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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wibu to ask mil to stop harping on about social housing?

58 replies

pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:29

We're currently living with my husband's parents after the death of my mum and us both being made redundant.

We got on the local housing register and were placed in a band c. We've had issues with fil taking over and trying to control our routine with dd. It's really affected me and has increased my panic attacks making them an almost daily thing.

I spoke to my new health visitor who wrote to the council and she also referred us to a local charity who wrote a letter to appeal our banding. This has had no sway with the council and we are to stay in this banding.

My husband has a job interview tomorrow that he is quite hopeful for and we have been discussing between ourselves about increasing our contribution to their bills. But, we have also decided that it is probably a good idea to save as much as possible for us to go into private rented asap.

Mil keeps harping on that there's no point in us going into private rented as we would never stand a chance at a council house then. And that if we can hang on for a council house we will be made. I keep telling her that in our current banding it could take us years and she says we can stay with them for as long as it takes. And she actually gets annoyed that we don't want to wait for a council house.

We need our own space asap as I'm really struggling. I don't feel like I can get a proper routine in place for dd and often feel like their wants have to come before my wishes as a parent just because we appreciate them keeping a roof over our heads.

How on earth do I get her to drop this? Social housing isn't a viable option for us and she just doesn't seem to get it

OP posts:
nancy75 · 18/06/2017 17:31

If they throw you out don't you become homeless & then move up quite far in the banding?

Birdsgottaf1y · 18/06/2017 17:32

I'd be honest, or get your DP to speak to her and his Father.

arbrighton · 18/06/2017 17:32

Nod, smile, get on with saving for your rental deposit

BabyHamster · 18/06/2017 17:34

Sounds like a tough situation OP.

Honestly I don't think you can get them to drop it. Just wait until you've got a place lined up, then tell them politely that you're moving out and when they tell you you're doing the wrong thing you'll just have to firmly say "we feel it's the right choice for us". And repeat and repeat and repeat.

Good luck Flowers

chaz777 · 18/06/2017 17:34

It sounds like your having a really stressful time of it. You need to do what's best for your family, in your opinion. Yes, it would be great if you had the opportunity to move into council accommodation but the waiting list are so long that it could be years. If you privately rent you will be able to choose where you live and try and find your feet again. X Yes, I'm sure your family will out there two pence in but it's not happening to them, it's happening to you x

listsandbudgets · 18/06/2017 17:36

Nacy is right but that means you would have to go down the homeless route which could mean a longish stay in B and B or hostel or if youre lucky temporary house or flat while they assess your claim and you wait for something else. Band C puts you at a fairly low priority and in some areas pretty well means that the council are highly unlikely to house you. I know someone in our area who has been band c for 8 years now woth no offers

Batteriesallgone · 18/06/2017 17:36

Don't talk about it until you have the money saved and have found somewhere. Then tell them.

However, if you have money spare you should be contributing a fair share to their bills. Even if that delays you saving a deposit.

GreenTulips · 18/06/2017 17:39

Would your banding increase if you were a single parent?

Did you ask what the wait is like?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:39

Chaz777 that's part of the appeal with private renting. That we will be able to have more of a say over where we end up

OP posts:
LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 18/06/2017 17:39

You've got no chance of getting anywhere on a band c at least not where I am.

Their opinion on whether you wait it out for a council place or go private instead is not their business so I wouldn't pay your MILs opinion on the matter any mind.

As for them kicking you out making you homeless I don't think it's as straightforward as that anymore. My mum did that when I was a single mum of 1 but that was 8 years ago the housing crisis such as it is now it's probably not so straightforward. Hope you find a home soon OP. Living with parents/in laws when you're an adult and parent yourself is hard.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:41

Batteriesallgone we already buy all of our own food and contribute what we can at the moment. If my husband gets this job then we will obviously increase what we contribute

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 18/06/2017 17:43

Sorry yes I wasn't implying anything bad, just that it will be a hard decision to put more towards their bills if you are also saving for a rent deposit Sad

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:43

I'm really not keen on us going down the homeless route because I know we would end up in one of the really dodgy areas round here (think multiple police reports a month for disturbances, burglaries and sexual offences). And definitely not somewhere that I would want to raise dd

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:45

Batteriesallgone that's ok. I misunderstood the tone

OP posts:
dingdongdigeridoo · 18/06/2017 17:47

Sounds like a nightmare. As crap as private renting is, I'd rather do that than live under the in-laws thumb.

How about housing associations? A friend of mine was on the housing register for years, and eventually got a flat through an intermediate rent scheme. It meant she wasn't paying outrageous private rents and got a bit more security.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:51

All of the housing associations around here are run through the council unfortunately

OP posts:
annandale · 18/06/2017 17:52

What a hard time for you all. I really hope your dh gets the job. How long do you think it will take you to save for a deposit?

I would just change the subject and bide your time. At least it's the summer so you can be out a lot (or is it too hot?) I think sitting on the council list at that banding sounds pointless and as you say at least you can choose your area, school catchment etc more.

Thisarmingman · 18/06/2017 17:54

Can you speak to CAB about your banding? If you are staying with the in laws on a temporary basis you surely should be higher than that. Your mil has a point about private renting - it's an insecure ripoff and unless you're going to be in a position to buy in the next few years I wouldn't advise anyone with a family to do it.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:56

It's so hot. But I have been trying to get out with dd as much as possible. And my husband says if I can drop him off at work I can have the car on whichever days I want.

I think we could feasibly have the deposit sorted within 3 months. We have all the furniture we need in storage so other than the first month up front and deposit we don't need to save for anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 17:58

If the health visitor and local charity haven't been able to help I really doubt that cab would be able to help increase our banding

OP posts:
annandale · 18/06/2017 18:03

Oh three months isn't bad - light at the end of the tunnel. At least you won't have to pay for storage either.

Thisarmingman · 18/06/2017 18:05

That's true. I'm just amazed that someone staying somewhere on a temporary basis isn't given more priority.

Have you spoken to the council about help with private renting? Ours do a no bond scheme where they guarantee a bond to a landlord. They also have lists of landlords that don't charge over LHA. If yours can help in a similar way you'd be out sooner.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 18:08

Thisarmingman thank you, I'll have a look into that and see if they have any recommendations

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/06/2017 18:35

In all honesty if we had the means of paying a deposit and still hung on for social housing I would be disgusted in myself. In my eyes that housing is there for people who need it, not people who want it.

So mil is likely to go in a strop with us when we find somewhere. But this is the right thing for our family. We need our own space. We need to get our dd into a proper routine. We need to not have people pushing their parenting beliefs on us just because we currently live in their house.

OP posts:
Thisarmingman · 18/06/2017 19:21

Of course you have to do what you feel is right. I personally think that social housing is for everyone and no families should be in private rented but if you wouldn't be comfortable then it's not for you.

I totally get that you need your own space - it's very tricky to run a household when you're in another household particularly when you say your pils aren't shy about giving their views on your life and parenting decisions.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and Flowers for the loss of your mum. I hope things improve for you very soon.