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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to ask girls' parents to speak to their kids about not trying to kiss boys in their class

52 replies

takeiteasybuttakeit · 21/06/2017 10:06

Little bit long but could really do with some insights/advice. So...my 11 (nearly 12) year old ds is in primary school (not in UK so he will not be finishing primary until he is turning 13) and has been a bit upset lately - he says it is because nobody in school wants to play games any more at break-time, only stand around and chat, which he doesn't enjoy, he just wants to play football or playground games. So he has been spending his free time in school mainly on his own. I've encouraged him to join in the chat but he says he doesn't understand what they're talking about and then yesterday I think I figured it out. BTW he is currently being assessed for mild ASD, partly as he is not great at figuring out social situations.

There was an all-class party last week and he ended up playing with the 8 yo sibling of the birthday girl and their friends instead of his own class. Turns out that the girls and some boys from his class were chatting about who has a crush on who, and that the girls were chasing the boys they fancied and sort of trapping them for kisses. My ds's best friend was one of those trapped and was really upset about it, and reportedly a few of them have a crush on my ds but he just walked away when they told him.. I think my ds is just shutting it out, hence playing with the younger kids and not wanting to join in. We'll talk to him about what has been going on in more detail. I should add my ds and his closest friends are 'young' for their age and don't seem to be ready for this kind of thing. I really feel like having a chat with one of the girls' mums and seeing if she might have a word about being respectful of boundaries and unwanted attention. Am I being unreasonable? And is there a better way of handling this?

OP posts:

CrazedZombie · 21/06/2017 10:17

Is it a middle school or secondary school?

My son is 10, almost 11 and at their primary school they play football or other sports at break.
I have an older son in secondary school (y11) and for the past 5 years, he's played sport at break too. (Basketball rather than football) I'm surprised that nobody is playing sport. Based on what I've heard, at ds1's school there are sports clubs that happen at lunchtime everyday although some like him play informally with others. Apparently the only girls who do sport are the ones in organized clubs. The others almost always sit and chat.

Based on my 3 kids, it seems that there are always kids who are interested in kissing and crushes. My kids will happily listen to who fancies whom but aren't interested in dating. I'm surprised that it's the only topic that people discuss. I'd expect sport, gaming, YouTube, summer holidays etc to come up.

elevenclips · 21/06/2017 10:19

My 11yo boy would be horrified if a girl tried to kiss him!
Perhaps school could tackle?

CrazedZombie · 21/06/2017 10:19

We played Kiss Chase in primary school back in the 80s. Spin the shoe/bottle happened too. It was always voluntary so nobody who was put the game got trapped or kissed.

CrazedZombie · 21/06/2017 10:20

These days kissing is banned in school playgrounds. Not sure about secondary but Ai know that my kids had whole class lectures about not doing it in primary.

Original poster

takeiteasybuttakeit · 21/06/2017 10:22

It is a primary school, they go straight into secondary afterwards (no middle school). They don't have clubs at lunchtime, just general free-for-all playing. The chatting is one thing but it is the idea of physically trapping other kids that is making me think I should have a word...

OP posts:

Original poster

takeiteasybuttakeit · 21/06/2017 10:25

elevenclips yes, I think my ds is horrified and seems a bit terrified of break-time now. You think talk to the school rather than the parents? I'm not angry just think physically trapping and continually telling someone others have a crush on them not on when they're not interested.

OP posts:

toooldforthisshirt37 · 21/06/2017 10:25

Speak to the school. That is not acceptable at any age, or level of understanding! "Trapping" a boy to kiss him is abusive. Put the shoe on the other foot would people be up in arms if boys were "trapping" girls for kisses?

Not funny, not acceptable. Your poor boy.

Original poster

takeiteasybuttakeit · 21/06/2017 10:32

toooldforthisshirt37 I know, it is confusing and upsetting for those not interested, feels like the end of childhood or something (dramatic I know!) I mean I knew this was coming at some stage but it seems all-consuming at the moment.

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 21/06/2017 10:32

Whilst it's obviously the right age for crushes for a lot of kids, trapping boys and kissing them is definitely not on.

Original poster

takeiteasybuttakeit · 21/06/2017 10:36

Do you all think don't speak to the parents? I thought a chat with one who I know well might help as she'd spread the word. I thought it might be more effective than the school

OP posts:

halcyondays · 21/06/2017 10:43

speak to school, not parents

00100001 · 21/06/2017 10:44

The kiss-chase will more than likely fizzle out in a week or so.

I don't think any 'words' need to be had just yet.

Your son needs to learn the word 'no' too.

