To tell Aunt to piss off??

[LegoMenEverywhere]

I have name changed because this is very outing and I don't tend to talk about it on mumsnet. Also a bit of back story so if you're willing, read on...

My DP and I look after his nephews. He and his brother have no other family and very sadly his brother and SIL were involved in an accident a few years ago that resulted in her death and brother being seriously injured, leaving him in hospital for nearly a year.

My DP and I were at the time planning our wedding which we obviously put on hold- and it's remained on hold- while the boys came to live with us. We bought a house near their flat. SW have been involved and were very happy with my DP and I as carers. BIL may never be able to look after them independently as he gets very tired and so we now have a nice setup where they are with us during the week and BIL at the weekend where things are more relaxed, but we all spend a lot of time together.

The boys' mum's family are all in the USA, though aren't american. She had one DSis who has met the boys twice since the eldest was a baby. She has come to us for an extended visit. She has spent the entire visit talking about how she is their "real" family and offering for them to come and live in America with her, talking about how things are so much better there etc etc. The boys have found this really unsettling and the eldest became really upset when on calling me "auntie Lego" he was told "oh she's not your REAL auntie- she's not even married to your uncle!"

Now both boys have started asking me if I am their "real" auntie, if they'll be taken away to live in America, etc.

I've found this really upsetting as well. I've known the boys their entire lives and DP and their dad have been trying to reassure them, but I just want her out of my house. But I also realise that it's important for them to have a relationship with a blood relation given how few they have left- and I have to remember that I'm not their mum (regardless of how it feels sometimes!)

WIBU to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and she can either change her tune and stay, or that she has to leave? Or is it not my place?

Jeez, tell her to fuck off. Of corse she is behaving badly. How old are the boys? If you won't tell your dh to.

Please tell her that. You and your DP sound like wonderful people

Tell her asap. Those poor kids. Tell her to shut up and fuck off.

What the fuck?! Christ. Where the fuck was she and the other "real" family when all this happened? Poor kids and poor you. Fuck that noise though. I'd be kicking her out.

She's also got no legal leg to stand on so tell her to get to fuck if she starts that bollocks.

She is likely projecting her guilt on to you. Family is what you make it. YADNBU you choose to look after those little boys she didn't put her life on hold for them.

You are a wonderful person

Of course it's your place, you are the closest thing to a mum these boys have, their stability. Tell her to fuck off and enjoy it.

And fair play on stepping up for the boys too op

cream they're 7 and 9. Old enough to understand that they won't be randomly shipped off but too little to not get worried about it, I think. The eldest remembers his mum and everything changing when she died so is quite anxious, the younger isn't an anxious child but asks us a lot about his mum who he doesn't really remember and so has been quite intrigued by the Aunt
DP took her aside the first time but it didn't help. BIL gets very emotional (brain injury and personality changes) but I think he's a bit conflicted- they are talking a lot about his DW which is good for them I think but confusing for the boys.

She would be out of my house and then if you gave a grovelling apology I would have the discussion where she agrees to behave like a decent human being or she's out on her ear.

She should be licking your boots after everything you have done for "her family." Wtf was she when those boys needed the most help and support?

If she gave a grovelling apology.

You are way more real than her. Tell her to leave the house and that she can visit if she can keep a civil tongue in her mouth because you will not take the brunt of her projected guilt for never having done anything for those boys.

I'd kick her out for that. That's absolutely horrible that she'd speak of you in such a way when you're taking care of children coming from such awful circumstances.

I have no advice, OP, but you are amazing.

Not all heroes wear capes. This totally applies to you.

What does your BiL think about her saying these things to them? If he can manage it, then he is the person to put her in her place. If not, then I think you should sit her down and make it clear what is going to happen.

The fact that she's coming out with this shit just bolsters how she has no idea what the boys need or how "small" comments and phrases can have a serious effect. No adult in their right mind would announce to two bereaved kids they could come and live with her, given the fact their only surviving parent (who still cares for them 2/7 days) is still in the UK. It would never happen, so why say it and unsettle them? If it is out of guilt I hope she feels better for it

Have words OP. Tell her that the boys's lives are here, with you, your DP and their Dad. To them you are their family, as is she. That you respect her role as their aunt- but that that's a two way street, and so you expect the same courtesy to be afforded to you as one of their caregivers. They need stability and love. There isn't a finite amount of either they can receive, and she can help with that if she so wishes.

For the sake of your nephews I'd be putting a strong assertive line for what will be happening (that nothing changes etc).

I'd also be saying in a firm tone that if the other aunt doesn't start behaving and not upsetting the boys that she'll have to stay elsewhere. This isn't about her, it's about the boys and what's best for them

How is taking them away from their father, most "real" family they have to go somewhere they doesn't know, with people they don't know, even a remotely helpful idea?

Ignore her and reassure them that all is fine. Poor kids.

do they still have contact with the social worker and can she give you some advice.

Take her aside and tell her that her her RUDE comments are very upsetting to both the boys and yourself. Tell her that you adore the boys and have worked very hard to try and make the boys feel safe, settled and like they have a family. Tell her if she wants to belittle you and unsettle the children she can pack her bags and leave. Say that you gladly welcomed her as your guest because you want the boys to know her, but she is ruining the relationship. Then sit back and wait for her apology - if it doesn't come tell her to go.

"Piss off" isn't appropriate.

"Fuck off to the far side of fuck, you insensitive, crazy bitch" is far better

What ohfourfoxache said

Why not marry? Not to shut her up but for the boys sake. You can truthfully and legally say you ARE their aunt.

What a dreadful woman. Tell her to Trump off....

As an adoptive parent (which I think is relevant) I think you really must tell her to cut it out or get out. Your boys have been through so much already, and it is vital that everyone pulls together to make them feel this is their stable 'forever family'. Cruel beyond words to undermine their sense of safety.

It's not about her rudeness to you (though that is shocking) but about the needs of the boys: tell her that. And if she doesn't shape up, I honestly believe your children will be better off without her in their lives.

beautifully put