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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's possible for more damage to be done by ending a marriage

68 replies

clearwaters · 19/06/2017 13:44

It's possible really for more damage to be done by leaving, isn't it? Or is it?

My parents marriage wasn't perfect but I always thought my dad was a God and my mum was the bad guy and I didn't understand a lot of the time my dad wasn't fair or kind to my mum.

So I suppose what I'm saying is if they'd split I wouldn't necessarily have been happier with my mum.

Same in my own marriage now. I feel like if we were to separate it would put the children in an impossible position.

Or AIBU?

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 19/06/2017 16:58

Your kids get to see you choosing happiness, which is a really powerful thing.

JacquesHammer · 19/06/2017 17:00

Ex-H and I separated (and now divorced) made the decision to end our marriage before it got to the stage we no longer liked, respected or loved each other.

We both loved each other very much - but our relationship (for various reasons) had become that of siblings, or housemates rather than loving partners. We decided we both wanted more and made the decision to end our marriage.

We co-parent fully, we see each other regularly (going out in various combinations). Ex-H is about to marry again to a lovely woman, far better suited to him than I ever was. I have a casual partner whom I am very happy with.

DD is happy, well adjusted and knows she has two parents who adore her, a fabulous step-mum and two loving homes.

It was probably unconventional what we did, but we never regret it for a second.

BrieAndChilli · 19/06/2017 17:14

I don't think people should stay in terrible marriages (e.g. Abuse, financial control etc) but I do think people nowadays think that marriage should be roses and fun 100% of the time and the minute they hit a bump they give up or think the grass is greener elsewhere.
There's been a few times when me and DH could have split over the years but having both come from parents who split when we were kids we knew we didn't want that for ours so worked at it and are mostly happy (nothing a few more £s wouldn't fix)
I do feel that my responsibility is to my kids to provide them with a stable happy home (which in some people's cases will be to split) and that overrides my occasional disire for a more exciting life.

Original poster

clearwaters · 19/06/2017 17:24

I ageee with you deffon

I think in my heart of hearts I know it's better for parents to stay together regardless of own feelings

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 19/06/2017 17:28

It would be a cold day in hell before I would walk out or deprive DC of their father and DH is the same

I don't necessarily think this is a helpful assumption though? DD isn't deprived of her father or me - we just live in different houses. She has two happy, stable homes.

BUT I add the caveat that there's been no custody battles, no protracted wrangling no unpleasantness in the slightest. Ex and I remain the best of friends.

jelliebelly · 19/06/2017 17:30

Have you considered how your parents example has affected your view of relationships? You don't have a template for what a good relationship looks like and neither will your children.

Original poster

clearwaters · 19/06/2017 17:36

I know jellie but my parents didn't really talk to us about their marriage. And they really did love each other. Maybe is was good. I don't know.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 19/06/2017 18:19

Its not better for parents to stay together, it better for children to grow up in a safe secure environment, ideally that would be two parents together but where there are issues (and I think from this thread and another of yours you do have them) around respect and boundaries between parents its not.

My grandparents had a toxic marriage (both responsible) that was hard for everyone to see. Now she is a widow you can see the real her come out and its so sad we never go to see that before

Original poster

clearwaters · 19/06/2017 19:35

I should have left years ago, I know that now

OP posts:

n0ne · 19/06/2017 20:07

My parents splitting up was the best thing that could have happened to us. They managed to remain friends over the years which they certainly wouldn't have had they stayed together. So we had Christmasses, birthdays and even holidays together, right up until my Dad died a few years ago. They'd been divorced by that point for 30-odd years!

Not having to live with the tension, fights and abuse on both sides was bliss. I felt like I gained a proper relationship with both my parents that was lacking when they were together, as there was too much background noise then.

harderandharder2breathe · 19/06/2017 20:18

My parents stayed together for years after they should've split. I can't say it was a good decision to do so (for them or for me and my sister). Splitting up was the best thing they did and should've done it far earlier

Quartz2208 · 20/06/2017 11:04

Its not too late. My Mum worshipped her Dad but she is getting to see a different side to her mother without him

Original poster

clearwaters · 20/06/2017 13:20

The problem is realistically neither of us are adequate parents.

We both try but the children shouldn't be left with either of us

OP posts:

Eolian · 20/06/2017 13:25

Nobody should stay in a miserable or destructive marriage on the grounds that their children will find the divorce difficult. Children need to see that adults can make good choices and can reject abusive or traumatic relationships, otherwise they may well end up making the same mistakes when they grow up.

Quartz2208 · 20/06/2017 13:31

What on earth makes you think that you are not an adequate parent?

You might be surprised if you do leave that those feelings of inadequacy came from the relationship and not fact

Original poster

clearwaters · 20/06/2017 14:01

I need to think about what's best. It's the least worst option.

OP posts:

nigelsbigface · 20/06/2017 14:21

I'm pretty sure my dd's would be happier if their dad and I were together. I wouldn't be but they would.
They were very surprised when we split up and hadn't seen us argue at all-we did a good job of putting on a front for them. What has happened since has been pretty awful (finding out he had been having an affair with my best friend for a year and half before he left). we have still only ever had a handful of arguments in front of them but they are definitely now aware that there is tension ( as well as the arguments they have worked that out for themselves due to who he is now with, how our social lives have changed etc.They have been very upset by the whole thing and will continue to be I would imagine as the situation carries on in whatever ways it does-there are other kids-their friends-involved-it's very messy). It makes them more unhappy than they will admit to I think and I am trying very hard to minimise the impact on them.
Sometimes I fail at that I'm
Sure as I'm not really ok myself still all the time.
I don't think it's a good idea to stay for the kids in all circumstances-but maybe in some, where the marriage isn't awful but just dull or whatever-in all honesty it probably could
Be better for the kids. If I'd known the full horror of what was about to unfold I would, given the choice, have stayed in the marriage and just got on with it, to spare them from it.

SeaEagleFeather · 20/06/2017 16:14

One size answers don't fit all situations.

I think that people saying that it's better to split up and model a happy relationship with a subsequent partner are assuming that everyone -can- find another partner. It isn't always so.

A happy marriage is always going to be better for the children, of course and actual outright abuse in a marriage is a clear indication to split.

But ending middling marriages can be disastrous for individual children who happen to need a lot of stability, especially if that means having to move to a different and maybe worse area. On the other hand some children can cope better with the change and a split is better for them.

I think if you're thinking what's best for the children, splitting or staying, you need to take into account their individual natures, what the split will be like and how you'll handle it, finances and the likely futures for all of you.

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