And if it carries on, then go tot he school about it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/06/2017 10:46

I think you should most definitely go through the school.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 21/06/2017 10:47

I wouldn't speak with the parents individually, you only have his account (although it sounds fairly spot on that that was happening) and the mum or dad might get defensive, even though they shouldn't.

I would speak with the school about this, our primary school would do a lesson on physical boundaries or something rather than single people out. It sounds like the game being played was 'kiss chase' which of course is fun if everyone wants to play it, but in your son's instance, he didn't want to (so could he leave the game? or were they literally pinning him in the corner, or was it more he didn't know socially how to quit the game everyone was playing?)

SpearmintTea · 21/06/2017 10:51

Definitely talk to the school. It sounds like a playground culture thing, and would be tackled most effectively by talking to all pupils about consent.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 21/06/2017 10:51

This happens at my ds's school too. He is 12, in year 7, and it's all the girls seem to talk about, having a boyfriend, kissing a boy etc. A girl recently asked him out and was about trap him for a hug and he ran away......

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 21/06/2017 10:52

I've just reread and seen it was not your son that was trapped and kissed, in that case, I would leave it to that parent to sort it out themselves. Otherwise you are interfering in a he said/she said not even about your own child. You don't know for sure that that's why your son played with the younger children, and even if it is, as long as all consent to chase in this game, it's fine for them to play that, the issue if there is one is for that parent to sort out.

And, you won't be able to stop people saying silly things about who fancies who, crushes etc, from 10-12, it is all about this talk, even though they are not ready for it at all, even the girls half of them.

user1495451339 · 21/06/2017 10:52

Speak to the school, no one should be made to feel humiliated like that.

CheeseMcCheeserson · 21/06/2017 10:53

Speak to the school. It's an issue they need to deal with on a class wide level. Talking directly to a parent you are likely to be seen as "precious" and "overreacting". There will be other kids who don't like it and it is
Something that will cause issues if school don't deal. It needs the kids to be educated about boundaries. Doing this on a class wide level will work better. There will be parents who think it's "sweet" and some
Who just won't care. The teachers can get the message to all the kids and have the authority to back it up.

Also re your son my DD is under assessment and struggles due to not wanting to talk about boys etc. She started playing with the younger kids and was much happier.

CheeseMcCheeserson · 21/06/2017 10:55

She has a sister a couple of years younger so we encouraged her talking To her sister and her sisters friends. They were perfectly happy to accept her and her phenomenal imagination into their play.

Many ASD kids I know shine in the company of younger ones. When she was a buddy to a reception child in year 6 she absolutely loved it. She was so caring and kind and really understood this scared 4 year old.

She's in year 7 now and coping much better than I expected

MissionItsPossible · 21/06/2017 10:56

This used to happen to me at school and I absolutely hated it, it was humiliating and embarrassing but the more I protested the more they did it as they saw it as a game. Talk to the school. Wish someone had done for me but I didn't tell my parents.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 21/06/2017 10:57

Put the shoe on the other foot would people be up in arms if boys were "trapping" girls for kisses?

Sadly not in our experience so we moved schools. Definitely talk to the school. Make it very clear what the impact is on your ds. If no progress/minimising the issue then start talking about safeguarding and involving the governors.

It is also a good time to discuss with him consent, how this behaviour would be viewed in the adult world and respect in relationships. The school need to take steps to ensure that he feels safe. If they minimise it then ask them whether they would consider it acceptable then if Mrs (insert name of female teacher) was running around after Mr (insert name of male teacher) trying to trap him and kiss him? I know that they are 'only children' but they need to learn these lessons and better to learn about consent now than in teenage relationships.

Louiselouie0890 · 21/06/2017 10:58

I think the parents of the boys that have been kissed should speak to the school.

IsItMeOr · 21/06/2017 11:00

Speak to the school as, even though it was not your DS who was trapped, he is clearly being upset by it.

This is certainly behaviour that schools would be expected to manage.

BTW, my 8 year old son has high-functioning ASD, so I hope you are okay, as the process of pursuing a diagnosis can be very draining. One thought I have is that perhaps this specific situation is not something that you need to do anything about if you already have enough on your plate.

BadToTheBone · 21/06/2017 11:03

My dd is y6 too, most of her friends have boyfriends but she's not interested. She's mature for her age but still not into boys, only as her friends. She is always complaining about it, saying all this talk is boring and she feels massive pressure about having a boyfriend. It has ruined a friendship she's had with a boy since they were at nursery, as every time she speaks to him everyone says they fancy each other.

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