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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if a relationship can overcome very opposing political views?

72 replies

Beadoren · 19/06/2017 23:04

I've been with OH for ten years, since we were both quite young. At the beginning of our relationship neither of us were particularly interested in politics- apathetic if you will. As we've grown older and moved on with our lives we seem to have developed very different political swings (me left, him, right), and with the current climate being so polarised, and particularly with recent events, I find myself not being able to look at him in the same way. He is a wonderful man, but I'm really struggling with his lack of sympathy for the poor/migrants etc. He thinks Theresa May is a strong leaded and is pro the gentrification of London FGS?

AIBU and a leftie snowflake?

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 20/06/2017 06:51

Agree donald.
There's a difference between voting Labour and being a socialist.
There's a difference between voting Tory and being a Tory.

I could get past voting Tory in one election based on a moderate manifesto. I couldn't in a million years date a Tory because so many views make me feel very uncomfortable.

PhilODox · 20/06/2017 07:03

I think it can have an impact, particularly when it comes to emotive issues.

hahahaIdontgetit · 20/06/2017 07:18

If you can remain respectful of each other's opinion then it can work.

Oldbutstillgotit · 20/06/2017 07:26

DH and I have always had different political views but it was never a big issue until the Scottish Referendum in 2014 when he was a fervent Yes and I was an equally fervent No. since then he has tried to "educate" me and we have had some humdingers . I still work whereas he is retired and I just want to relax when I get home not listen to Tory bad, SNP wonderful lectures ( I am not Tory but certainly more to the right than DH). It is very hard and I am not sure if we would survive Indyref2.

Pickerel · 20/06/2017 07:31

This isn't as unusual as you may think, OP. In the recent election, the Tories were more popular than Labour among what you might think of as the traditional working class (skilled manual labourers).

yougov.co.uk/news/2017/06/13/how-britain-voted-2017-general-election/

But if you have lost respect for him then that could be a problem.

dudsville · 20/06/2017 07:33

There are a handful of things I want to just be accepted in my house and that I don't wish to debate outside of it. Politics and religion, views on children and family are tops. It's tricky when, like you, you get together young and grow up in different directions. The relationship I was in from a young age couldn't flex around our growing up but there was more than one issue to contend with. If you get on well otherwise then perhaps you could have a discussion about how to be respectful of one another's opposing views?

hungrytillater · 20/06/2017 07:42

How would you feel about him.passing on his views to your children?

MouseholeCat · 20/06/2017 07:46

I think it depends on your individual temperaments as much as anything.

I'm quite firey, and both DH and I are very politically engaged (on the left). I would not be able to let it go if DH agreed with austerity or Brexit, it would bug me constantly and we'd end up in heated philosophical arguments constantly.

On the flip side, my sister is a Labour supporter and her DP a Tory and it's fine, mainly because talking politics bores her so it never descends into arguments.

Brittbugs80 · 20/06/2017 07:49

You are not wrong for voting Labour, that is your right as a voter. He isn't wrong for voting Tory, that is his right as a voter.

What would be unreasonable is if you don't want to listen to his views and accept them without insisting that he is in fact wrong and you are right and vice versa.

It comes down to how he is in every day life. If he goes round full of contempt as you say he does, for those not as well off as him and being horrible and just not a nice person then yanbu to question the relationship.

Ignoring politics, how is he? Are there any other behaviours he displays that are making you question the relationship?

DurhamDurham · 20/06/2017 07:51

I've always supported Labour and I knew from the start that my husband was a Tory, we've managed to stay together for 25 years despite this.
Both our girls have grown up and are definitely in the left camp so that makes me happy Grin

Herbie58 · 20/06/2017 07:56

This is a topic close to my heart! DP and I are both at opposite ends of the political spectrum. He's staunchly UKIP and I'm conservative but with lefty roots and leanings.

We have had massive arguments, gone to sleep not talking, fallen out. All over politics.

I realised the problem wasn't out politics. It was out willingness to listen to one another, respect one another's views or sometimes just agree to disagree. So we agreed to do that and now it's fine.

Sometimes I have to bite my tongue. Others I gently debate, sometimes I tell him he's an idiot. But by and large we both love one another far too much to let it become obstructive.

lucydogz · 20/06/2017 08:00

I think it all hinges on if he really is contemptuous. If so, that's a bad sign. But I think it's immature and controlling to expect your DH to agree with you on politics. I love having discussions with my DH, because we have differing viewpoints.
Does anyone remember the Peep Show episode when Jess tells Johnson that Mark is pro Israel and he's pro Palestine, because it makes the news more interesting?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 20/06/2017 08:01

OP sorry to be so blunt but your Oh sounds like an ignorant, dailymail reading idiot.

No, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with such nasty views.

andintothefire · 20/06/2017 08:09

I agree with PPs that this isn't really about how he votes - it is about his empathy and outlook.

Lots of people voted Tory in the recent election because they genuinely believed that the country would be better off under a Tory government. I have absolutely no problem with that (although I disagree with their views). But I would struggle with somebody who failed to understand that some people need more help from the state and that not everybody has the same advantages. It is an attitude that I have come across regularly among friends from working class backgrounds who are now successful. Somehow they think that everybody could be successful if they just worked harder.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/06/2017 08:39

Sometimes people go one way in a discussion to balance out the other side so if he feels your leanings are too far one way he may be upping it a bit to balance you out. Same with you. So maybe meeting a bit in the middle as much as possible.
Also find men like to pontificate on their beliefs which is so boring sometimes. I wouldnt be bothered arguing just nod at regular intervals.
But l would not let him pass on a bad attitude to poor/ migrants etc to your dc.

