Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One that got away sent me a friend request

73 replies

samegamedifferentname · 17/06/2017 20:42

(Before I start, I know, I know, it's such a cliche to harp on about 'the one that got away'.)

This man, G, was one of my best friends during university. I had feelings for him literally ever since I met him. He had a lot of issues - difficult past meaning he was very closed off at times, could take his anger out on me (not through violence or abuse, I should add) and didn't like talking about anything even slightly emotional (on the rare occasions he did he would go icy cold on me for days after). However we had more in common than anyone I'd ever met and he was the first person I felt I could ever truly be myself around - and he said the same about me.

Just after we graduated, G finally admitted he liked me too. We tried to be together but it really didn't work out and I think it was, to make use of another cliche, a case of 'right person, wrong time', as we were living very separate lives.

We had a horrible messy breakup and blocked each other on social media. There were a lot of unanswered questions between him and me, and I never felt like I really got closure. We didn't speak for five years, during which time we got in serious relationships (both engaged). Mine ended a few months ago.

Earlier he sent me a Facebook friend request and, after looking at his page, he's just got a job meaning he will be moving to my area. He's also single again. I have accepted the friend request and don't know what to do now.

Should I message him? Or wait for him to message me first? Will he message me?

I've thought about him every single day since we ended it. His last words to me were along the lines of he 'will always have a flame burning for me'. I badly want to speak to him and at least get closure, but not sure if I should dive straight in or wait or what? Help!

OP posts:
OohMavis · 17/06/2017 20:45

He really doesn't sound like the one that got away tbh. He sounds like the one you were well rid of.

Do you think it likely that he will have sorted his emotional shit out? Is that drama you need in your life?

NavyandWhite · 17/06/2017 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
samegamedifferentname · 17/06/2017 20:49

OohMavis - honestly, I think us splitting up when we did was the best thing that could have happened, because it made me the strong, independent woman I feel I am today.

And yet..I have never stopped thinking of him and wondering 'what if?' I think maybe he is in the same boat as me, as in he has sorted his shit out and has grown up and is ready now. Perhaps his relationship helped that.

As for drama..I don't need any more drama, and that's what scares me. But I think what scares me more is the thought that we could reconnect, and he could become a fixture of my life again, and me doing nothing would let that chance slip.

I'm so confused!

OP posts:
Original poster
samegamedifferentname · 17/06/2017 20:50

NavyandWhite - thank you, but, err..one step ahead of you, I already have Grin

I'm currently wondering if I should message him..

OP posts:
BossyBitch · 17/06/2017 20:53

The horrible, messy, not actually speaking for five years part makes me vote for 'don't message him'.

Call me a cynic but I've heard this story before, and it goes like this: You message him, you meet up, you hook up, it's heaven then hell again and, voilà!, friendly reminder of why it didn't pan out the first time round.

Take it from someone who's actually starred in this movie. Turned out that while I was indeed recently divorced he was very much still married.

NavyandWhite · 17/06/2017 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sebashocked · 17/06/2017 20:54

Wait for him to message you. I don't know how much time has passed but people do change. I'm certainly not the same person I was at university as I am now. You might still have a lot in common or you may find you actually don't really like the person each other has become.
Now you have accepted the friend request, just wait. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.
Disclaimer: I'm a bit pissed and still carry a flame for a similar experience so am probably not a reliable source of advice

crashandburnt · 17/06/2017 20:54

Message him, life is short. And if he's still mr wrong you can deal with that. Sometimes you have to be brave to get what you want and I don't see you have anything to lose if you are both single. Just keep your wits about you.

For what it's worth I went for round two with an old flame that I had been hankering after for years and it made me realise that he was a total idiot. I moved on nicely to never really (until tonight!) think of him again. Good luck.

SafeToCross · 17/06/2017 20:54

He requested, you accepted. Wait for a message, or a like or a comment, otherwise he doesn't have to show his interest.

And if you do meet, please go in with your grown up eyes, and be honest with yourself if he clearly has not moved on. First hint of drama or emotional avoidance, draw a line under it.

MrsExpo · 17/06/2017 20:57

I think you should message him. Keep it casual ... Sort of "Hi, how are you doing?" And see what happens. If he picks up the approach and suggests you meet, then at least you'll know if he's got himself together and if you still have feelings for him. You won't know till you do it and if you don't it will forever on your mind. Good luck, whatever you decide.

