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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In the amount of time I want DH to have DS?

60 replies

Chunkymonkey123 · 16/06/2017 20:54

First post on mumsnet so sorry if I don't explain well.

We have a 11 week old DS who is great but fights going to sleep so before each nap we have a crying/shouting period before he gives in. During the day I normally take him out in the pram or car for naps so he is not over tired and he normally wakes shortly after getting home. My DH gets home about 6pm, I normally expect him to have DS until he goes to sleep around 10pm apart from when I am breastfeeding to give me a break because as I am breastfeeding I do all the night feeds (still 3 hourly!) as well as having him all day.

DS does cry A LOT in the evenings and DH is getting annoyed and says he has no break as goes to work then has DS all evening. I do feel bad but then if he doesn't have him in the evenings when do I get a break? During my break from DS I do the cooking, washing etc. that I don't get done during the day. AIBU?

OP posts:

Angelicinnocent · 16/06/2017 21:00

There is no bu when it comes to such a little baby. They are hard work and you both just have to do what you can and not take it to heart. Ignore what housework you don't absolutely have to do like cooking, rest when you can and remind yourselves it gets easier.

MrsHathaway · 16/06/2017 21:04

Has he been at this for a while? At 6-12 weeks mine were cluster feeding in the evening, say 6pm to 9pm without stopping. There's some kind of hormonal thing going on that helps with supply if you follow that pattern. So it may well be that he just can't take over at that time and if you gave in to the cluster you'd all have an easier time.

I know "get a sling" is a cliché but for your collective sanity I think you need to try to do more during the day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/06/2017 21:06

If you do the overnights, he does get a break that you don't get.

What happens on the weekends?

5moreminutes · 16/06/2017 21:08

I suppose "fair" would be to split the 6-10pm slot so you each have DS for 2 hours and 2 hours "break" but that DH spends as much of his "break" doing housework as you do...

Don't spend all the free time on housework though, you don't need to do 4 hours a day in a house without other children making mess. Do an hour of "chores" then have a bath or something.

I don't remember splitting time with the baby like this though, I just stayed on the sofa BFing all evening with DH when DC were tiny, passed to DH so I could pee or have a bath or whatever, ad hoc. 2 of mine had to be held all the time, one was an easy baby. I guess I had low housework standards

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 16/06/2017 21:09

tell him if he wants a 'break' then he needs to work out a rota with you - so you BOTH get down/me time.....
and also a rota to share the household tasks so you're not doing it on your time 'off'

quite frankly - you work full time too caring for your dc.
so once he's home you BOTH need to share childcare and chores.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 16/06/2017 21:11

Give him a bottle. He'll sleep then.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 16/06/2017 21:14

Let DS cluster feed in the evening (if you can bear it) while DH does the housework and cooking. Then you get a rest in the day and he gets an uninterrupted nights sleep. This would still mean he's getting by far the easier deal.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 16/06/2017 21:18

Sorry just saw that you are out with DS while he naps. Right then DH takes him in the evening while you have a bath or something. Leave the housework for a bit, it'll still be there once things settle down

Candlefairy101 · 16/06/2017 21:20

When I was breastfeeding I would sit in bed with neflix or in front of the tv in the evenings and just let the baby feed as much as she/he wanted.

DH would come home from work and cook dinner do chores he still does this now!

If I was really tired during the night feedings I would wake DH and he would get up and make a formula bottle then I could have a good few solid hours. It never did my milk balance any harm and it did wonders for me and the baby the next day!

Sofabitch · 16/06/2017 21:20

They crying will be because at that age they need to cluster feed.

Sucky timing for mums as its they end of a day and we are exshausted.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to take over the whole time.

Patriciathestripper1 · 16/06/2017 21:21

It's called supporting each other when baby is so small so you can both make it through.
You should remind him of this.

MargeryB · 16/06/2017 21:24

Yes I do think YABU. Sorry. As others have said do 1 hour max of jobs a night and share that time slot, it is the hardest one of the day by far.

If you could get him out of the car/pram habit in the day you could get your break then.

MrsPinkButterfly · 16/06/2017 21:25

I think you are doing the right thing, so many people never get their DH to do anything with their first baby from early on and it causes no end of problems as it sets a precedent you will spend the rest of your childhood raising lifes by.

I introduced a bottle for these times at 5 weeks and it worked great for us as otherwise I would have gone insane.

I used expressed milk first but then moved to forumla as I wanted DH to be able to help more and had read hundreds of stories of people unable to get their bf babies to take bottles and never wanted to be in that situation so started early which worked well

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 16/06/2017 21:28

I disagree with pp suggesting it's unreasonable for DH to take baby in the evening. Fair would be DH takes baby for half the evening and then half the nights. If he's not doing nights he should do evenings. Otherwise op is working all day and all night while his life is unchanged from pre-baby. How is that fair?

