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AIBU?

In the amount of time I want DH to have DS?

60 replies

Chunkymonkey123 · 16/06/2017 20:54

First post on mumsnet so sorry if I don't explain well.

We have a 11 week old DS who is great but fights going to sleep so before each nap we have a crying/shouting period before he gives in. During the day I normally take him out in the pram or car for naps so he is not over tired and he normally wakes shortly after getting home. My DH gets home about 6pm, I normally expect him to have DS until he goes to sleep around 10pm apart from when I am breastfeeding to give me a break because as I am breastfeeding I do all the night feeds (still 3 hourly!) as well as having him all day.

DS does cry A LOT in the evenings and DH is getting annoyed and says he has no break as goes to work then has DS all evening. I do feel bad but then if he doesn't have him in the evenings when do I get a break? During my break from DS I do the cooking, washing etc. that I don't get done during the day. AIBU?

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MrsHathaway · 16/06/2017 21:54

You are still in the "fourth trimester". I promise it gets better.

BrewFlowers

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Chunkymonkey123 · 16/06/2017 21:54

No absolutely no shouting between me and DH, only the baby shouts.
We have an open plan living/dining/kitchen so I am in the same room as them in the evenings I just expect DH to hold/settle him when I am not feeding. I think I actually enjoy doing the household tasks as it means I get some personal space!
I have currently got DS on me to give DH some free time and he is playing on his phone, trying hard not to say something as this is how he relaxes apparently

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EatTheChocolateTeapot · 16/06/2017 22:04

I don't think YABU as there are no rules, you just have to find what works for your family.
What worked for us is co-sleeping and letting baby fall asleep on the breast until much later (until night weaning at 22 months for DC1 and falling asleep on her own at 17 months for DC2).
For the pulling away, biting and pinching, I found they tend to do that when they are teething. When that happended DC1 would have Calpol and would then sleep a bit. DC2 is an easier baby/better sleeper and didn't need Calpol for sleeping when teething.
I also tended to breastfeed them in the bedroom with drawn curtains at around 3-4 months as they became really aware of everything going on and would otherwise not feed properly during the day (and then would wake up more at night).
Good luck, it is tough but they do eventually grow up. It is very hard to have a crying baby to take care of, very intense emotionally and physically. Does your DS take a dummy? Could your DH spend some time walking him in a sling?
I also think babies that age have a very strong instinct for not sleeping alone.

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user1495025590 · 16/06/2017 22:07

YABa bit U.With a young baby you can just kind of slob about in your PJs .Sloch on the couch whilsy tour baby sleeps on you.When you are at work you have no such luxury!

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MrsTerryPratchett · 16/06/2017 22:13

If it's so easy @user1495025590 there should be no issue with him doing it when he gets home, right?

Or is it only easy to do it when you own a vagina?

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witsender · 16/06/2017 22:14

You don't get to comment on 'how he relaxes' tbh. It sounds like you hand him over for the hardest bit, when they cry! 😂 Nicely done.

Honest answer would be that I think it ought to be 50/50 really. You need a break, he needs a break

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BewareOfDragons · 16/06/2017 22:15

Your DH gets breaks:

He gets to sleep through the night while you're up multiple times with the baby.

He gets to commute in peace without worrying about entertaining the baby, a crying baby, delivering a baby to/from childcare. That's worth a lot.

He gets a lunch break. And coffee break. While you get to rush around like a demon if the baby takes a nap trying to get things done.

Babies are tough. And the chores don't disappear just because there's a baby in the house ... in fact they multiply!

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ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/06/2017 22:17

Agree with witsenders post.

It's a hard stage.

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WhatWouldGenghisDo · 16/06/2017 22:21

witsender the hardest bit is being up every 3 hours, every night

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WhatWouldGenghisDo · 16/06/2017 22:23

And the bit where you're completely touched out by the time the witching hour kicks in because you've been up half the night with the baby and then had him all day

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Viviene · 16/06/2017 22:52

Yes, YABU.

Usually the MN verdict in the cases like this is: 'he works, you work at home, when he comes back there should be equal amount of child free time.'

Why is your work more important than his? How come commute counts as a break and so does lunch? Surely the baby sleeps sometimes during the day so you get breaks too?

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TheDogAteMyGoatskinVellum · 16/06/2017 23:10

You're not even on the same planet as unreasonable. His break is that uninterrupted night's sleep he gets from 10 onwards.

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Writerwannabe83 · 16/06/2017 23:30

YANBU at all.

When my DH used to get in from work at about 5pm I would hand the baby to him and I'd head straight upstairs and have a two hour sleep. During this time DH would relax but tend to baby and he'd also cook the dinner to be ready for 7pm. I would then get up, we'd eat, we'd bath the baby and then when I was feeding/settling baby for the night my DH would wash up and tidy the kitchen.