BigYellowJumper · 20/06/2017 08:45

I think it's pretty common for working class people who have 'made it out' (even if it's only by a little) to be contemptuous of the poor. I say that as a working class person (who is not contemptuous of the poor.)

It is the attitude of 'well, I did it, why not you?' while not thinking about the multiple factors that led to your relative success.

I personally couldn't be married to someone who held those kinds of attitudes. All I want is for my husband to be kind and thoughtful. To me, 'just work, then!' isn't kind or thoughtful. It depends on a lot of different factors though and every relationship is different.

hackmum · 20/06/2017 08:50

I don't really get the idea of respect in this situation. I don't respect people who have contempt for poor people, or hate immigrants or think it's OK to let refugees drown in the Mediterranean. You might call it a difference of political opinion but to me it's a matter of ethics. It's about whether you're a kind person or someone who is entirely selfish.

So I wouldn't be able to live with someone with those kinds of views. But obviously some people do make it work. Lucy Mangan is still, afaik, married to "Toryboy".

OliveSoap · 20/06/2017 09:39

Exactly, hackmum. I would see it as an ethical issue not to combat a UKIP supporter. Obviously, it's a spouse's right to vote for whoever he wants, but there's a difference between that and letting xenophobia, racism or contempt for the poor be seen as ok. Those views should not be 'respected', ever.

And I've always assumed Toryboy was imaginary.

Tapandgo · 20/06/2017 15:09

Are the differences in views borne of different levels of education? I only ask as his views on the NHS are so 'limited' and more line The Sun or The Mail sound bites.

Original poster
Beadoren · 20/06/2017 15:47

Tapandgo

Yes. To put it bluntly. We also have q different views when it comes to education and the value of education. He really is working class in the very true sense of it. He does work ridiculously hard, ridiculous hours but is a self made man. Due to the trade he is in, the other comfortably off people he knows are also self-made. Whereas i went to private school and the grammar and so a lot of the people I know who are rich, are rich from having a bit of money in the family, and then pursuing rigorously academic careers. I place a lot of value in education for educations sake. He thinks a degree is a piece of paper and money is what makes the world go round.

He believes he's had a hard climb uphill with no tax breaks or free loans so why should students get free loans to "better themselves" if they don't want to work.

He suggested that if you get a 1st, your degree should be free, and you should pay it back more and more depending on how low your classification is. (This is so long as your degree is in a subject which will lead you directly to a job which contributes to society. So not if you do something "pointless" like philosophy or art).

He thinks drugs should be decriminalised because if you're stupid enough to take them you're stupid enough to pay taxes on them.

I'm left leaning but I am also fiscally a realist. Sometimes austerity is a necessary measure taken during a recession.

He isn't racist, is extremely socially liberal. But yes, there are undertones of the mail there.

OP posts:
greenlavender · 20/06/2017 15:51

Been married to DH 26 years. I'm very Left & he's very Right.

Notknownatthisaddress · 20/06/2017 16:09

Not sure how I feel about this. Luckily me and DH are on the same page. Neither far right or far left.

Both the far left, PC, finger-wagging brigade, AND the far right, Muslim-hating, everything-is-the-fault-of-the-immigrants brigade fuck me off, because they're both extreme, and never listen to the other side's viewpoint. I have no time for either and refuse to listen to them, or engage in any debate with them.

mrsmuddlepies · 20/06/2017 16:38

Being poor doesn't automatically make you a nice person. This was the great discovery of the 'hero' in Samuel Butlers's Victorian novel, The Way of all Flesh.
Poverty is horrible but I have a lot of respect for people like your husband who manage to escape his difficult start in life.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 20/06/2017 17:13

Oh dear, I would have to end things, more so because he sounds exactly like my estranged FIL and MIL and the complete lack of empathy was my first clue to their sociopathic narcissism, narcissism. I have to say that as hard as it was going nc for my lovely dh, he now has the political freedom to be himself (SNP/ green/CND/ YES for #IndyRef2), my in-laws are Conservative/ UKIP / BNP meets Katie Hopkins. My dh is very involved in local politics and I am more than sure that it must infuriate his family (which is very much his intention) when they see him in the local newspaper/Facebook/ news channel.

If your dh/ p shared some of my in-laws views, which it sounds like he does (they hate disabled people and having met a colleagues child who was born premature and as a result has some learning difficulties, fil declared that premature babies should be left to die/ terminated at birth to prevent them being a leech on the NHS/ welfare system), although hopefully your dh's views are not as extreme, I honestly could not live with myself, knowing my dh/ p had such evil thoughts! I would find his lack of compassion or empathy for mankind an absolute turn off. My dh is the most loving caring man, who helps out in the local community, has volunteered for the local food bank and goes out of his way to help others. Now that's a turn on!

BabychamSocialist · 20/06/2017 17:22

I don't know, I think it can probably work but I couldn't go out with someone who has contempt for the poor.

DP is on the left-wing like me but it actually took me 20 years to get him to vote without complaining cos he thought his vote wouldn't change anything. This year he voted for the first time in ages and he was chuffed that Tories were losing seats by 30-odd votes in some places, proving all votes matter!

I do have a friend who is very left-wing and her husband is more on the right. I think she said they just don't talk about politics to maintain the harmony, which is probably the way to go if you don't and won't ever agree.