ToothTrauma · 16/06/2017 21:30

Presumably he gets a lunch break at work, and then you're doing all the night feeds so he's sleeping. When are YOU supposed to have a break if he doesn't take DS in the evening?

NemosKnickers · 16/06/2017 21:32

I think YAB a little bit U

As pp said, those last few hours of the day are the hardest. You've both had long days and it's so difficult to deal with a crying baby for a short time, never mind four hours every day.

I agree that you should get a break at some point, but I wouldn't feel fair just letting DH get on with this intense bit alone. I would want to pass baby back and forth a bit as we both eat/shower/whatever.

I really feel for you both though, crying babies grind you down

PinkPeppers · 16/06/2017 21:33

I think he needs to realise that if he doesn't get a break (work and then lookingbafter HIS ds) the you dint either (looking after your ds and then HW etc...)
Yes it's hard to spend 4 hours with a baby that is crying and unhappy but then you've done something similar during the day AND during the night.

I would tell him that yes having a break sounds a really good idea because you BOTH need the break.
So what he does propose so to be able to do so??

Fwiw I think that 'sharing' that time of the day would be great. You doing half of it and him the other.
BUT that would only go with him stepping up big way during the weekend so you can have a break too. And him doing some of the chores that are needed in the evening too.
It would also only be possible if the 'sharing' the workload is t him doing the cooking he enjoys and you doing all the cleaning iyswim

wowbutter · 16/06/2017 21:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
He gets his break at work, he gets t have a coffee, g to the loo in peace and have a lunch break.

When he gets home from work, his baby is his duty. It's only four bloody hours? So you can have a break. And then you are back on night feeds.

When my youngest DS was little nd my DH did weird shifts it would go like this.
DH would go to work at three pm and I would have the baby. Do everything. He would get in at one to two am and he would get the baby, and I would get some solid sleep until six am. If he got to sleep with the baby, great, if not, tough shit. I took over at six and he got four solid hours like me until ten am. We then shared until he was due back at work.

We both got fours hours minimum sleep, and potentially more depending in the tiny demon sleeping or not.

PinkPeppers · 16/06/2017 21:35

Fwiw, I also think that these last hours are the hardest for the mothers who have already been spending the day soothing a baby and generally having to be there 'om demand' somto speak wo being able to carve any time for themsleves at all.

So IMO this is the mother that should take the priority, even if I also think it's fair to share that load between you a bit more.

Original poster

Chunkymonkey123 · 16/06/2017 21:36

Thank you for all the responses. I am trying to get him to nap in his crib during the day but it is not going well at the moment but will hopefully improve so I get a break during the day.
Sorry for not saying earlier but I normally try to go to bed early so I get an hour or so before the night feeds. DH is sleeping in the spare room during the week so gets a full nights sleep.
DS has gone through periods of cluster feeding but is now going through a phase of latching on and off, screaming at my breast, yanking my nipple and I can only stand it for so long before I get DH to give him a bottle. I think I am bu as my DH is great on the weekends and probably does 50%. I don't want to fall into the trap of who does more/is more tired but it's hard. Parenting is just a lot more overwhelming than I thought it would be.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 16/06/2017 21:37

I think 2 hours baby, one housework each and one hour break each is the fairest divide

ChildishGambino · 16/06/2017 21:38

YANBU at this stage everyone needs to pitch in. My DH did exactly this and they have such a lovely bond now.

prettypaws · 16/06/2017 21:40

Can't you nurse him to sleep on a birthing ball or in your bed for naps when he's tired and then get a break yourself? Is it the baby's rhythm you're working with or are you trying to impose it upon him? Sleep, activity and BF needs change constantly so responding to that makes everything a lot better for everyone.

Do you have a comfortable carrier or sling? Can you go for a nice walk whilst he nurses to sleep in that instead of driving around with a screaming baby in the back? If you can reduce your stress it'll make your evenings more manageable and not see things as a chore to go off duty from.

It's not a nannyshare so i can't imagine splitting time up like that or wanting to be away from my young baby every evening unless you were trying to sort out custody issues or had resentment. I don't think there are any rules and certainly no expectation for dad to come home and do everything till bedtime.

A better approach might be to tell your OH how you feel and why you need more support, listen to how he's coping, and then try to help each other as best you can. Doesnt he want time with the baby and you can do what you need, and then you can spend time together whilst both of you take care of your child?

Wanttobehonest · 16/06/2017 21:42

I used to (not every day but quite a bit) pass baby over for the first 2 hours and run around and do what I needed to/have shower etc. Bearing in mind we have 4dcs so this may be more about what happened last time I had an 11 week old.

Then sit down on sofa at 8pm and expect him to run around doing all the necessary things and baby would sleep/feed a lot on my lap. He would then get me a drink, snack etc.

That way no-one got a break

KimchiLaLa · 16/06/2017 21:44

Why do you mention "and shouting" OP? Between each other? It's not your fault nor his that the baby is not sleeping.

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