AIBU to want to ask girls' parents to speak to their kids about not trying to kiss boys in their class

[takeiteasybuttakeit]

Little bit long but could really do with some insights/advice. So...my 11 (nearly 12) year old ds is in primary school (not in UK so he will not be finishing primary until he is turning 13) and has been a bit upset lately - he says it is because nobody in school wants to play games any more at break-time, only stand around and chat, which he doesn't enjoy, he just wants to play football or playground games. So he has been spending his free time in school mainly on his own. I've encouraged him to join in the chat but he says he doesn't understand what they're talking about and then yesterday I think I figured it out. BTW he is currently being assessed for mild ASD, partly as he is not great at figuring out social situations.

There was an all-class party last week and he ended up playing with the 8 yo sibling of the birthday girl and their friends instead of his own class. Turns out that the girls and some boys from his class were chatting about who has a crush on who, and that the girls were chasing the boys they fancied and sort of trapping them for kisses. My ds's best friend was one of those trapped and was really upset about it, and reportedly a few of them have a crush on my ds but he just walked away when they told him.. I think my ds is just shutting it out, hence playing with the younger kids and not wanting to join in. We'll talk to him about what has been going on in more detail. I should add my ds and his closest friends are 'young' for their age and don't seem to be ready for this kind of thing. I really feel like having a chat with one of the girls' mums and seeing if she might have a word about being respectful of boundaries and unwanted attention. Am I being unreasonable? And is there a better way of handling this?

Bad my dd says the same, she is not interested in getting a boyfriend despite almost constant talk, pressure, silliness about pairing up. As far as I can see, the boyfriends and girlfriends don't actually spend much time together or go on dates, it's just a social status thing at this age. It's hard to teach them to stand firm and know their own mind.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo yes, I understand. The class teacher is a bit rubbish about tackling things so I thought maybe if the parents had words they might be listened to.

CheeseMcCheeserson that's interesting about your DD. With my DS we thought for a long time it was a matter of maturity but his response to the current scenario where he just doesn't seem able to handle it at all encourages us going ahead with the assessment.

IsItMeOr - thanks so much. With my ds it is sort of like a series of 'glitches' where once we seem to have addressed one thing another rears its head - so he had terrible insomnia but we sorted that out by having him play sports every day, then it was literal-mindedness and we tackled that by intensive discussion and even work-sheets about figurative language, and then social skills but he got a group of close friends and seemed to be fine. I'm not sure what the upshot of any assessment will be, I always did say puberty (his or others) was going to be tricky and so it is proving! Problem is that much younger kids don't always want to play football w him as he's much bigger and unbalances things!

Don't speak to the parents. Speak to the school. I was advised this, many years ago and it still rings true.

I think that because you are aware of it and it is impacting on your ds you can/should go and talk to the school. I wish some of the girls targeted before dd had spoken out as then it might have been sorted out before she was affected (probably not though they mainly victim blamed and wondered how she might be helped to cope better with playground relationships).

A lot of things were 'normal' when l was growing up including kiss chase, the slipper, children (probably with dyslexia in retrospect) being told they were stupid and flashers on the way home from school, doesn't mean we should bring them all back. Your ds might be next and prevention is better than cure.

Speak to the school.

Unwanted attention and humiliation of that nature is wrong whether its a girl or a boy and the school need to be made aware.

shouldwestayorshouldwego thanks - yes seems to be having an impact on ds alright...and in general a revisiting of consent and boundaries sounds like a good idea, dread to think how my ds would respond if cornered and don't want him to be laughed at for being inappropriate or not handling it well.

This happened in dd's class (also not in UK) when they started middle school, a boy she had been at primary with was absolutely bombarded with frankly stalkerish attention that had it been done to a girl, would probably have had the police called. The group of girls were ringing his house day and night and there was a lot of bullying going on within the group of girls if one was placed next to him at school etc.

Definitely speak to the school but be warned they may say "he should be flattered" like dd's teacher said to the boy's mum in her class.

takeiteasy - this is abusive and bullying behaviour. Your son won't be alone in finding it scary and confusing. He deserves to feel safe and secure and the school need to address this. The situation is probably heightened for him by his lack of social skills. But there is no excuse for him to be intimidated like this.

I would speak to the school in general terms and not name names, other than your own child at this point. Say your son feels uncomfortable at the games the other children were playing, and could the teacher have a word with the whole class to let them know the game is unacceptable, especially at school

Badtothebone I had a similar experience to your DD at school. When I was 11, so year 6, I was told off by a teacher for inappropriate behaviour about having a crush on a boy in my class with whom I was friends. Someone's parent, not mine or the boy's, had complained to the teacher that I'd been inappropriate by having a crush on this boy (which I didn't) and that there was too much talk of fancying each other etc. The problem is, neither me nor the boy had been involved in this, it was just other kids stirring up gossip about the fact that we fancied each other because we were friends.

I was mortified, as was the boy, and I also felt really hard done by as I'd been punished for being the victim of idle gossip.

