*trigger warning* do I let it go?

[2late2]

I was in a EA relationship. Finally broke free a year ago but ex keeps on randomly contacting me out of the blue 'seeing how I am'. If I'm 'nice' we talk about him (ugh), if I tell him to fuck off then apparently I'm unreasonable as 'he's friends with all his exes'.

My aibu is this. There were a few incidents of rape in the relationship but there was one in particular I pulled him up on after the fact. He took offence and started his EA shit on me (gaslighting, minimising etc) but I stood my ground and eventually he admitted it, in a whatsapp conversation. Along the lines of:

Him: yeah but you're saying I force sex on you!
Me: I say no, you pull me on top and make sure it goes in
Him: well you're so wet anyway you definitely want it!
Me: I said no, who says I want it?
Him: when I say no I mean it, when you say no you're just playing hard to get!

After months of random contact I've told him to fuck off and called him a rapist. He then wrote back threatening to send his friend round (to break my door down) for spreading rumours about him (I've told no one and he knows this).

If I have a whatsapp conversation which is unedited is this enough to prove anything or do I let him get away with it this time and move on?

The threats are also a crime and an ongoing one. I suggest discussing with Rape Crisis and with the police - you can get a sense of what the likely outcomes are without in any way committing yourself to press charges.

Report him. That way, the police have your report on file so that when he treats the next girl like this and she reports him, it's building more and more evidence against him. There may not be enough to press charges and you may choose not to do so, but just telling them and showing them the conversations you've got is still worth while.

Also, I'm sorry. That must have been horrible and taken a lot of courage to get out of the relationship.

WhatWouldGenghisDo he needs a crb/dbs check for work... if he couldn't get one because of this I'm actually pretty scared of what he would do.

Can you move very far away from him and prevent him from finding out where you live now?

I'd go to the police with the texts.

Yes, there's a danger of the police being horrible to you already, and then if you press charges, that you'll be dragged through the mud, but there's also a chance that police will hear from him in the future.

And with the texts where he admits his rape, you have more proof than most others in your situation.

I was in an EA relationship for 2 years and his ex contacted me after it ended a few days later and said she suffered too. She could've reported him but didn't and I could not have anxiety about it all these years later. Please report him , you could be saving someone else.

He doesn't sound like a very safe person to have dbs clearance . You can still talk to the police. They are used to this sort of situation. You can even make an anonymous complaint if you are concerned about the people he works with, although obviously if you do that they will take it less seriously. Or start by talking to Rape Crisis?

Having said all that, I agree with pp that you should only take this forward if you want to. Police might help discourage him from further threatening behaviour but If you don't want to involve them then perhaps think about changing all your contact details and making sure this horrible man doesn't know how to reach you. The most important thing is staying safe

I would recommend contacting rape crisis for advice. They can put you in touch with an independent sexual violence advocate who can talk to you about the reporting process and help you decide whether it's the right thing for you to do. No one else can make that decision, especially if you are scared of violent repercussion, it may be that it is safest for you not to report. I understand your concern about reoffending and that is what motivated me to report as well, although I was not concerned about a violent response. But regardless of what choice you make rape crisis will be able to offer support. Good luck it is a really tough decision.

I am in the process of moving away (he doesn't know this). Once I move I'll be free and safe... but I'm so so concerned that I'll go through so much crap by reporting it and nothing will come of it.

2Late I have NC to post this because I'm in a similar position but I'm still in a r/shp with the guy. for now

I said I didn't want it, he rubbed me up, told me because I was wet I obviously wanted it and then had sex with me. I have also woken in the night with him fingering me while he wanked because I was allegedly rubbing my bum against him in my sleep, so therefore I wanted it.

Tonight I confided in my closest friend and told them I wanted out. I didn't say why. My friend is being very supportive, but also not being pushy. I love my friend even more for that.

I will never report my P, unless the inevitable break up becomes messy. Like you, I have evidence of what he did so I know I can use it if necessary.

But I'm not going to because he has a child to support, a good job, a house to maintain...
If I report this he'll lose all of that, and I actually really love his child.

I know people will tell me I'm wrong, because 'What if he does it to someone else' but at the moment I'm feeling that self preservation and the needs of his child, who I absolutely love, come first.

I'm so sorry you've been through this. It's so shitty. If you'd like to PM me to talk through anything then please feel free.

but I'm so so concerned that I'll go through so much crap by reporting it and nothing will come of it.

I think this is what the most likely outcome will be too. Even though what he did was bad and even though you have been hurt.

Put your energy into somewhere positive that will increase the good parts of your life rather than waste it on a complete waste of space. (even though I understand you want revenge.)

Thats not an EA relationship; that's a sexually violent relationship.

You've also shared quite a lot of details on the internet in terms of the whatsapps or e-mails and details of his CRB clearance needed for work; it may be worth considering whether he would be able to search and find this thread and how this may impact his vile behaviour towards you.

