. I am scared for my kids every day in case of school shootings. I feel nervous at the cinema for the same reason.

n0ne · 21/06/2017 20:17

YANBU. I'm mixed black/white too and American cops scare the shit out of me. Not just that - it's the knowing that a sizeable section of that society would look down on me or treat me differently. No thanks.

What your OH said was really awful, btw.

BandeauSally · 21/06/2017 20:20

All the white, straight people saying how they'd not see foot in America now- do fuck off and give your heads a good wobble.

Why?

memyselfandisolodjsjajaj · 21/06/2017 20:20

A selfish little cunt because you are uncomfortable (for decent reasons, I believe), about his trip idea? You gotta be kidding me. Run for the hills.

crazykitten20 · 21/06/2017 20:21

I'm just not sure if I'm being stupid and irrational about it and that I could be missing out on an amazing experience.

You could be missing out and you could be being irrational by someone else's perception. You can only ever ever ever do what your gut tells you. Trust yourself. Then you won't know if you miss out on an amazing experience 😊 😉👍Gotta do what's right for you.

If any man called me the 'c' word I'd chop his cock off. Just my take on it 😊😉

NotYoda · 21/06/2017 20:21

Regardless of this was about. Whether you were in the wrong or he was, he should never speak to you like that

I do not see the point of discussing any of the rest of your post because that's all it boils down to, to me.

Loopyloppy · 21/06/2017 20:42

No interest in supporting their economy?!

The majority of America voted for Hillary.

I only know of one Trump supporter locally. All of my friends are wonderful tolerant people.

As I said, many people feel the same about the UK right now.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/06/2017 20:45

Get him to read Belived by Tony Morrison or any other acclaimed book about slavery

400 years of blood soaked soil in the US

I don't blame you and why the fuck should you go on a holiday you don't like . Even if it was to Thailand you don't have to do what you don't want

Is he normally this much of a cunt OP ?

ohfourfoxache · 21/06/2017 20:49

Mission I know you don't believe your relationship is abusive. But please believe us that it is. There are so many people who post on here that are in a similar position and don't see the abuse that they are putting up with.

Please please, for the love of god, get rid of this prick. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You don't deserve to live like this

Whocansay · 21/06/2017 20:49

Having had different trips to several different parts of the US, I think you are missing out. All Americans are not like Donald Trump. However, I do appreciate your concerns and respect them. Your boyfriend should too. Tbh, you don't even need a reason - if you don't want to go because it doesn't appeal, you don't want to go. That's fine.

His response was disgusting. No adult should ever have a tantrum. And you shouldn't normalise the aggressive language he used to you either. Loving couples don't speak to each other like that, even in anger. I'd ditch him and have a road trip down Route 1 with someone better!

newyorker74 · 21/06/2017 21:12

I understand not wanting to visit a place that is across the board dangerous but the US doesn't fall into that category. Are there major issues with gun crime - both including and not including the police? Yes but its by no means everywhere and constant.

As for not coming bc of Trump - people need to remember that a sizable number of Americans didn't vote for him, are actively working to hold back his legislation and have been actively campaigning and demonstrating against him and everything he stands for. Not coming doesn't send a message to anyone other than giving the impression that all Americans think the same.

paddypants13 · 21/06/2017 21:17

I can totally understand where you're coming from. I must admit I didn't realise how bad racism is in the US until I watched a documentary with Reggie Yates. I wouldn't go there if I was black/mixed race.

Guepe · 21/06/2017 21:40

No interest in supporting their economy?!

The majority of America voted for Hillary.

I only know of one Trump supporter locally. All of my friends are wonderful tolerant people.

As I said, many people feel the same about the UK right now.

I appreciate your perspective and two of my best friends are an American couple who were devastated when Trump won and embarrassed at the Paris withdrawal. I know that the majority of Americans are decent people and look forward to visiting some time in the future, when circumstances change.

But I think it's better for the world (and probably the US in the long-run) if your economy fairs poorly under Trump. A failing economy is more likely to bring about change.

And yes, I'm sure there's plenty of people who don't want to support the UK's economy at the moment. If they want to spend their money (or not) in accordance with their political views, that's their business and I take no issue with it. I'd hope that our government is able to build bridges and win back some goodwill over time.

Loopyloppy · 21/06/2017 21:58

Paddy pants- you know how big America is right? Do you understand the difference between a blue and red state? Please educate yourself.

I have many non white friends that live here and have visited from the UK. You sound a little ignorant.

Guepe- I see your point. I want him to fail spectacularly. Obviously not to the detriment of people in need though.