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To think my FIL's comments are inappropriate...

92 replies

TimtheEnchanter · 20/06/2017 22:30

My FIL always ALWAYS comments on my figure. I'm 38 weeks pregnant with second DC and this time, just like the first, he has given his opinion on my bump, its position, my weight etc everytime i see him. He does it when I am not pregnant aswell to the point that I make sure I am well covered up when he's coming cus it gets on my nerves. Its not done in an insulting way but I find it weird that he pays so much attention to it.
This weekend I was wearing a dress cus it's so hot, knee length and t shirt style so not revealing, and after looking at me intently for a few seconds he said, out of nowhere, 'have you got varicose veins?' I haven't by the way, which I think makes it an even stranger thing to ask.
Previous examples include, asking me, once again out of nowhere, 'Since you had DC1 have your hips spread?'
A week after my DC was born, he asked in a room full of DH's family 'have you made much milk?'
When we told him I was expecting he said 'and I've been thinking all day how thin you look'.
He also comments a lot on women's figures in general, for example if you say you like a singer, he will immediately comment on her figure.
Every time he comes round, I grit my teeth waiting for the inevitable comment on how my body looks, it irritates me. Is it as weird as I think or AIBU? Genuinely want to know.

OP posts:

Helendee · 20/06/2017 22:31

Sounds weird and a little creepy to me. Does your husband know?


DrJZoidberg · 20/06/2017 22:31

Oh that's so fucking weird. I felt uncomfortable just reading it.


crazycatgal · 20/06/2017 22:32

He sounds like a creep, I don't know how you haven't told him to fuck off yet.


AnyFucker · 20/06/2017 22:33

Please tell me you make your disapproval plain to him ?


doodlejump1980 · 20/06/2017 22:34

Start commenting on his figure? But go ott?


missiondecision · 20/06/2017 22:35

It's weird. He sounds creepy.
What do you say when he asks questions?
Don't engage conversation.
Say something like, that's rude, none your business, what a weird thing to say/ask.


PoppyTree · 20/06/2017 22:36

YANBU. Defo weird. As someone said, it made me feel weird reading it. Confused

What does your partner say?


forcryinoutloud · 20/06/2017 22:37

That sounds incredibly personal and creepy. Why are you putting up with this crap? do you usually give him an answer? I'd be telling him to shut the fuck up, it's none of his damn business and it's making you uncomfortable. Either that or start asking him some personal questions about his body and see how he likes it.


TimtheEnchanter · 20/06/2017 22:37

Thank you!! I thought it was!
My DH is wildly protective of his dad, they've had a tough few years with lots of deaths in the family, so I haven't said too much, when I have said 'your dad always comments on how I look' he just looks perplexed and I leave it. I think it would really upset my DH if he knew. I've got pretty thick skin so it doesn't upset me but it does get on my nerves and I will admit I don't want him here when my DH isn't. He used to ask all the time to come over when DH was at work. I said no so many times that he's stopped asking.

OP posts:

ClopySow · 20/06/2017 22:40

Just turn every question back on him.

"Have you made much milk"
"Not much FIL, have you"

"Have your hips spread"
"A little FIL, have yours"


QueenofEsgaroth · 20/06/2017 22:40

Eugh, what a creep.

Call him on it, "Did you mean to sound so creepy?"


Urglewurgle · 20/06/2017 22:40

It's weird. If DH says he hasn't noticed I'd be tempted to 'helpfully' point it out to him everytime it happens.


AnyFucker · 20/06/2017 22:41

You also have a husband problem


QueenofEsgaroth · 20/06/2017 22:42

I would probably answer "that's none of your business, mind your manners please" a lot, non-confrontational!


TheweewitchRoz · 20/06/2017 22:42

Tell him to stop being 'pass remarkable' every time he comments on anyone but especially you - it sounds less rude than telling him to fuck off (so no comeback from your DH) but let's him know you don't like it & to shut up.


TimtheEnchanter · 20/06/2017 22:43

I usually just snap an answer and walk off. I think it's pretty clear from my tone and refusal to engage that it's pissed me off but it's like he can't read the situation.
I've found it incredibly hard to hold my tongue up to this point but I do for my DH's sake. He's had a tough few years losing his DM and other family members so he really treasures his relationship with his dad. I blew up at FIL over another issue a couple of years ago and DH backed me up so that's not the issue but it visibly affected him to see me and his dad not getting on.

Thank god you all think it's weird too. I thought I was going mad!

OP posts:

TimtheEnchanter · 20/06/2017 22:44

He does it when DH isn't around. To be honest, I know I'm being a complete coward, but I don't know how to broach it with my DH cus I know it will really upset him.

OP posts:

DrJZoidberg · 20/06/2017 22:46

Or, he can read the situation and likes it that he's being so pervy and making you uncomfortable. I don't know how you put up with it and tbh in your situation I wouldn't be doing so.


ChiefClerkDrumknott · 20/06/2017 22:47

I have no patience for men who feel entitled to comment on women's appearances, so I would lose my temper and tell him to fuck the fuck off tbh. How dare he, I'm angry on your behalf Angry


WellErrr · 20/06/2017 22:50

He knows what he's doing. He knows you don't like it. And he does it anyway.

In fact, I'd wager that making you feel uncomfortable is part of the appeal.

These men aren't just bumbling fools who are crap at judging social situations.
The fact that he does it when you're alone makes it slightly easier to respond though. What id do, next time, is hiss at him 'STOP perving over me and commenting on my body all the time you creepy fucker,' or something.

He knows he's doing it.


Italiangreyhound · 20/06/2017 22:51

TimtheEnchanter well I think it is weird, and you think it is weird but your dh, a man, and not the object of the comments, doesn't think it is weird. Which is weird, why does he get a say?

In your shoes I would either totally ignore your FIL's commens, just blank them and tune out. When he stops talking, change the subject. Just as you trained him to stop asking to come round, you might train him to stop doing this.

If you wish to be up front, I would wait until the next time he is round and if he makes a comment, just say "FIL, I'd rather not talk about that." If your dh is not present you could even say "It makes me feel uncomfortable." BUT your FIL would most likely tell your dh what you said.

Plus you do not owe your FIL a reason why you do not want to talk about this stuff.

You could make silly comments about his physical appearance but that may only encourage him. Just do not give him any comments or interest about his interest, make it clear the topic is off limits by your utter lack of interest in what he is saying.


DPotter · 20/06/2017 22:52

I agree with DrJZ, if he's only making this type of comment when your DH isn't there, he's reading the situation just fine.
I wouldn't be concerned about treading on his toes by challenging him on the comments, , he clearly doesn't worry about upsetting you......


BluePheasant · 20/06/2017 22:53

Interesting he says these things when DH not in earshot...

He is being inappropriate, does he get some sort of power kick out of making you feel uncomfortable I wonder?

You need to have an honest discussion with DH about it and I agree with other about turning the questions back on FIL. Don't allow him to make you leave a room, stare him right in the face and get the upperhand.


LouHotel · 20/06/2017 22:58

Do you have a daughter? If he started making comments to your child when their a little older how would you react?

I know its hard and ive let comments slide in the past but you have a responsibility to nip it in the bud and call out sexist behaviour when it happens.

Men think these things are acceptable because its become so common we dont react.


SofaToad · 20/06/2017 23:00

'Miss-hear' what he says and reply to something completely different, it will take the wind out of his sails and there will be no point in him doing it.

'Have your hips spread?'
No, I stopped baking my own and just buy Warburtons now..

'Have you got varicose veins?.
I find Biotex works well, you can buy it in a spray.

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