DS has Aspergers and usually avoids these kinds of social situations, but had problems with one girl chasing him, grabbing him, not letting him go and kissing him. He pushed her away when verbal requests were ignored, and playground staff gave him in trouble for pushing.

Best course of action, address school policy with HT/DHT and they can then inform staff what is and is not acceptable, who can then feed this down to the kids at assembly etc. Great opportunity to teach kids about consent.

Thanks everyone, you have been very helpful. They've covered consent in school but it has tended to be more along the lines of telling someone if you're touched inappropriately or someone says something that makes you uncomfortable, more of a stranger danger scenario. It is trickier when it is the girl you're working on a project with and you don't want her to get in trouble or to feel humiliated in front of your peers.

Gr33nT3a yes, that is exactly what I'd be worried about, ds panicking and doing anything to get away.

Badtothebone how infuriating! I hate the way these scenarios can affect boy-girl friendships, and also be difficult for kids who might be LGBT or not ready

I had a quiet word with the Mother of a girl in DS's class about something similar.

I was actually really impressed with how she handled it. She spoke to her DD and I got a message sincerely apologising and explaining that the girl had genuinely thought that it was all in fun, despite DS asking her to stop.

DS also received an apology from the girl and it never happened again.

I do agree that we should teach our children that "no" or "stop" should be taken seriously in any situation.

"I do agree that we should teach our children that "no" or "stop" should be taken seriously in any situation." YES! And also the 'just a bit of fun' - I think that's what the girls think this is but it has seriously freaked ds and his friends out (and maybe some of the girls, I don't know)

My DS's difficulty Take was that he is far taller and stronger than the girl. He could have stopped her touching him physically but was aware that he could end up hurting her (she was quite insistent on her attentions) and obviously didn't want to do that.

He told her, multiple times not to and that he didn't like it but she seemed to think it was part of a game.

He's a nice friendly, easy going boy but even when he lost his temper and shouted at him she carried on.

I was so pleased that her Mum was so sensible about it and didn't dismiss it. The situation was resolved and the kids still play together in a group most days.

I have a DD as well and I know that had the situation been reversed I would have expected a boy to stop after the first telling.

Tell the parents, but don't make a big drama out of it.

I remember playing kiss chase at primary school age, and I didn't see it as any different from other chasing games, just harmless fun. (Think it was even suggested by the boys ... who were more interested in girls at the age than I was in boys.)

Probably the same thing going on here. No evil intent on the girls' side, just cluelessness, tell them to stop it and apologize and they'll do so.

I do agree that we should teach our children that "no" or "stop" should be taken seriously in any situation.

I think the problem here is that they're taught the opposite by much of society and culture.
They wouldn't have to be taught this at school if adults set a good example.

Vestal I didn't mean the school should teach them this, I meant the parents.

So I just got a call from the mum of one of ds's friends as he has gone back to their house after school and is crying - turns out he was cornered at school and told who has a crush on him and that she wants to kiss him, and he was told to wait until they got her. Apparently he cried and ran away and they all laughed. I know the girl and she is very nice but it sounds a bit out of hand now, or maybe I'm being too sensitive on my ds's behalf.

I'd speak to the teacher, sounds like class wide nonsense.

I'd also do some role play etc with your DS practicing responses to this kind of thing.

Do consider that the girl too may be an unwilling participant in all this. Dd1 has been told 'I think you have a crush on xxx' or a few girls telling boys that dd fancies them when she has no interest whatsoever. Particularly if the girl wasn't there when ds was cornered, she may be just as embarrassed as your poor ds.

Speak to the school, if it were boys forcing kisses on girls there would be outcry.

Speaking to the school doesn't single out certain children and avoids getting people's backs up.

shouldwestayorshouldwego thanks, I should consider the girls who don't want to be involved of course. and having been partial to some kiss chase at that age I do understand the thrill of it all, and that maybe they're being a bit thoughtless more than anything.

I'll be in the minority and say YABU then.
Forcing a kiss on a child is not on, of course.
But 11-12yo telling eachother who fancies who, with the lack of subtleness they have at this age, is to be expected!
It sounds like you are annoyed that the other DC have moved from childhood earlier than your DS and are using an incident which happened to another DC to complain.

Urubu no, not annoyed others have moved on from childhood earlier (wtf?), and not 'using' anything to complain.

I never said I wanted to complain - I just hoped someone might have a word with the girls about boundaries so other children (including my ds now) don't get upset by unwanted physical attention. They may lack subtlety but they're hardly too young to be told it isn't right to corner other kids and try to touch them when said kids have made it clear they aren't interested. I thought it coming from their parents would make less of a big deal of it than telling the school would.

Obviously corning kids and try to touch them is not ok. Kids telling eachother someone fancies them is ok though...

By "moved on from childhood" I meant moved on from playing games and prefering to stand around and chat, including about romantic interests - which is what you mentioned in your OP so not sure where your "wtf" is coming from...

And yes correct, you didn't say you wanted to complain, just talk to a school mum in the hope she would tell her DC to behave differently than she did. That is complaining for me though, maybe I lack nuance.