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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's possible for more damage to be done by ending a marriage

68 replies

clearwaters · 19/06/2017 13:44

It's possible really for more damage to be done by leaving, isn't it? Or is it?

My parents marriage wasn't perfect but I always thought my dad was a God and my mum was the bad guy and I didn't understand a lot of the time my dad wasn't fair or kind to my mum.

So I suppose what I'm saying is if they'd split I wouldn't necessarily have been happier with my mum.

Same in my own marriage now. I feel like if we were to separate it would put the children in an impossible position.

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
PortiaCastis · 19/06/2017 13:45

In my case no, I'd be dead if I'd stayed with that violent tuss

missyB1 · 19/06/2017 13:48

I believe an unhappy relationship between mum and dad does affect children long term. If the relationship cannot be fixed then it is probably better for the kids if the couple split up. It's very stressful for children to live in a bad atmosphere.

Original poster
clearwaters · 19/06/2017 13:49

But then surely that atmosphere doesn't just evaporate once you've split? Because you both still have to parent them.

OP posts:
PortiaCastis · 19/06/2017 13:50

What's worse for a child, having nc with their Father or watching their Mother get beaten

Original poster
clearwaters · 19/06/2017 13:51

Obviously in your case Portia that's a bit different Flowers

OP posts:
TiredMumToTwo · 19/06/2017 13:52

I resented my ex-H so much when we were together as I felt he just wasn't pulling his weight & I was working myself into the ground. Our relationship is 100% better now as I try to give him as little opportunity as possible to let me down. If he does fuck up, it's easier to be less stressed about it when you don't live with them!

PeaFaceMcgee · 19/06/2017 13:52

I would have rather had certainty than 16 years of hearing arguments, feeling confused, feeling like 'this isn't right' but not knowing what was wrong.

I grew up feeling wrong and out of sorts. I really wish they'd split!

AnUtterIdiot · 19/06/2017 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhooooAmI24601 · 19/06/2017 13:53

I think if you're unhappy together your children will know that. I also think that although being separated you might still be unhappy with one another, you stand a better chance of eventually making yourselves happy once more, which will have an enormous impact on your DCs.

lalalalyra · 19/06/2017 13:53

No, I don't agree.

It could have been that separate you'd have realised that your Dad wasn't God and seen that your Mum wasn't always the bad guy.

Too often in parent/child relationships there is the Disney element and that can happen with parents together or apart. At least with parents apart if they are happier it can benefit the child.

PeaFaceMcgee · 19/06/2017 13:54

But then surely that atmosphere doesn't just evaporate once you've split? Because you both still have to parent them

My Dad wouldn't have bothered to do any parenting... But the atmosphere of wrongness would have gone.

BarbedBloom · 19/06/2017 13:54

My parents stayed together and I wish they hadn't. I was taught to tiptoe round my dad's moods, I remember having pillows over my head so I couldn't hear them argue (they thought we were asleep) and my little brother creeping into my room to hide from it. Just the atmosphere all the time. We knew they didn't love each other even though they thought they hid it.

I find myself always soothing people and trying to lighten atmospheres. I hate it when anyone is upset with me and I often cry during arguments because I can't cope with them. I am also a huge people pleaser, as is my brother.

Original poster
clearwaters · 19/06/2017 13:54

Possibly that's very true AnUtter

And in my case they weren't saintly individuals caught in a bad marriage. Sometimes I think they just weren't particularly pleasant people.

But ... I wanted different for mine. Better.

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 19/06/2017 13:55

Even just one home without the horrid atmosphere was all I wanted

peachgreen · 19/06/2017 14:12

Totally disagree. Growing up with an unhealthy relationship as a model for a long-term partnership is incredibly damaging long-term. I'd far rather show my children that it's better to be single than stay in an unhappy relationship.

PeaFaceMcgee · 19/06/2017 14:16

I'd far rather show my children that it's better to be single than stay in an unhappy relationship

Yep x 100

PinkPeppers · 19/06/2017 14:25

I don't think it's anywhere as simple as some posters seem to think.
Just as much as you want to show your dcs that they don't have to put up with awful situations, you also want to show them that marriage can need work, that adults sometimes have disagreements but thatbthey can work through it.
If you leave as soon as a relationship is making yu unhappy, wo putting the work needed to make it better (and most of the time, both partners need to put some work in), then you are teaching them a lot of things there too.

Rainybo · 19/06/2017 14:25

My parents are still together, but I wish they had split up. Even now when I see them I revert to peace keeper and I feel terribly sorry for both of them, especially my dad who is now pretty ground down and unhappy. I also watched my grandparents do it, so it does get passed down.

I ended my unhappy marriage because I couldn't bear to carry on the cycle. The relationship modelling I had led me to put up with a lot and minimise myself (like my dad). It was terribly hard though, to leave.

I'm not sure if my children are happier as I don't know how it could have turned out if I hadn't left. Last night, DD told me I don't do as much fun stuff with her as exH and that really hurt and I still carry a lot of guilt around. However, I do hope that I have broken the chain.

I am definitely happier. Infinitely so with my new DP Smile

I just don't think it's a black and white, one size fits all situation.

PinkPeppers · 19/06/2017 14:26

Re your mum for example, what is telling you that the fact she looked like the bad guy didn't have a lot of do with the way your dad was behaving? And that, if she had been single, she would have been behaving in a totally different way, because she wouldn't be as stressed for example?

I'm also curious to know why you think your own dcs would be put in an impossible situation. Why?

SomeKnobend · 19/06/2017 14:30

Perhaps if your parents hadn't stayed in their bad marriage, you'd have been better able to recognise what's acceptable in a relationship, and felt better able to insist on a kind and loving relationship or leave?

Queenofthestress · 19/06/2017 14:32

My DC are happier now that me and exdp split, you can tell the difference in DS a couple days later, he's a completely changed little boy

Enb76 · 19/06/2017 14:35

I think it depends on the marriage. I often think that men are less likely to leave a marriage purely because they, in general, lose the children or have access to them in less than perfect circumstances. Men leave when they've found another household. Women on the other hand often retain the family home, get maintenance (in normal circumstances) and retain majority share in the children. For some men, remaining in a bad marriage is better than the alternative, for women the opposite is true.

BitchQueen90 · 19/06/2017 14:38

Me and my ExH are divorced. We get on better than we did when we were together. No animosity between us at all. DS is a happy child and I doubt he would have been happy in a house where his parents wanted nothing to do with each other.

brasty · 19/06/2017 14:40

I don't know anyone who leaves a marriage lightly, except certain kinds of celebrities. Everyone I know who has divorced has stayed in their marriage way too long, especially when there are children. And I have seen the impact of that.

NothingRhymesWithOrange · 19/06/2017 14:42

What Barbed said. I grew up tense and frightened and with a feeling that all their arguments were my fault.

I've had chronic severe depression since I was a child (suicidal at 12), which wasn't treated until I left home because I had no-one to talk to about how I felt. It took decades of counselling to break the unhealthy thinking I'd adopted.

Please don't underestimate the massive effect of a safe calm home environment.