One that got away sent me a friend request

[samegamedifferentname]

(Before I start, I know, I know, it's such a cliche to harp on about 'the one that got away'.)

This man, G, was one of my best friends during university. I had feelings for him literally ever since I met him. He had a lot of issues - difficult past meaning he was very closed off at times, could take his anger out on me (not through violence or abuse, I should add) and didn't like talking about anything even slightly emotional (on the rare occasions he did he would go icy cold on me for days after). However we had more in common than anyone I'd ever met and he was the first person I felt I could ever truly be myself around - and he said the same about me.

Just after we graduated, G finally admitted he liked me too. We tried to be together but it really didn't work out and I think it was, to make use of another cliche, a case of 'right person, wrong time', as we were living very separate lives.

We had a horrible messy breakup and blocked each other on social media. There were a lot of unanswered questions between him and me, and I never felt like I really got closure. We didn't speak for five years, during which time we got in serious relationships (both engaged). Mine ended a few months ago.

Earlier he sent me a Facebook friend request and, after looking at his page, he's just got a job meaning he will be moving to my area. He's also single again. I have accepted the friend request and don't know what to do now.

Should I message him? Or wait for him to message me first? Will he message me?

I've thought about him every single day since we ended it. His last words to me were along the lines of he 'will always have a flame burning for me'. I badly want to speak to him and at least get closure, but not sure if I should dive straight in or wait or what? Help!

Very closed off, icy anger, took his anger out on you, getting together didn't work, painful break up soon after...sounds like a very negative attachment.

Attachment is hard to break through even when you know that the other person is completely wrong for you. For whatever reason you felt connected to him but that could just mean your childhood shit matches up in a subconscious way. Which is no reason to be with someone or anywhere near them.

It sounds very intense, too intense. To have thought about someone every day but not talked for 5 years is a big RED flag. Passionate but not healthy.

Did you mean to give the impression that this guy is an emotionally closed off, angry, manipulative and controlling wanker with an added side of cheesy (keeping a flame burning for you - seriously, and you had not even the slightest urge to gag?) or was that just a subconscious slip or two..or many?

Sorry OP, I'll probably get into trouble for being negative and unsupportive but this is like one of those horror movies where you see the victim heading down the cellar steps despite the huge, flashing neon signs everywhere saying "Monster in the Cellar".There are more red flags here than in one of Putin's wet dreams.

Not that you should let any of that put you off, after all he might have changed, people can change..or so they tell me. Good luck if you do message him, I think you're gonna need it.

Well excellent post.

Now you've got an eager fan club waiting to see how he responds, if you meet, what happens when you meet, how this all unfolds.

I hope he's grown up a lot and outgrown some of his problems.

Thanks again everyone for your input.

I wish I hasn't messaged now. He's been online (active 25 mins ago) but hasn't seen the message. When I say seen I mean opened - he obviously knows I have messaged.

I'm taking to bed now 😴 I will update in the morning if he's replied, though I'm not holding my breath!

Brave yourself, but consider the fact that maybe he just wants to be friends...?

What Well said.

He's got you just where he wants you. Clearly he isn't now picking up his phone every two second to check if you've messaged, but you're now in a state of high dudgeon over him.

Seriously, there is no dignity to be had in this scenario.

But none of us will get through to you.

He's gone thru this little black book, looking for fuck. You're good for a shag, he thinks. Please don't be so gullible.

Oh my....pp have said it well.

Where to start?

....Op, you have it the wrong way round. You think about him every day (why?), you need closure (sorry, closure was the messy breakup), you have so much to say (do you really think he wants to hear all that claptrap? No.)

You sound very needy, clearly you think he is above you. You've got things totally backwards. That's not how all this works. I'm not talking about playing games but he needs to think you are above him. Do you understand what I'm saying?

He may have changed, if he has he will show you so clearly that you won't have to ask anyone's opinion. He would be doing everything opposite of what he did before. He has you under his thumb. He knows it, we all know it.

When I see someone w your attitude, I truly don't get it. Even celebrities do this. There are women who are beautiful, intelligent, talented, successful, famous even, like that woman who plays Bridget Jones. Obviously I am speculating and don't know her, but it seems she has no idea about men and what to do in real life. She picks absolute losers that she chases around, same thing w Sandra Bullock. She married that guy with the motorcycle show who cheated on her in the most smarmy way--he was totally beneath her but she has no sense.

And actually, you don't even have to have any of the things those women have anyway. It's all in the attitude. I am not attractive at all, no fancy background or money, s9mehow managed to date guys who were much better looking than me haha! And I married my handsome, successful, smart, well educated, funny, romantic, loyal dh with no drama or wondering or agonizing. He worked to be worthy of me. He married up as far as I'm concerned He calls me Beauty hence my mn name yet I'm no beauty, far from it.

Op, there's a whole other level out there, go beyond this crazy chasing after losers and agonizing whether to message or not. That kind of person doesn't even want what you want. Respect yourself, that is the secret.

He worked to be worthy of me.

Respect yourself, that is the secret.

This!

He's obviously a treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' aficionado, and it works a treat for him. And you respond by eating right out of his hand.

If you were to treat him a bit mean, you might actually pique his interest.

But it's not even about this silly sort of game playing, when you're dealing with a decent chap, who's actually worth any effort.

Because he'll think you're worth the effort, and it will be easy and natural and fraught-free.

Good luck, OP.

Thank you all so much for your replies so far. Well and Beauty, in particular, have given me a lot of food for thought.

I suppose I always felt like I was beneath him, in our past. And now I think I'm in a stage where I don't feel like that any more. Well, up until last night - now it's just thrown me back to the past and got me thinking about how things used to be.

I'm going to try and tread very carefully, and I'm not interested in playing games. If he wants to meet, then we'll meet, if he doesn't, the door is shut on us forever and I can finally move on.

In response to a PP about how I know so much about him despite blocking him - he made a new facebook account (the one he sent me a friend request on) which is the one I found out about his job and that he was single from. I knew he was engaged as a friend of mine, who's then-boyfriend knew G, told me after seeing on facebook.

Oh, and - he's replied. Sent at just before 6am this morning:

"Very well, thank you! How about yourself? "

I haven't opened it, only viewed it from the message preview thing. I'm taking my time and starting to deliberate whether or not to reply..

Id reply something short then see if he makes the effort to converse back if that makes sense?

If he wants to meet, then we'll meet, if he doesn't, the door is shut on us forever and I can finally move on.

Why on his terms? Do you want to meet?

Don't respond. He sounds like a bit of a cock & life is too short for all this shit

I would reply, you don't know what he's like now. And the Facebook thing hints you are on Facebook just because you haven't shut the app. He might not have seen your message til morning.

I'd give a little detail... about your job or hobbies or whatever takes up your time. But just a few lines. If you want to see him you could propose it, after he tells you more than very well thank you.

Thinks not hints

Sorry it sounds like bad news, he is an ex for a reason.

Curiosity would get the better of me, I would have to reply (but tonight, as obv too bush having fun to do Facebook)

I'd leave him well alone op. Sounds like it will lead to prolonged misery to me

Any update?

So what did you do?! Did you reply??

By the way, I'm usually you in this story. And that's what they are, "stories", where in the book or the film version it would make peeerrfect sense for us to get together & gallop off into the sunset. They are rollicking good stories, and they entertain my friends but in the end, nothing doing. Sometimes I think I'm addicted to the story!

What I end up resenting though, is the likelihood that these men pretty much set up camp in my head & live there, whereas probably to them I was never more than a passing thought when it was convenient. I hate the imbalance in our mental real-estate!

So be careful. Save your thoughts & attention for yourself - not this guy!