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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if a relationship can overcome very opposing political views?

72 replies

Beadoren · 19/06/2017 23:04

I've been with OH for ten years, since we were both quite young. At the beginning of our relationship neither of us were particularly interested in politics- apathetic if you will. As we've grown older and moved on with our lives we seem to have developed very different political swings (me left, him, right), and with the current climate being so polarised, and particularly with recent events, I find myself not being able to look at him in the same way. He is a wonderful man, but I'm really struggling with his lack of sympathy for the poor/migrants etc. He thinks Theresa May is a strong leaded and is pro the gentrification of London FGS?

AIBU and a leftie snowflake?

OP posts:

Tapandgo · 19/06/2017 23:09

It's wether your differing views get in the way of a shared outlook on life. Are your goals still the same?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/06/2017 23:09

Don't you discuss why you each feel that way? Surely there are interesting conversations to be had?

After all he's a wonderful man you've known for years so you can't just write him off as one of those MN two dimensional baddie Tories. Same for him, he can't just write you off as a ludicrous free unicorns for everyone and nobody poor is ever bad socialist.

Sounds like a great night in with a bottle of wine and open minds.

Original poster

Beadoren · 19/06/2017 23:12

I feel like any conversation turns to him trying to educate me and I just get so frustrated at his outlook of "tough, life's hard, if you want to get ahead in life you work and that's it". It's ironic because he comes from a WC background and yet has such contempt for the poor, and I have had a little bit more of a privileged upbringing and I cannot understand his lack of empathy.

OP posts:

LouiseBrooks · 19/06/2017 23:17

I could cope with differing opinions but contempt for the poor? No way. I suspect he thinks because he got out, anyone can but it's not the case. It's not just about hard work.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/06/2017 23:23

I don't mean to be goady but he actually comes from that background and you don't, yet you are dismissive of his viewpoint. You even describe it as ironic. That's really very dismissive of his actual life experience. If he has experience of something you don't, then why wouldn't you be the one being educated?

Is it because you are middle class and therefore right and the working class man isn't seeing it, the horrible oik!

How does it go on topics on which it is you who has the relevant life experience that he doesn't have?

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 19/06/2017 23:24

My DH is very left-wing and I am more small-c conservative. We both vote the same but I do know what you mean about the trying to educate me all the time. By 9pm at night I just want to relax, nothing highbrow!

Contempt for the poor would obviously be a massive turn-off for most people but if your political views aren't getting in the way of common values and shared goals it doesn't have to be a problem.

There was an interesting discussion on Radio 2 this lunchtime where a mum wrote a letter to her son about his use of social media to, in her opinion, belittle the political beliefs she had. Discussing how their relationship fared after Brexit etc. It was an interesting listen.

Original poster

Beadoren · 19/06/2017 23:52

Rabbit

I find it ironic because he has so much contempt for his own background, the background his parents came from. He judges those that haven't 'made something for themselves'. He doesn't believe benefits should exist. Thinks there should be food vouchers instead so people can't spend it on alcohol and scratch cards.

We talk about the NHS crisis and he tells me it is because everyone wants to get drunk on a Saturday night and get into fights/get diabetes from overeating/liver desease from alcohol. Won't listen to me when I try to explain the problems that arise with an aging population.

I do get where he comes from in so far as each person has a choice, but I feel he really doesn't get that for capitalism to work, there has to be poverty. And I can't understand how far reaching his 'life isn't fair, deal with it' attitude goes.

OP posts:

Bobbiepin · 20/06/2017 00:03

I am exactly the same with my DH, down to him "educating " me. Our solution is that we don't talk politics unless we are walking to and from a polling station to vote. The way we see it is politics is a matter of opinion, there is no right or wrong. If you have differing opinions then its a pointless conversation. We respect each other's right to make our own choices but leave it there.

Slimthistime · 20/06/2017 00:04

There's differing views that don't matter
But "contempt for the poor"
Ooh no. Couldn't date that guy.

VestalVirgin · 20/06/2017 00:06

I have a friend who is the first in her family to go to university, why I'm from a background where both my parents went to university, and she's of the opinion she shouldn't have to pay more taxes on hear hard earned money, while I ... am more critical of capitalism.

People who had to work for being rich / being thin / being healthy tend to think that everyone should just do the same as them.

Whereas those who are just lucky tend to be a bit more forgiving. (That only applies to decent people, though, there's people born rich who think poor people should "work more" despite never having worked hard themselves ... but those are just assholes)

A divide in how much capitalism you think is acceptable is easier to live with as a heterosexual couple than sexism (though May isn't exactly the perfect politician on that front, either ...) if there's no class divide between the couple, but it can be a problem.

You are lucky in that your husband is the one with the poor background ... if it were the other way round, and he had lots of contempt for you and/or your relatives and friends who didn't escape poverty, that'd be worse.

VestalVirgin · 20/06/2017 00:12

The way we see it is politics is a matter of opinion, there is no right or wrong.

If you think there is no right or wrong, why do you even bother voting?