NameChange30 · 17/06/2017 20:58

I think you were right to accept his friend request, but don't message him!! If he wants to get back in touch, he'll message you.

It could be promising but only if he's sorted out his massive issues. And that's a very big if!

Be on your guard. I think you could get hurt all over again.

Maybe you're hoping for the closure you never got?

SaucyJack · 17/06/2017 21:02

Message him if you're emotionally dead, and you want to feel the pain of having your heart and soul trampled on to make you feel alive again.

Otherwise- don't bother, and carry on plodding along nicely as you were.

He sounds like a hiding to nothing.

Original poster
samegamedifferentname · 17/06/2017 21:05

Thank you all for comments so far!

NavyandWhite sebashocked - I've also drunk quite a bit of Prosecco so that's why I'm trying to sober up on MN (or rather, trying to stop feeling quite so tipsy, I'm sadly not properly drunk!). I like the line 'if it's meant to be, it'll be', though. Grin

crashandburnt your experience has made me think, thank you. I suppose if it goes badly, I'll know it isn't meant to be, and move on.

SafeToCross thank you. I suppose that's what I'm worried about too, that it'll set my personal development back as I'll fail to accept that the drama/emotional avoidance is an issue.

I started typing out a message there, almost sent out the damned 'thumb' by accident, bricked it and logged out Grin

OP posts:
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 17/06/2017 21:06

If it was me I would accept but would wait for him to contact me. :)

BlackberryandNettle · 17/06/2017 21:08

Message! Just a short one - hi! How's life?

Life is short, why not make the most of this opportunity? Be on your guard bit if you still hold a flame, it's at least worth a message. Years have passed and he may have matured.

I am married to 'the one that got away'. Similar story... We'd fancied each other for years, briefly got it together when living 100s of miles apart. Didn't work but we got back into touch years later, now happily married.

Original poster
samegamedifferentname · 17/06/2017 21:10

MrsExpo I badly want to message him. I have so much to say and I don't know where to begin. It's hard to find the right words but I like your advice to keep it casual. Thank you for your encouragement.

AnotherEmma Maybe you're hoping for the closure you never got? That. That's what I'm wondering. I think a part of it could be that, and that maybe if we'd ended on a more positive note, I wouldn't feel so tragic about it.

SaucyJack That sort of thing is what terrifies me - I just don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
samegamedifferentname · 17/06/2017 21:13

HCantThinkOfAUsername that's what I'm considering and what I know I really should do. But I'm too impatient! If he is going to make an effort to reach out I hope he does it soon. If not I think I will message.

BlackberryandNettle Your story has given me some hope. Currently composing another message in my head as I type..

OP posts:
zebbadeedooda · 17/06/2017 21:13

Had the same thing happen. He will message! Wait for the message. Smile

YesMilk · 17/06/2017 21:14

You're both single anyway, so what's to lose?!

You want to speak to him, just do it. Life's too short for 'what ifs' (and all that shite), if it's still a disaster then atleast you'll know.

Benedikte2 · 17/06/2017 21:15

Act casual, let him take the lead and try to suss out whether he has changed sufficiently for you to risk taking things a step further. If not back hurriedly away!
Good luck

Smellbellina · 17/06/2017 21:16

He's not the one that got away. He's the close shave. But, if you feel you need to go through the full horror to appreciate that, you will.
Best of luck

chocolatespiders · 17/06/2017 21:18

I would want him to message me. But I have a hopeless track record which is why I am sat in my knickers on a hot Saturday night watching bridget Jones eating a waitrose crossiant! Smile

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 17/06/2017 21:21

Yeah i probably would message actually but I'm impatient too haha Blush

Spookle · 17/06/2017 21:22

If the words psycho or crazy are used when he describes his ex(s) run like the wind.

Together with a couple of other things you have said it would be a massive red flag to me.

ButtMuncher · 17/06/2017 21:23

I too am a completely different person in my 30s than I was in my 20s - if someone told me I'd be settled with a 9 month old when I was 25 I would have laughed you out of the house.

However, if he's still as detached emotionally as he was back then, and in my experience men who start off like that only really get either significantly worse or have a major blowout and then 'reset', i would say steer clear. The timing of his friends request after his relationship breakdown is also quite a crucial thing - I could hint massively at an ulterior motive (aka ego boost, men who are detached emotionally quite often need boosts when they are rejected or worse).

However, you've added him and I know if I were in your position I'd be waiting to hear. I'm not going to be holier than thou - I've been there, and I'd have done the exact same thing Grin