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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think i can keep my termination a secret

89 replies

bluedrinkstwo · 18/06/2017 14:47

I tested a day ago and I'm pregnant, I have an almost 4 month old baby. My fiancé doesn't know but caught me googling abortions and is a bit off with me now
I was suppose to test with him and I've already done it so I feel guilty enough. Can I just go ahead and do it on my own now anyway
I'm a bit worried about the effect this will have on my head though. I tend to over think things and can get down very easily
I don't know what to do

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 18/06/2017 20:22

Oh so now men are bastards if they have an opinion about a pregnancy which doesn't immediately tally with their partners.

Yes. Always have been. No uterus, no opinion. Why does this surprise you so much?

Men don't get to decide over women's bodies. End of discussion.

If a man doesn't like abortions, he shouldn't have penis-in-vagina sex with a woman when she hasn't told him she wants to get pregant. Easy as that.

My sister had a termination behind her partner's back (they already had an 8 year old and a 5 year old) because she knew he was very anti-abortion.

Good for her, though I'd have advised her to not have children with such a man in the first place.

Iwantawhittyusername · 18/06/2017 20:28

I've had an abortion.

I regret telling my exp I was pregnant before I knew what I wanted to do. Instead of supporting me through it, the pregnancy caused arguments, constant arguments. This is a man I thought was a good man. I know now he is not and he showed his true colours during that time.

If you don't want to tell your partner, don't, whatever you do, you need to be 100% sure in your choice to terminate or not, before you decide whether or not to tell him.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2017 20:29

As Vestal Virgin said.

BarbarianMum · 18/06/2017 20:29

Bullshit Vestal There is a huge difference in having an opinion and deciding on whether the pregnancy continues or not. Of course men shouldn't get the cadting vote but in a loving partnership it is entirely reasonable for their opinion to be part of the decision making process.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/06/2017 20:29

Good for her, though I'd have advised her to not have children with such a man in the first place.

He'd already talked her into keeping the second baby and she wasn't going to let him do the same again. He was an arsehole and thankfully they aren't together anymore anyway

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/06/2017 20:33

I'm hoping first thing on your list tomorrow is to go and book an appointment with Marie Stopes - even just to talk through options. Or if there is no clinic nearby, than to make appointment with your GP.
You can keep it secret, but I would ensure your privacy settings are on for any searches. I would also be clear when seeking help that you don't feel you have support at home.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 18/06/2017 20:55

Of course you should tell him. You are in a serious relationship and he has a right to know.
That''s a seperate issue to the abortion. You have every right to have one. It's up to him if he thinks this is a deal breaker for him ( and if it is I wouldn't want to be with him anyway).
Do what's right for you but I do think if he's your fiancé you shouldn't have secrets. That's what trust is.

Flamingoprincess1212 · 18/06/2017 21:00

Op. I urge you to speak to your partner, or call up Marie stopes or BPAS for counselling/ support.

Also don't call yourself evil re the alcopop. I had a small glass of champagne the day I found out I was pregnant. (It was my birthday, and we were having dinner with 5874 members of my family and everyone wanted me to have drink on them, luckily I drove as we told people DP was on medicine that made him drowsy. )

Whatever you do remember there are people here for you.

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 18/06/2017 21:01

iwantawitty Hang on! Your man showed his " true colours" because you told him and you think that's a bad thing?
Living with a good man who is actually too much of a knob to support you when you need it most? How could you think not telling and keeping the status quo is better?

DixieFlatline · 18/06/2017 21:03

Of course you should tell him. You are in a serious relationship and he has a right to know.

No he does not.

I do think if he's your fiancé you shouldn't have secrets. That's what trust is.

Utterly irrelevant to throw in 'trust' when talking about a man the OP doesn't trust to be supportive.

babybell89 · 18/06/2017 21:07

I think your underestimating the grieving process of a termination and the process plus possible complications.

In my opinion you should tell him x

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 18/06/2017 21:11

Well at least she would know before she married him.

Lying is shit especially if you are doing it because you are scared of fallout. If you don't trust your partner enough to tell him you want an abortion then what actually is the point of thick and thin, better and worse?