Liking or disliking broccoli is a matter of opinion and there is no right or wrong.

Politics is not broccoli.

(That said, if you had to have a democratic vote on whether to have broccoli for dinner, and your husband and child wanted it every day and you hated it, then perhaps you would understand why in a democracy, it does matter what your husband votes for)

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 20/06/2017 05:37

He sounds quite cruel and nasty. Probably ashamed of his background and trying to prove something by acting like he's above it. I'm sure he doesn't want to admit that he's just lucky he got where he did and others don't have the same opportunities present themselves. I feel a bit sorry for him that he obviously has these self esteem issues but anyone who think the poor should just suffer because they're bad/lazy are arseholes of the first order.

It won't work out unless he changes. You are fundamentally different people. You care about humans and he does not. He puts people down to make himself feel better. In fact he puts you down every time he tries to "educate" you. If he's trying to make himself feel superior by putting down his life partner it's not going to work out.

SuperBeagle · 20/06/2017 05:42

I wouldn't date someone who was a Labour voter, but divergent political perspectives are things that would surely surface relatively early on. It can't seriously have taken you 10 years to realise that you may not be compatible?

Sweatysweaty · 20/06/2017 05:44

At last parliament one of the SNP MPs was married to a Tory.
Me and dh had very different views when we first began dating, but with age we've stated to both drift more to the middle.
I think it can work sometimes

AddToBasket · 20/06/2017 05:53

Well, I agree that the problem isn't politics per se, it is contempt. Presumably you aren't rowing about different approaches to steel tariffs.

You say you don't want to be educated - are you not hearing him out? It sounds as though you are.?

SleepFreeZone · 20/06/2017 05:57

I know lots of men very similar to your husband. I don't know why they find it so easy to turn their back on those who are more vulnerable, I suspect it's a defence mechanism. It's far easier to put your head in the sand and motor through than it is to see the sadness in the world.

I'm lucky that me and DP share the same politic leanings and music too! It definitely makes our life easier and our political conversations nice and short.

OliveSoap · 20/06/2017 06:05

No. What Vestal said. Politics is not about whether you prefer strawberry to vanilla.

OliveSoap · 20/06/2017 06:10

Also, both DH and I are first-generation school-completers, child often of parents who left school at 12, with poor literacy levels, for unskilled manual jobs. We've 'done well for ourselves' through hard work, but neither would consider voting Tory or feeling 'contempt for the poor'. If anything, the older I get the more I admire my parents' and ILs' energy and cheerfulness in the face of overwhelming odds.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/06/2017 06:10

My other half has views that don't always match mine, but fundamentally we're coming from the same place. If he had contempt for the poor and a "bootstraps" attitude, I couldn't be with him.

derxa · 20/06/2017 06:15

OP Another thread to get people frothing...

PoochSmooch · 20/06/2017 06:20

I think it can work. My husband and I are on different ends of the political spectrum - he describes himself as socially liberal, fiscally conservative, and I'm left of centre. He's militarist, I'm generally pacifist. To my eternal disgust, he even defends the fact he voted for Thatcher!

Recent political events have found us on the same side, though- we're both staunch remainers (for Scotland in the UK & the UK in Europe), and in horror at the shambles of British politics, we both joined the Lib Dems, so we converged from different sides to a centrist position as the country has fractured to the right and left of us.

There are still a lot of areas where we just don't agree, though. Interestingly, our backgrounds are similar to yours, OP, with him coming from a deprived second gen immigrant background, and me from a place of privilege. We almost always manage to debate our positions respectfully, though, and it's generally interesting - whereas your situation sounds as though you're not managing to achieve that, and that's what's causing the issues. Could you agree some ground rules for debate that leave you feeling less bruised? Or do you think it is actually exposing some fundamental incompatibilies?

MaisyPops · 20/06/2017 06:28

Voting outcome differing is easy to get past if you were both reasonably centre ground and just chose different sides in an election.

For me, when political views would get in the way is when they reflect such different worldviews.

E.g. if the Tories in the last election were centre right and DH voted for them, I'd get past it because he is still the moderate centre ground person I know. But if he started taking on hardliners conservative views then I could see it being a struggle because it's a set of values that are in conflict with my own.

SallyGinnamon · 20/06/2017 06:41

DH and I have always voted differently but respect each other's opinions. Neither of us are 100% for any one party though. For each party there are some policies we like some we don't. The balance tips in different directions.

DonaldStott · 20/06/2017 06:47

There's a difference between having differing political views, and being an unempathetic, selfish moron.

Your 'd'h sounds like the latter.

There is no way on this earth I could marry/date a tory. They represent an ideology that discriminates against the vulnerable people in our society. And to live with someone who is vocal in supporting this, well it just wouldn't work.

BitchQueen90 · 20/06/2017 06:48

I think it can work but like others have said, it really depends on your viewpoint of the world. I'm quite far left and for me those things you mentioned would be a deal breaker. I am all for working hard to get what you want but some people just don't have that opportunity.

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