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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*trigger warning* do I let it go?

60 replies

2late2 · 17/06/2017 17:41

I was in a EA relationship. Finally broke free a year ago but ex keeps on randomly contacting me out of the blue 'seeing how I am'. If I'm 'nice' we talk about him (ugh), if I tell him to fuck off then apparently I'm unreasonable as 'he's friends with all his exes'.

My aibu is this. There were a few incidents of rape in the relationship but there was one in particular I pulled him up on after the fact. He took offence and started his EA shit on me (gaslighting, minimising etc) but I stood my ground and eventually he admitted it, in a whatsapp conversation. Along the lines of:

Him: yeah but you're saying I force sex on you!
Me: I say no, you pull me on top and make sure it goes in
Him: well you're so wet anyway you definitely want it!
Me: I said no, who says I want it?
Him: when I say no I mean it, when you say no you're just playing hard to get!

After months of random contact I've told him to fuck off and called him a rapist. He then wrote back threatening to send his friend round (to break my door down) for spreading rumours about him (I've told no one and he knows this).

If I have a whatsapp conversation which is unedited is this enough to prove anything or do I let him get away with it this time and move on?

OP posts:
hellobonjour · 17/06/2017 17:48

You need to break free from this man.

Can you go to the police?

Original poster
2late2 · 17/06/2017 17:49

That's my question is suppose... do I bother?

OP posts:
Silvereyes · 17/06/2017 17:55

Either report him to the police or block him.

Keep the evidence, hope you're ok.

rizlett · 17/06/2017 17:57

Without minimising what he did to you in the least do you want...

  1. A whole load of trouble and maintaining the angst or
  1. Just to let go and move on

Block him so he cannot continue to contact you. He only contacts you to get a response.

DudeHatesHisCarryOut · 17/06/2017 17:59

Definitely go to the police.

threesocksmeghan · 17/06/2017 18:02

if he doesn't admit it, the defence will rip you apart in court. That is a fact, whether you like it or not. They will analyse everything about you, from your sexual history, any arrest records (or even cautions) etc in order to discredit you. Unless you have ZERO skeletons in your closet I would advise you to let it go.

hayli · 17/06/2017 18:05

block him don't give a shit just because he is contact t with his other EXes dosent mean he needs to stay in ur life and cause trouble.

RebelRogue · 17/06/2017 18:08

Whether to report or not depends on what do you want from him? Justice,for him to know it's wrong ,him to leave you alone?

MatildaTheCat · 17/06/2017 18:09

Why haven't you blocked his number? In your position I would totally block him and move on with my life. If you feel you need more support speak with Rape Crisis but going to the police will bring you a lot of stress which you might want to avoid.

It's wrong of course but getting him out of your life sounds a better option to me.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/06/2017 18:09

Report him to the police.

Original poster
2late2 · 17/06/2017 18:16

I have blocked his number. He just emails me occasionally which I've tried but cannot block.I want to move on obviously but I also don't want him to do this to another poor girl as he thinks it's fine? If you're his girlfriend he can fuck you. No questions asked.

OP posts:
Grimbles · 17/06/2017 18:19

OP. If your sister or friend had this happen to you, what would you say to them?

Foxdale · 17/06/2017 18:20

Don't rise to his baiting. There are controls in all your social media apps to block him, mute him and make yourself invisible to him (and him to you).

Do it now and never think of him again.

RandomMess · 17/06/2017 18:21

I would speak to the police, ask them what the outcome could be, is it possible something would stay against his name if the was a further complaint in the future?

Original poster
2late2 · 17/06/2017 18:21

Grimbles what would you say?

OP posts:
Foxdale · 17/06/2017 18:22

@2late2: Of course you can block his emails. There's lots of ways to do it.

PM me if you need help to do it.

Original poster
2late2 · 17/06/2017 18:25

foxdale sent you a pm

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 17/06/2017 18:28

I get it you can't block your email but I don't understand why you won't get a new one and delete that account.

Go to the police to ask for advice.

He makes threats. You give in to him. Stop that immediately.

Report threats of violence to your property too.

