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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wibu to ask mil to stop harping on about social housing?

58 replies

pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:29

We're currently living with my husband's parents after the death of my mum and us both being made redundant.

We got on the local housing register and were placed in a band c. We've had issues with fil taking over and trying to control our routine with dd. It's really affected me and has increased my panic attacks making them an almost daily thing.

I spoke to my new health visitor who wrote to the council and she also referred us to a local charity who wrote a letter to appeal our banding. This has had no sway with the council and we are to stay in this banding.

My husband has a job interview tomorrow that he is quite hopeful for and we have been discussing between ourselves about increasing our contribution to their bills. But, we have also decided that it is probably a good idea to save as much as possible for us to go into private rented asap.

Mil keeps harping on that there's no point in us going into private rented as we would never stand a chance at a council house then. And that if we can hang on for a council house we will be made. I keep telling her that in our current banding it could take us years and she says we can stay with them for as long as it takes. And she actually gets annoyed that we don't want to wait for a council house.

We need our own space asap as I'm really struggling. I don't feel like I can get a proper routine in place for dd and often feel like their wants have to come before my wishes as a parent just because we appreciate them keeping a roof over our heads.

How on earth do I get her to drop this? Social housing isn't a viable option for us and she just doesn't seem to get it

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 19:27

I think it stems from my mum being stuck in private rented and being charged extortionate amounts each month that she had to fight the lha for (almost 3 figures for a 3 bedroom with adaptations that the council paid for for her), because there was just no suitable council houses for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 19/06/2017 11:54

We've had it again this morning.

I tried explaining that the houses we're bidding on this week there have been 46 bidders and we're 35-40 on the list. So near enough bottom of the pile. We are not going to get anywhere soon.

She still thinks we should wait for a council house and seemed to just ignore what I was saying.

OP posts:
noenergy · 19/06/2017 12:05

Don't discuss with her, just nod or agree. Arguing with her will get u no where. Find a place then let them know when all sorted. It will do wonders for ur Mental health and general wellbeing and for ur family routine.

Don't wait to be allocated a house u won't b getting one anytime soon.

PGOAT · 19/06/2017 12:14

At this point why are you even discussing this with your MIL at all?

pipsqueak25 · 19/06/2017 12:16

how old is dd ? not sure her 'getting into a routine' is the main thing here tbh, i'd be more concerned about your mental health and sorting that out, as others have said don't engage too much with mil, she wants dgd staying put, you and dh are secondary, you need to get saving and get into private renting, majority of renters cope so can you.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 19/06/2017 12:16

My husband started it this morning as he was checking that I'd bid on any suitable properties ad the bidding period closes tomorrow. So I said about the two I've bid on and where in the list we were. We went through to the kitchen as I was making dd's breakfast and I said that we would need to carry on with our plan to save and then find somewhere and that's when she jumped in (from the front room I might add).

This is a lot of what I struggle with as I could be having a conversation with my husband and they will jump in and try to control the situation. And if we want to do our own thing then they hate it.

His interview is in an hour. I'm keeping everything crossed for him

OP posts:
dingdongdigeridoo · 19/06/2017 12:17

Agree with PGOAT. Don't engage. When she starts talking about it just smile, nod, and mentally think about how long it is until you can move out.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 19/06/2017 12:18

Dd was 1 in april. So we're getting the tantrums etc and there's such a clash in our parenting styles. They always have to throw in their opinion and don't like it when we don't do what they have told us

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 19/06/2017 12:48

For some children routine is quite important. It was/is for my DD. I had plenty of family rolling eyes at me about it so I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with critical family. Hope you're doing ok OP. Thinking of you Flowers

Laiste · 19/06/2017 12:58

Let it wash over you. It's not for long. Go on with your 3/4 month plan and you'll be in your own place by xmas. Time flies by.

Try not to have convo's about your plans within earshot of your inlaws and just hum and ho if she brings it up. When the time to move comes be very grateful to them that they gave you a roof while you saved and say your cheerful goodbyes :)

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 19/06/2017 12:59

I really am trying not to engage with her on this as at the end of the day we will do what's right for our family. But when she interrupts our conversation from another room it's hard not to reply.

I'm doing ok. Well as ok as I can I think. I'm just counting down the days until we get our pushchair back as it's gone in for repair and I refused the loan pushchair that mothercare offered us (it was absolutely revolting and had the same fault that ours has been sent in for).

OP posts:
delilah245 · 19/06/2017 13:11

Let her have her opinion as annoying as that is. You can't control her and she also cannot control you moving out. Haha unsolicited advice is almost never wanted, but it's their right to say what they like... it's also your right to ignore and carry on as stressful as that can be!

GreenTulips · 19/06/2017 13:13

Does DH chip in 'well it's not your choice' or 'this is what we want' etc

And cut her short

ohfourfoxache · 19/06/2017 13:18

How did the interview go? Do you know when he'll hear back?

Please try not to discuss anything at all where she could potentially hear. Can you perhaps save it for when you get to bed and be totally out of earshot?

RandomMess · 19/06/2017 13:25

I hope DH got on well.

I was wondering if you nodding your head and giving non-committal responses to MIL may actually calm things down. If your DH is in agreement about moving out just quietly save and don't say anything then present it as done deal once the contract is signed!

I would stick to a few stock phrases regarding your DD for the issues that really matter (bearing in mind you will hopefully be gone in a few months). I just wonder the more you present the valid arguments the more she digs her heels in and has the need to try to brow beat you into submitting to what she wants?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 19/06/2017 13:30

Yes he says that we need our own space and this is the way that we want to do it.

I'll have a quiet word with him tonight about saving these sorts of conversations for when we go to bed at night to try and minimise any conflict.

His interview was meant to start at 13.15. So depending on how long it takes it won't be too long before he's back as the office is only 10 minutes away at the most. He's hoping to hear fairly soon as he's under the impression that they need someone to start this week.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/06/2017 13:36

Fingers crossed!

Can I also suggest some noisy sex in the hope that the ILs decide they would rather you leave GrinWink you are clearly too nice to house share with...

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 19/06/2017 13:40

Grin I spat my drink out laughing at that suggestion RandomMess

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/06/2017 13:52

In desperate times...

superfluffyanimal · 19/06/2017 14:04

Thisarmingman there isn't the option for every family in the UK to have social housing so of course families have to look at private rent Confused

thecatsarecrazy · 19/06/2017 14:22

We were on band c due to lacking a bedroom. We were on the list just under a year before being offered a house.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 19/06/2017 14:56

He's back from the interview. He said it went well. Though he is sceptic about potentially being offered it as our luck has been so rubbish lately. He's hoping to hear back either later today or tomorrow one way or another

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 19/06/2017 15:32

He didn't get it Sad

He's trying not to let it get him down but he is disappointed

OP posts:
annandale · 19/06/2017 20:03

Has he had feedback? Has he written to them ( writing and a call) to say he really enjoyed the interview and would be very interested in any other opportunities? I know a lot of people who have got work that way.

Thisarmingman · 22/06/2017 13:45

Sorry about your dh not getting the job. Next time!

Superfluffy the lack of social housing isn't the ops responsibility. I know that lots of families rent privately but they really shouldn't have to. It is insecure and expensive. The op is living in temporary accommodation, has a dependent child and doesn't have deposit funds. I'd say that puts her in housing need.