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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i can keep my termination a secret

89 replies

bluedrinkstwo · 18/06/2017 14:47

I tested a day ago and I'm pregnant, I have an almost 4 month old baby. My fiancé doesn't know but caught me googling abortions and is a bit off with me now
I was suppose to test with him and I've already done it so I feel guilty enough. Can I just go ahead and do it on my own now anyway
I'm a bit worried about the effect this will have on my head though. I tend to over think things and can get down very easily
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Slimthistime · 18/06/2017 15:17

So you're worried he will want you to have it? I wouldn't tell him either if that's a risk.

PacificDogwod · 18/06/2017 15:17

You need help to clarify your head.

It is possible to terminate a pregnancy and not disclose it to anybody, but reading your posts I think you'd struggle and likely so would your relationship.
You do not need your partner's approval for a termination, but surely his support would be welcome? After all, he was part of making this pregnancy even though you are left to deal with it now.

clearwaters · 18/06/2017 15:19

OK people

Clearly no one decides they just can't be arsed telling their partner about an abortion.

However, let's be honest, some people don't have a clue about pregnancy. They think 'aw, a baby, how nice.' They don't take into account sickness and getting fat and exhaustion and months away from work.

And unless op is very unusual she'll be the one doing the majority of the childcare.

So if you've got a partner who isn't pro choice (and a lot of people aren't, on MN) and you think you'll be pressured into keeping it - or you think he will fling it in your face after arguments - yes. It might be better just keeping it quiet.

JeffVadersMum · 18/06/2017 15:24

Clearly the OP is worried about how she will feel making the choice she wants to make about her own body if she tells him before she goes and makes that choice.

How he feels about it if he ever happens to find out is rather far further down the list of importance, don't you think?

Obviously op must do what she feels is right, but if he finds out she has terminated after the event , then it could irretrievably ruin their relationship.

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone I couldn't talk about something that would affect both of us so much. I know each person is different and not all relationships are the same but surely this is something you should be able to talk about and get support from each other?

SaS2014 · 18/06/2017 15:24

Its absolutely your right to chose whether or not to continue the pregnancy. And for the wider world you should never have to justify your decision. But it is his baby also so I feel he has a right to know.

If you are in the type of relationship where you cannot be open and honest then seems like it's not the right relationship at all!

Iris65 · 18/06/2017 15:25

When I say discuss it with him I should add that what you decide is your choice. It is your body.

JeffVadersMum · 18/06/2017 15:26

Ok - whatever you choose to do, follow your heart Flowers and do what feels right to you. No one else can make your decision. If you feel you cannot tell him, you should also consider if you should be with him

This could be a 'one moment in time' one difference, but could equally be a devastating event to him

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2017 15:30

No right now this is not 'his baby as much as yours'.

It is a pregnancy and the decision is yours alone whether you wish to proceed with it.

As a part of that, you have EVERY RIGHT not to discuss it with your partner at ALL if you think that the end result of that discussion will be you being pressured into keeping it/being punished for aborting.

Yes, folk have a very good point saying that if you can't talk to him about it, then you're with the wrong person/the relationship isn't a goer anyway. But that isn't because you're a poor partner for not discussing it. No, it would be because he'd be a pretty poor partner for not supporting you.

Yes you have the right to make this decision.
Yes you have the right to tell absolutely no-one, as there is NO-ONE whose opinion matters here except yours.
Yes you probably should rethink your relationship if you're with a man who won't support your right to choose or would be enough of a bastard to use a termination against you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

purplecoathanger · 18/06/2017 15:32

Just do what's best for you. You are not obliged to tell a single person, including your DP. If you don't want him to know don't tell him. Don't be swayed by anyone on here saying you should tell him. It's up to you.

There is no way he can find out as medical information is completely confidential.

clearwaters · 18/06/2017 15:38

It doesn't even need to go on your records, mine wasn't

Doobigetta · 18/06/2017 15:44

Your body, your decision in every way, OP. You're doing nothing wrong and NOBODY, NOBODY has the right to any input. Hope you can get all this out of the way and go back to enjoying life with your new family very soon Flowers

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/06/2017 15:46

"Just do what's best for you. You are not obliged to tell a single person, including your DP. If you don't want him to know don't tell him. Don't be swayed by anyone on here saying you should tell him. It's up to you.

There is no way he can find out as medical information is completely confidential."

^^ Totally agree with this. Not telling your partner doesn't have to be about fearing his reaction. I also don't think that wanting to keep it secret means that there's inevitably a problem in the relationship.

DixieFlatline · 18/06/2017 15:50

Obviously op must do what she feels is right, but if he finds out she has terminated after the event , then it could irretrievably ruin their relationship.

That sounds infinitely better than being coerced into continuing a pregnancy and having a child I didn't want.