Ignore posts about your private life will be ripped apart. Pretty sure that isn't allowed and actually, it's time the world woke up to the fact that even if you've had 100 lovers, a) you've done nothing wrong and b) you can still be raped.

On, and being "wet" and even orgasming while being raped is a physiological response. It DOES NOT mean you want sex. It's fucking rape.

LeviOsaNotLeviosAR · 17/06/2017 18:35

You can definitely block all methods of communication with him. Sometimes you just need to dig around to work out how to do it (or get help from someone - lots of us here will help).

Secondly, it does not matter about what 'skeletons' you have in your closet. No is no and rape is rape.
I agree that anything less than perfect can - And often will - be used against you in court. However it first needs to get to court. The PF won't take it to court unless they think they have a reasonable case to put forward. So that's nothing to worry about at this stage.

Right now, decide what YOU want. Do you feel like you need justice to move on, or do you just need a clean break away? Once you decide that, you can choose how you want to proceed.

If you feel you need justice and want to go to the police, go in with the expectation that there will be little they can do to get a conviction. That way you will be prepared for the worst outcome. However even if that was the case, atleast you are bringing his name to the attention of the police. They should be able to tell you how well the WhatsApp messages would stand up in court and will help you decide how best to proceed. The police have a team dedicated to dealing with this sort of thing who are wonderful.

Good luck. Flowers

LeviOsaNotLeviosAR · 17/06/2017 18:35

You can definitely block all methods of communication with him. Sometimes you just need to dig around to work out how to do it (or get help from someone - lots of us here will help).

Secondly, it does not matter about what 'skeletons' you have in your closet. No is no and rape is rape.
I agree that anything less than perfect can - And often will - be used against you in court. However it first needs to get to court. The PF won't take it to court unless they think they have a reasonable case to put forward. So that's nothing to worry about at this stage.

Right now, decide what YOU want. Do you feel like you need justice to move on, or do you just need a clean break away? Once you decide that, you can choose how you want to proceed.

If you feel you need justice and want to go to the police, go in with the expectation that there will be little they can do to get a conviction. That way you will be prepared for the worst outcome. However even if that was the case, atleast you are bringing his name to the attention of the police. They should be able to tell you how well the WhatsApp messages would stand up in court and will help you decide how best to proceed. The police have a team dedicated to dealing with this sort of thing who are wonderful.

Good luck. Flowers

ginswinger · 17/06/2017 18:37

Stop replying? He will soon get bored. I appreciate you would probably benefit from resolution to an EA relationship but I can only see he's doing more damage than good.

Grimbles · 17/06/2017 18:53

2late2 Its not easy for me to say as I haven't been through it. The logical me would be telling them to report him, but I do appreciate that the system can be very hard on people who have been raped, not to mention having to deal with the fallout from friends, family, etc.

As awful as this sounds, if you feel 'ok' emotionally with what he did (by ok, I don't mean that it doesn't matter) then it may be better for you to just block him from your life.

Have you considered talking it through with a trained advisor, calling rape crisis for example? rapecrisis.org.uk it may help you get some clarity on what to do.

CiliatedEpithelium · 17/06/2017 19:15

If he is ever going to tip over into behaviour that IS downright criminal, the only was to be assured of this is if you stop engaging with him in any way so be forearmed and go to the police so they can get a case started. You are in a terrible state of limbo currently so you have to do something pro-active to change this. He's not going to change so give him rope and let him hang himself is my advice.

Original poster
2late2 · 17/06/2017 20:04

So even though he said 'when I say no I mean it but when you say no you're playing hard to get' there still hasn't been a unanimous 'it's rape report him'. Interesting. I guess I'll just let it go as like a pp said I don't want to be dragged through the mud

OP posts:
WhatWouldGenghisDo · 17/06/2017 20:12

It's definitely rape, it's definitely a crime and if you feel like reporting him you absolutely should. Incidentally, if you do report him, even if you choose not to press charges it will stay on his file and come up e.g if he tries to get a job involving contact with vulnerable people / children. It also means that if anyone subsequently reports him for similar behaviour the police can come back and ask if you want to be involved in a joint prosecution.

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