Dizzybacon · 18/06/2017 21:18

Yes you can do it without telling anyone. If you're serious about this and it's what you want, you may find it's not that difficult keeping it a secret.

I had a termination 20 years ago at about 13 weeks. To this day only me and the doctor know about it. I didn't tell him OH ( not together now) family or freinds. I have my reasons. Yes it was mentally tough not telling anyone but it was the right decision for me and i got through it

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/06/2017 21:18

Not everyone grieves after having an abortion. It's perfectly possible to feel relief and then move on. Complications are unlikely for an early termination.

Iwantawhittyusername · 18/06/2017 21:28

raspberries no he didn't show his true colours because I told him, he showed his true colours during the time I was pregnant.

I regret telling him before I knew what I wanted. I am absolutely not telling the OP whether she should tell him or keep it a secret, I'm saying she needs to be sure in what she wants before she tells him, if she tells him.

OP this is such a difficult situation to find yourself in, my heart goes out to you.

Flamingoprincess1212 · 18/06/2017 21:29

I think when mentioning the grieving proxess and support
We are a forgetting everyone grieves differently and b implying that the op should do this with no support at all

Ultimately the descision lies with the OP, not her partner or her doctor or us.

She is the most important person and and only she can make this decision.

peachgreen · 18/06/2017 22:03

In your situation I would want to tell my partner because if he reacted negatively then I'd know I wouldn't want to be with him.

Ultimately it's your decision and yours alone. But I couldn't live with that kind of secret.

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 18/06/2017 22:09

Iwantawhitty - sorry - when you opened with I had a termination I thought you were talking about the pregnancy with the "true colours" guy. So you only went through with the pregnancy because he told you to?

I think Op has decided she doesn't want to be pregnant. I think she should tell her partner that. I wouldn't want my partner doing stuff behind my back because he thought I would be upset.if I knew.

whatsagoodusername · 18/06/2017 22:15

if and when I wanted to be pregnant I wanted it to be this happy occasion where we both jumped around like idiots being so happy and it's just not like that

I found out I was pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was four months old. I bawled. It was scary and distressing. I did the test on my own, because DH told me to just do it so I could stop stressing about possibly being pregnant.

I didn't terminate, had two babies just under 13 months apart. I never in a million years would have planned it. I am sad sometimes finding out I was pregnant wasn't happy. But it is what it is. Five years in, it's great, but the baby years are very hard.

I'd say take a few days to think over what you want to do. There's nothing wrong with choosing to terminate if that's what you feel is best for you. If you do decide to terminate, and your partner is supportive, try to talk to him because the support will probably be needed.

twattymctwatterson · 18/06/2017 22:25

OP this is absolutely your decision, but there's something wrong in your relationship if you can't go to your partner with this

howtopickausername · 18/06/2017 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatFuckability · 18/06/2017 23:22

I had a termination where I needed to stay in hospital for 2 days and was really poorly after for at least 2 weeks. I walked to my local shop a week after (about 3 mins from my house) and passed out. So, yes you can keep it secret but be aware sometimes its not something you can physically get over quickly.

LiveLongAndProspero · 18/06/2017 23:24

If he already thinks you might be pregnant and he saw you googling abortions, no, its not likely you can keep it secret.

PlaymobilPirate · 18/06/2017 23:31

Is he your 4 month olds dad? Honestly, I'd say that if you're in a relationship and you say he's great then I'd tell him. You might need to rely on him to support you

PookieDo · 18/06/2017 23:58

I will be honest I went alone a few years ago, told no one, got it done alone with no anaesthetic and drove home afterwards.

I then did tell my friend later on and she was angry i never told her and let her come with me but it was already all done

Your body your choice. I would never ever judge a woman on this not even my own daughter.

FOR me personally it was not great physically but it was pretty fast and I was so sure I didn't want the pregnancy (without the father) that I will never regret it and that helped me mentally and emotionally manage it. The clinic didn't question me too far on me being alone but you only have option - non sedation surgical. You have to have someone without your for the others. So this is a big choice to make too

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