I would stay upstairs with baby once he was asleep and try and get a few more hours myself before the 11pm cluster feed started. Whilst I was upstairs my DH would have a good few hours to himself downstairs to relax, watch TV, have a cold beer etc so that by the time he went to bed he'd also had a few hours of baby free time.

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witsender · 17/06/2017 07:38

I don't know, I found the waking hours of screaming (colicky baby) harder than the night feeds. Mainly because for the latter I just rolled over and flopped a boob out tbh.

So no, for me the hardest bit would be having solo charge of the evening when they scream and are uncomfortable. Regardless, it should be shared where possible. If the OP is going to bed to recover then that is one thing, but if they are both up and about it should be shared.

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Calyrical · 17/06/2017 07:47

Where would you go on your 'break'?

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luckylucky24 · 17/06/2017 07:52

I think you are being a little unreasonable. Presumably, whilst you are the one "doing" night feeds, the baby still disturbs his sleep and he then has to go to work all day. I think he deserves an hour or so to himself too.

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FloatyCat · 17/06/2017 08:07

Yab a little U, the evening slot was the worst by far I found with both of mine and I is overwhelming, my DH used to be exactly the same, he found it hard the baby cried for 4 hrs just as he got in from work.
You need to split this time 50/50 it is only fair, so you both get a bit of a break.
To the PP who said he gets his break at work 😂😂 that is nonsense I'm afraid.

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Suntrapped · 17/06/2017 08:24

YABU when is his time to relax?

I think you should handover baby at 6pm then let DH have a break 7-8pm then switch again. It is awful getting home from a full day of work to be faced with hours of a crying baby. You need to take turns.

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mistermagpie · 17/06/2017 08:28

Hmm it's a tough one. I know my DH's job is easier than being at home, but then again we have two kids under two and I work at the same place as DH so I know exactly what he does all day!

That said, it seems a bit unfair that your DH gets in from work and is handed a screaming baby for four hours. Why are you doing that much housework anyway? One of my DS's is 11 weeks old too and I do the absolute bare minimum. My house is a tip yes, but Hello magazine aren't coming round any time soon. I do make sure I shower at night now, so in the morning I can just get up and get dressed and we can get out. DH watches the baby then (older boy in bed) for half an hour but apart from that we pitch in together.

You get breaks during the day too surely? When the boys are napping I play on my phone and eat usually and with one baby you could just let him nap on you while you veg out and watch tv. The only reason I can't do that is because I also have a toddler.

To be honest you're being a bit U and so is DH. You just have to muddle through together at this point. That said, since I've had DS2 i don't know why I ever moaned about looking after one baby, it seems quite easy now when I only have one to look after and the other is asleep. I might just have 'easy' babies though I suppose,

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WhatWouldGenghisDo · 17/06/2017 14:11

Op doesn't get breaks in the day because DS won't nap unless she's pushing / driving him about. She isn't even proposing having a 'break' in the evening, she's proposing having a bit of variety doing housework instead of baby care. Why should DH get a) uninterrupted sleep - op has said he is in spare room - and b) an actual break when she doesn't? Why should she have all (or for those suggesting she gets an hour off, 23 out of 24 hours) sole responsibility for DS so DH's life can remain almost unaffected by parenthood?

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Chunkymonkey123 · 17/06/2017 15:52

Thanks again for all your comments. I think I will try to give DH more time in the evenings. I know it is hard on both of us but I do feel on my own for basically 20 hours of the day and probably do feel that has a good nights sleep to look forward to which I know is not the point. I have also started looking back on my working day with fond memories but I know that is rose tinted goggles lol!

We don't have any family nearby to help but I have joined a couple of baby groups to get me out the house.
Also sorry I don't do 4 hours of housework. 6-7 I cook dinner, do the dishwasher, sterilise breast pump etc. Then we take turns to eat dinner. Put a wash on/hang out washing. 8-8.30 I'm feeding again. Then I go to bed about 9 before he brings DS up at 10ish.
DS has recently started going on his playmat for short periods so I can see that the end is in sight!

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MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2017 18:11

So even when he's not getting a break, you're not? Is he happy to come in, cool, do laundry, sterilize the pump? Or will you have to do all that while he has his break AND you still have the baby?

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MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2017 18:11

Cook not cool

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rolopolovolo · 17/06/2017 18:17

MrsTerryPratchett

did you even bother reading before you condemned her DH? she already stated that he takes DH while she does housework.

The real question is this: would her DH swap to do housework if she took the baby? If he would, let him.

It sounds like both of them would rather do chores than deal with the end of day baby blues (which is fair enough) but it doesn't sound like her DH is unwilling to clean up.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2017 18:18

It was a question not a condemnation. If you'd read my post.

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