AIBU to believe my employee?

[Urubu]

An employee of mine asked for a day off as one of her husband's relatives relatives has passed and they wanted to attend the funeral. She had already used all of her annual leave but I said she could take it off and just make the hours up there and then so she would still be paid. She told me the date of the funeral approx 10d in advance.
Now DH is saying funerals are planned quicker than this so maybe she lied about why she wanted the time off.
So, AIBU to trust her and believe there can be 10 days between a death and the funeral?

You know now that funerals can be almost any number of days after the person's death, does your DH have any other reason to think it might be a lie?
Absolutely not

Given the long time between death and funeral in the UK, do the bereaved actually have to go back to work in the interim, live their lives as if nothing has happened in the interim, and then do a funeral?
Yes they do, I had 3 days off to make arrangements when my DM died, then back to work for 2 weeks, then the funeral. I hadn't realised how long it could be either til then.

It was over 3 weeks from his death before my FIL's funeral took place.

sodablackcurrant "Given the long time between death and funeral in the UK, do the bereaved actually have to go back to work in the interim, live their lives as if nothing has happened in the interim, and then do a funeral?"

Well I cannot speak for others but I went back to work. I guess it really does depend on the depth of the tragedy, doesn't it. I;d lost my mum after a ling illness, at an old age, it was not the same as the sudden shock of an unexpected loss or the terrible tragedy of a very young person dying.

"OMG, that is unreal and very cruel to the bereaved person if it happens. I cannot get my head around that, if it is true." But as the chief mourner, of my mum, I could choose when to have the funeral, and we chose to wait so certain key people could get there. If it had been very important to bury my mum quickly we could have done that.

"Funerals where I am are three/four days max from death." I would actually find this harder as you don''t always get to process your feelings quickly.

BUT we all process things differently and if it is your traditional to do things within a set time frame this will feel more normal and more secure, for me a longer time frame felt right.

And DH took a few full days off - mostly because his mum needed help with practical stuff, then did the rest of the first week working half days then going round to his mum's to help her clear out all the shit that had accumulated over the years and more intensely when his father was ill for the last few months. She'd had to turn their livingroom into a bedroom for him and stuff was all over the place.

He was glad to get back into work full time, after that. It would have been harder for him to be waiting around and not feeling productive.

My husband has officiated at a couple of funerals (actually for a husband and wife) and they both had about a three to four week gap between death and funeral.
Apart from DH, the people involved were the undertaker, the crematorium and a particular place where the deceased wanted their wake to be held. A date had to be found when all four people/venues were available, a very difficult task as the crematorium were very busy at the time.
The undertaker did say it was not unusual for a few weeks gap for burials/cremations to take place, for a huge number of reasons, especially if the deceased has particular wishes for their send off.
Just get suspicious if the same person has to go to 6 funerals for great auntie Mabel, or 8 cousin Bills!

Italian,

Thanks for the insight. I did not mean to denigrate the UK system at all, and I hope you didn't think that, but I don't think you did.

We all have our own systems around funerals.

The norm here is usually 3 days, off work for that with bereavement leave, but it is five days for a child. Then if necessary a sign off from the doctor for another week or so. It would be very unusual for the bereaved of a parent or other very close relative to be expected to go back to work before that.

Where I am obv.

Eggandchips.

Good Lord. How did you cope being back at work before the funeral? I cannot understand it.

But that is just me and my country's norms talking here I suppose.

Sorry for your loss.

It's largely down to the shortage of crematoriums. Most of the crematoria in the UK are reaching the end of their useful life, and so far very few councils have been willing to a. cough up for and b. assign land to any new ones. So even if you want a burial, the undertakers may well be booked up for several weeks with crematorium funerals that have had to be booked further ahead. If you think about it, even the most modest funeral takes a team of a minimum of 4 to carry the coffin, just because of the weight, and is at least 3-4 hours from start to finish, meaning you can't do more than 2 in a day. That's quite a hefty staff requirement for a small business.

(source is family member who works as consultant to twelfty bazillion funeral directors and sits on the board of various bodies that deal with disposal of dead bodies)

In Ireland we bury the dead very quick, can happen in a matter of days.

I can't believe it takes as long as it does in UK.

My ex mother in law put her mother in the fridge and went to Portugal on holiday. Her own words!

Soda "Thanks for the insight. I did not mean to denigrate the UK system at all, and I hope you didn't think that, but I don't think you did."

Of course. I know we all do things differently. It works for me but mainly because it is what I expect. I visited three places to find a suitable place for the wake, I would have found it very stressful to look for somewhere and book it all quickly. But in hindsight I would not have waited so long.

Maybe it is also something about how one feels about death and funerals etc. I didn't see the funeral as a sort of hurdle to be over come. I actually felt pleased to be able to celebrate my mum, it was very moving.

What I do feel sorry for is when a family cannot have a funeral, because for some reason the body is not released. i do know a family where that happened and there was an unplanned delay and it was quite stressful.

Sorry of course they can have a funeral! But they have to wait.

Italian.

I understand. We are all different, and have to operate within what we have.

Sorry for your loss.

Thanks Soda it was a blessed release. She was very ill. When my dad died my mum lived on without him for 12 years but it was a bit like waiting for the other shoe to drop. i do think it changes things the circumstances of death. It's not one thing - in a way.

Italian.

My Dad passed 16 years ago and Mum is lingering like a little bird in the bed. Has had so many things happen to her poor love, but she recovers every time, no problem. Her qol is buggered now though, but she is still our mum.

It is so sad to see them deteriorate, but all we can do is be there with them. And we are.

Nice chatting. Must hit the sack now!

Soda hope you have peace. My mum had dementia and was all but gone to us until the last two weeks when she rallied for a little while and we saw her smile. It's all very tough.

Night night.

I think it's unreasonable of your DH to discredit the employee, shame on him.

It can even vary from area to area or the wishes of the bereaved (along with availability at the crematorium, undertakers schedule, mourners travelling from overseas etc)

Where I grew up 8 days was the norm, sooner than that was seen as indecent haste, much longer was dragging it out. That isn't the case where I live now and there's a far longer gap between death and cremation.

Why would you think that? It took me three weeks to arrange my mums funeral as we had to ship her home to Jersey and it was horrid and I had to be at work in between. I know some religions bury very fast but two weeks is not unusual. Do you think she thought she had to make up an excuse to ask for the time off - it may have been something she did not want to disclose at this point, eg a medical or family thing? If she is making up the time I think you are being bit unreasonable to authorise it and then query it.

When my relative died recently we couldn't get an appointment to register the death for a week, never mind make any arrangements.

In Australia funerals happen very quickly and so I was surprised when I realised in England there is a longer perod. But if you are in England 10 days is normal.

It depends on the cause of death and where it happens. Great-Aunt, Great-Uncle, Grandad, were all cremated within 7 days - delay was because the crematorium was fully booked, not over when body was released. They all had known conditions and causes of death were natural.

Friend's son was three when he fell down the stairs and died. It took 2 months for them to release the body.

Your H was being cynical and unkind.

That's terrible Groupie - poor wee boy and family.

In NI/ROI it's as quick as possible and the best plan is for three days

Depends on lots of stuff though.