To think my FIL's comments are inappropriate...

[TimtheEnchanter]

My FIL always ALWAYS comments on my figure. I'm 38 weeks pregnant with second DC and this time, just like the first, he has given his opinion on my bump, its position, my weight etc everytime i see him. He does it when I am not pregnant aswell to the point that I make sure I am well covered up when he's coming cus it gets on my nerves. Its not done in an insulting way but I find it weird that he pays so much attention to it.
This weekend I was wearing a dress cus it's so hot, knee length and t shirt style so not revealing, and after looking at me intently for a few seconds he said, out of nowhere, 'have you got varicose veins?' I haven't by the way, which I think makes it an even stranger thing to ask.
Previous examples include, asking me, once again out of nowhere, 'Since you had DC1 have your hips spread?'
A week after my DC was born, he asked in a room full of DH's family 'have you made much milk?'
When we told him I was expecting he said 'and I've been thinking all day how thin you look'.
He also comments a lot on women's figures in general, for example if you say you like a singer, he will immediately comment on her figure.
Every time he comes round, I grit my teeth waiting for the inevitable comment on how my body looks, it irritates me. Is it as weird as I think or AIBU? Genuinely want to know.

[Italiangreyhound]

TimtheEnchanter can you prempt those questions, just say to your dh to say that you don't want personal questions or if your dh is on the phone to him ask for the phone and say it?

I just feel that after you have had your baby will not be the perfect time, you will be tired and busy and you don't need to deal with this shit.

Stay strong.

[NannyRed]

Have a word with DH, ask if he has noticed, if he has or if he has not makes no difference, just make a point of every time FIL says something, you say to DH in front of everyone who hears FIL " see, he's doing it again, I told you I'm not imaging it" I'd also be a bit tempted to ask if he has had a test for altzhimers and point out that such comments would not be considered 'normal' in polite society.

[HanShootsFirst]

Maybe the next time he is inappropriate with you when DP isn't there, tell him calmly that you know what he's doing and he's on notice. One more inappropriate comment and he loses access to his GC. Because you don't want them exposed to this, do you?

[TimtheEnchanter]

Italiangreyhound you're right. It wouldn't be a great time to deal with it. I have a terrible habit of letting things fester and then unleashing hell when I can't take anymore. I need to deal with it calmly.

[TimtheEnchanter]

And thanks to everyone for your replies. I feel really daft now that I have let it go on for so long. He just does it in such a way that afterwards I find myself thinking 'did he actually just say that' and I convince myself it's not that bad and it's not worth saying anything.
For what it's worth I have never let anybody get away with pervy remarks in the street or pub or anything, I cannot abide casual sexism and men who think it's their prerogative to comment on women's looks. I feel really fucking angry at myself that I've let this go on.

[Naughty1205]

Maybe he's just trying to have a conversation and trying to think of things you might like to talk about but it's all coming out wrong? Maybe since his wife passed away he is lonely and wants female companionship but doesn't know how to go about it. I must be the only one who feels sorry for him but I do have PMT so probably best ignore me.

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

How about - puzzled face "What? What did you say?" (making him repeat the comment/question). Do this 3 or 4 times. Hopefully at this point he'll feel uncomfortable and awkward and just mutter 'oh it was nothing"

If he does actually repeat and repeat the response from you is shock "WHY would you ask me that? That's REALLY inappropriate"

And then do what a PP said and say, "I'm not sure, we'll ask DH when he's back in the room" and follow through. "oh, darling... you dad was just asking how much milk my breasts produced. What do you think?"

[AngelaTwerkel]

if he's only making this type of comment when your DH isn't there, he's reading the situation just fine.

Agreed.

Next time he does it, could you bring it up with your DH a bit later in front of him. "Oh your dad was just commenting on how much bigger my bum is, weren't you Dave?" Do it every time.

I know that's PA but I reckon it'll put a stop to it.

[Italiangreyhound]

Naughty1205 I am sure he could have female companionship without making rude comments.

If he made he comments all the time, in front of the OP's dh, I could feel sorry that he is so socially inept. The fact he selects a time when his son is not around to make personal comments to his DIL, is not on.

He could be sad, lonely and inappropriate. The OP has a primary duty to herself not to put up with this shit.

If he really is lonely and looking for female company I think there are better places to look.

The trouble with all this getting him to repeat it and say it again is that it is sending confusing mixed messages. It's not appropriate so don't ask him to repeat it. That's my advice. I once heard a rude joke (very young and impressionable) and so pretended I did not know what it was about. It ended up with the guy explaining it in great detail and me feeling like an idiot.