No one can tell you what to do with regards to whether you report it; Rape Crisis (or similar) will be able to offer you advice on the process and what will happen and are probably better suited to doing it and keeping you safe.

"Report him. That way, the police have your report on file so that when he treats the next girl like this and she reports him,"

It's not that simple: you can't just go and make an allegation of rape as report- it will get investigated, and the option to press charges does not always lie with the complainant, particularly when there is a DBS involved.

I've nothing to add to the main points of discussion, but I would advise making plenty of copies of the evidence you do have.

I don't know how Whatsapp works, but loading the conversation and photographing it, with a datestamp if possible, on another device would be good if you can do that... printing out what you can, etc. Basically, hard and electronic copies of everything that could back you up, down to the tiniest thing.

I'm sure I read on here of someone who had a confession on her phone, but it got wiped accidentally or something, so she had no evidence. If you do report, and have electronic evidence, the police might want the device it arrived on, and then you'd have no copies left if something happened to that. So do back it all up and keep it somewhere private and safe.

If you don't report, then if, in future, you have a wobble about how you handled the situation or whether it was "really that bad", you can pull your evidence out and look at it. So whether you report or not, making copies wouldn't be for nothing.

And yes, once you've decided what you're going to do, you could request that this thread be pulled for the sake of your privacy. Better safe than sorry.

I think as well people need to be really careful with the 'what if he does it to someone else'. Being victimised by someone doesn't make you responsible for any subsequent crimes they commit, especially when reporting is far from guaranteed to lead to conviction.

I hope you make your escape safely 2late. And sorry to hear what you've been through IKnow

If you want to see how rape victims are treated in court go and witness a trial - as nearly all criminal trials are open to the public- then think long and hard about if you can withstand the same. Don't listen to posters who are 'pretty certain' you can't have mud thrown at you in court! Even if a judge disallows a question the words are out there (and juries misunderstand - they can think because the judge didn't tell them to 'disregard' and so think it could be true (i.e. woman is a liar!) - as seen too many naff films/tv - having served on a jury and spent a lot of my career in criminal courts!). See the reality for yourself! But good luck with moving on and glad you are out of this abusive relationship !

Keep the evidence in multiple forms and move away. Block and delete every method he has of getting hold of you. One infraction from in after this and it's Police. No iffs or buts because it's abusive then.

I'd echo what others have said - if you are considering reporting you might find it helpful to contact an Independent Sexual Violence Advocate (ISVA) in your area. They can help you think through the pros and cons of reporting for you and facilitate contact with the police if you need. They should also be able to talk with you about safety whatever you decide.

Good luck OP.

What is going on here?!

Someone tells MN they were raped, even has evidence showing his admission to it (or near enough)

And peoples answers are "Ignore him. "

"Block him, move on"

"It's not worth the hassle."

I feel sick at those responses. Let the rapist win. Send him and all the other rapists that they can take from us what they want and we will do nothing but walk away and let them do it.

Excellent! When your daughter (you, meaning any person here) meets an abusive man and he rapes her will you tell her the same thing "Ignore him, he'll go away."

I'm fucking disgusted with this thread and most of its responses.

OP report that dirty nasty bastard, show them, report him, tell them everything. DONT let get away with it.

@TippyTinkleTrousers yes because it's not about us,our daughters or any other woman.
It's about OP and what she wants and can cope with.
If OP wants to press charges i hope she finds and gets the support she needs to get through it. If she wants to move away and forget all about it I hope the same. She is a victim,but it's also her life and it's entirely up to her how she wants to proceed.

You missed my point Rebel she asked on here and was told to 'ignore him and he'll go away.'

That's utterly horrendous advice for someone who has been raped.

I'm quite surprised too TippyTinkleTrousers

I think you would really struggle to get a conviction based on that.

I posted on this thread yesterday and have been amazed by the sort of shrugging "what can you do?" approach.

So different from other threads on this topic where MNetters are very unwavering and united in the opinion that such situations are rape and should not be minimised.

2late2 - I'm so sorry that this happened and I absolutely think this is rape and that you should report him if you feel strong enough to. And his dbs check should not even cross your mind. If he needs to pass a dbs check for work, he needs to be the type of man who deserves to pass one.

Excellent! When your daughter (you, meaning any person here) meets an abusive man and he rapes her will you tell her the same thing "Ignore him, he'll go away."

No. If a man raped my daughter (I don't have one, but if I had), then I'd kill him myself. Simple as that.

There is not much hope for justice in the patriarchal system.

People tell OP to not bother reporting him because there is a high likelihood she will be treated horribly by the police and the court, and the rapist will walk free.

In short, there's a chance that the rapist will win regardless of what she does.

Yes, that's shit, and yes, we shouldn't let rapists win, but it has to be understood that one cannot trust the system on this. It is not like reporting any other kind of crime.