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone I couldn't talk about something that would affect both of us so much. I know each person is different and not all relationships are the same but surely this is something you should be able to talk about and get support from each other?

Yes, I agree. But as Fizzy says, that is not relevant to the issue of whether she should talk to her partner. It is relevant only to how she should view what she has learned of his attitude and whether she should continue her relationship with him.

CheeseGirl4 · 18/06/2017 16:28

I've had a termination, from a purely practical point of view it would be difficult to keep it secret from someone you live with. Firstly you'll need someone to look after your baby whilst you're at the clinic, and will need someone to collect you (you cannot drive and they're reluctant to let you leave without someone to look after you). Afterwards I was very nauseous, tired and in pain for 48 hours, and bleeding of course.

I can understand your worry about telling your partner, but do consider it.

Original poster
bluedrinkstwo · 18/06/2017 16:48

My partner is the best, I know I can turn to him but I just don't want to Confused I don't think he agrees with terminating, his ex done it apparently and he still feels cut up about it
He came to me and said I seen what you were googling am I correct to assume you're pregnant and I got scared and said no Confused if and when I wanted to be pregnant I wanted it to be this happy occasion where we both jumped around like idiots being so happy and it's just not like that

OP posts:
deltapsi · 18/06/2017 18:52

Op I hope you are ok you can pm me if you need to talk

DixieFlatline · 18/06/2017 18:57

I'm sorry, but he really can't be 'the best' if you're scared to tell him the truth when directly questioned, for fear that he won't support you to make whatever decision is best for you, without making the situation about himself.

caffeinestream · 18/06/2017 18:59

Of course you CAN do it on your own, but I do think it will destroy your relationship if he ever finds out.

Practically - how are you going to do it? Who is going to look after your baby, take you to the clinic, look after you afterwards? How are you going to explain the exhaustion, the nausea, the pain and the bleeding afterwards?

Emotionally - are you really happy to do it without his support? If you tell your mum/a friend, you're asking them to keep a massive secret from your partner - and the fallout if he finds out is going to be massive. He already knows you've been googling abortion - so the idea is already going to be in his head.

You've already lied to him, please consider coming clean before this goes any further and you do some real damage to your relationship. I think most men would (rightly) be furious if their partner aborted their child with no concern for them, their feelings or their opinions. Yes, at the end of the day it's your choice, but I think doing it behind his back is a big mistake.

Good luck.

DixieFlatline · 18/06/2017 19:04

I think most men would (rightly) be furious if their partner aborted their child with no concern for them, their feelings or their opinions.

In that case, most men are selfish, egotistical twats and I'm glad my DH is nothing like them. But I suspect you're wrong.

laurelstar · 18/06/2017 19:10

You have to be honest with him.

WinifredAtwellsOtherPiano · 18/06/2017 19:14

I don't think you'd be morally wrong to keep it a secret, but I think it would be very difficult practically and emotionally to do it without the person you are sharing a house and a bed with finding out.

caffeinestream · 18/06/2017 19:25

In that case, most men are selfish, egotistical twats and I'm glad my DH is nothing like them. But I suspect you're wrong.

Why? Are you really saying if you were a man, you'd be happy for your partner to go ahead and abort your child, without even having the decency to tell you they were pregnant first?

This isn't a pregnancy from an affair, a ONS or with a FWB. They're in a relationship and they have a four month old. It's his business just as much as it is hers. That is not to say he has the final say or even the right to tell her she can't do it, but the decent thing is to at least tell the bloke!

BarbarianMum · 18/06/2017 19:27

Oh so now men are bastards if they have an opinion about a pregnancy which doesn't immediately tally with their partners. Right-o. Hmm

DixieFlatline · 18/06/2017 20:01

Are you really saying if you were a man, you'd be happy for your partner to go ahead and abort your child, without even having the decency to tell you they were pregnant first?

I'm not saying I would (or wouldn't) be 'happy', that's not what your post was about.

I certainly wouldn't be furious. And I'd be even less likely to be furious specifically that my feelings and opinions weren't taken into consideration. Because what a woman chooses to let happen to her own body would not be about me, my feelings and my opinions. And that would be even more important to remember if she was struggling to make the right decision for her without feeling the need to people-please, to her own detriment. And I think you'd have to be an arsehole to not get that, and not even try to get that.

Oh so now men are bastards if they have an opinion about a pregnancy which doesn't immediately tally with their partners. Right-o.

It's like you've quoted me word-for-word, BarbarianMum. Or not.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/06/2017 20:11

If you don't want this baby but feel your OH will talk you in to it then go ahead and terminate without his knowledge.

My sister had a termination behind her partner's back (they already had an 8 year old and a 5 year old) because she knew he was very anti-abortion.