[Butterymuffin]

Some great ideas here. Love Sofa's one of answering a totally different question, Two Ronnies style. Also the total silence.

I do think you need to tell your DH. I understand where you're coming from in saying your FIL has been 'protected' for the last few years, but it's you now who needs protecting / to be able to freely act to protect yourself. Tell your DH what's been happening and that you're not going to let it go any longer, and that you don't want to cut his father out of your lives, but that to avoid that he has to support you on this - it is non-negotiable.

[Freyanna]

He is feeding off you reactions to his unpleasant comments. I would totally ignore him when he says these things, don't rise to the bait.

[TwirlyCat]

Completely blanking questions and comments about my weight worked quickly on my FIL, despite it going on for sometime previously. At first there were follow up questions, or he would give the answer he thought I should say to fill the conversation gap, but I completely blanked that too. Normal conversation resumed when he changed the subject. He still can't talk about another female without also commenting on appearance, but he has stopped with the comments/questions about me.

[goingmadinthecountry]

Not speaking to my ils for the last few years has made my life so much easier!!

Alternatively, buy some liver/offal and tell him it's your placenta and offer to hand feed it to him, giving great detail about it.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

i'd secretly tape fil making these comments....so when fil feeds dh a load of 'woe is me' crap and dh jumps to his defence, you've got some actual evidence.

i doubt your husband wants to admit his father is a pervert.

[TalkingintheDark]

OP please don't feel angry at yourself. For all the reasons you've outlined this has been a really difficult situation to handle and you should never have had to deal with this shit in the first place.

Save your anger for your creepy perve of a FIL. And for your DH if he doesn't back you up 100% in future. He doesn't get to duck out of this with the whole "perplexed" routine; he needs to grow up and face who and what his father really is.

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

Wow - this is wrong on so many levels....

[MonkeyPieMama]

What a creep. Your FIL isn't Leon from Gogglebox is he?! If it was me, he'd get sarcastic comments back. Make it abundantly clear that you know he's acting like such sleaze. Your dh should be telling him yo keep his pervy gob shut. Eugh.

[RibenaMonsoon]

I would make it my topic of choice every time I see him.
Give TMI every time. Talking about periods, cramping pains, state of lady garden.

Make him feel awkward about it to the point he wants you to shut up. He will soon start finding other things to talk about.

I personally would really enjoy that, seeing how far i could push it.

"Oh but FIL you always seem so interested in these things"

[Laiste]

I'd go with the involving DH in the convo whenever he does it from now on.

Or be brave and very clearly and angrily call him out on it next time.

You might find the baby hormones and the tiredness give you the fierceness you need to tear him off a strip next it happens. I'm a bugger for letting things ride for ages, doing nothing and then wanting to explode too OP. Use the post partum force maybe! :)

[CalmItKermitt]

Ugh. Good luck OP. Don't put up with it a second more.

[Bananamanfan]

Good luck, op. My MIL did this for years; could not mention a woman without mentioning the size of their breasts, "why is she wearing that dress with those legs" etc, but i think all of her sons have pulled her up on it & she is now a lot better. -and you can imagine, dh & BsIL took some training as DHs after a lifetime of it!

[TheSparrowhawk]

Don't feel angry at yourself, guys like this are very very good at manipulating the situation. You expect him to be normal.and nice and your DH loves him so he has you permanently on the back foot. The two things I have found always work with arseholes like this is to ask them to repeat what they've said and to appear to be writing down what they've said. That way you can't have accusations of hysteria and overreaction levelled at you and his own words make him look like a total dick.

[MrsKoala]

I don't think it's necessarily creepy, i think some people just ask questions like this. i know loads of people who do. My grandparents, pils, ex pils, aunts, uncles etc used to sit and discuss everything about other people as they just had nothing else to talk about. Fil (altho he now has dementia, so its part of it) has done it all his life.

[Maxandrubyrubyandmax]

Just ask him whether he has always been a creepy perv or was their a specific event which triggered his gross behaviour

[ApproachingATunnel]

I think it's a weird power trip, especially if he says things when DH is not around. He likes to see you being uncomfortable and squirm and gets his kicks out of it.
I would not play any passive agressive games but be dead straight and to the point every time he says inapropriate things. 'FIL, my figure is none of your business, stop commenting in my legs/bum/weight, it's inapropriate'. If you can say it in presence of others even better.

My mil is a bit like that, comments on my weight, my children's weight, mine and their shape and it gets on my nerves. I suppose that's a topic to talk about when there's not much to talk about...