*trigger warning* do I let it go?

[2late2]

I was in a EA relationship. Finally broke free a year ago but ex keeps on randomly contacting me out of the blue 'seeing how I am'. If I'm 'nice' we talk about him (ugh), if I tell him to fuck off then apparently I'm unreasonable as 'he's friends with all his exes'.

My aibu is this. There were a few incidents of rape in the relationship but there was one in particular I pulled him up on after the fact. He took offence and started his EA shit on me (gaslighting, minimising etc) but I stood my ground and eventually he admitted it, in a whatsapp conversation. Along the lines of:

Him: yeah but you're saying I force sex on you!
Me: I say no, you pull me on top and make sure it goes in
Him: well you're so wet anyway you definitely want it!
Me: I said no, who says I want it?
Him: when I say no I mean it, when you say no you're just playing hard to get!

After months of random contact I've told him to fuck off and called him a rapist. He then wrote back threatening to send his friend round (to break my door down) for spreading rumours about him (I've told no one and he knows this).

If I have a whatsapp conversation which is unedited is this enough to prove anything or do I let him get away with it this time and move on?

It is rape. It's awful and he's a cumstain.

What do you want to do? You sound very torn, like part of you wants to report him. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, the choice is yours and neither choice is wrong- it is what is best for you.

I would definitely cut all communication and change your email. I would also speak to 101 if you are worried he would just turn up if you ignored him. They can advise you, whether or not you tell them about his violence and that he's a rapist.

@2late2 have you considered contacting rape crisis? The will listen,believe and advise.
Might make it a bit clearer for you about how to proceed next.

@Tippy - unfortunately in nearly all reported cases the rapist does get away with it - it breaks my heart every time I've seen it happen (look at the stats and watch it in court!) - I don't agree with this state of affairs at all - and it is for the OP to choose what is best for her knowing the reality.

I would tell him that you no longer want to discuss the rape.
Tell him you no longer want to communicate with him

Breaking away from a man like this is really really hard because he will drama bait you by telling you that you were wet and you will race to defend yourself.

Stop communicating with him, even if it is incredibly difficult to let his interpretation of events go.

But but...the OP herself has said at the bottom of page one, she doesn't want to be 'dragged through the mud'. His abuse could well escalate and she's moving away anyway. Most posters know it's hell getting a rape rap to stick if there's forensics to go on but there isn't and the OP didn't cry rape at the time. To the defence this will look like a revenge motive after the fact. None of us are saying don't bother with reporting him, loads of us have said to do it but realism has to creep in at some point. Make a statement so there is a paper trail if another complaint comes in in the future maybe but if the OP is reluctant to face him over her own allegation, she is unlikely to go to court in five years time over someone elses. To report rape you have to have an amazing fire in your belly that never diminishes and posters are not seeing it here and that explains why MNetters are giving the advice they are. It's good advice. If the OP went in with the text and a meh attitude the defence would eat her alive. It's shit but it's what happens. Lesson. if you are raped, as soon as it's over, call the law. Don't think about it afterwards when over misdemeanors have pissed you off too. It clouds the issue. I don't mean to offend you OP but trying to give a realistic picture.

CiliatedEpithelium that is such a good post. you've hit on exactly why i'm hesitating...but I don't want to push it all the way unless I was actually going to get a conviction as I don't want my past (which isn't even bad at all!!) dragged up.

You haven't offended me, just reinforced my own thinking. It's all very well saying 'report him' but there's a lot more to it than that.

I believe you

But under this current patriarchal legal system, would I put myself through reporting it ?

No

But love, you have to disengage from him completely. Do not respond again, ever. No matter how and when he contacts you. By engaging, you are prolonging it. You will never get him to fully admit what he did. He is playing games with you. Take away his power.

thank you, anyfucker - and I've seen your other posts and how honestly blunt you can be (in a good way!)

It's absolutely crap that even when he admits it in writing it's still probably not worth reporting

Recently i was awake all night and saw a hollyoaks omnibus. I never watch it but there was a boyfriend/girlfriend rape situation. It was like looking at a mirror. They wrapped it up pretty quick and he confessed which mine would never do but it was strange to see it on tv like that just as I'm going through it.

If only life could be wrapped up so black and white, huh ?

I'm so sorry to hear this and how he treated you.

For what it's worth I was raped by a 'friend' he apologised via messenger, I reported it, spent 2 1/2 years for the trial and the slime ball got let off!!

Would I do it again?

Yes, I wouldn't hesitate!! Not only did I feel a duty to try and stop it happening again, it's also about my self respect and not allowing someone to abuse me and think they can get away with it.

Whilst he walked a free man, he also had 2 1/2 years of thinking he might go to jail, lost his whole social circle as everyone was aware of what he did (turns out he did this to multiple women, when I spoke out others openly discussed it but wouldn't testify) and he paid huge sums for a lawyer to worm him out of it.

Maybe not the conviction I wanted but I do feel some justice was served and self respect gained.

The police will take it very seriously, they told me the rapists they struggle the most to convict are the non violent ones doing it to people they know and are the most prolific worst offenders.

I believe they can also take a full statement and leave it on file incase anyone else ever reports him which may be worth thinking about?

Also in cross examination (yes it's hideous!) however they can ONLY question about things deemed relevant to this case - so not necessarily anything and everything.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself xx