To tell Aunt to piss off??

[LegoMenEverywhere]

I have name changed because this is very outing and I don't tend to talk about it on mumsnet. Also a bit of back story so if you're willing, read on...

My DP and I look after his nephews. He and his brother have no other family and very sadly his brother and SIL were involved in an accident a few years ago that resulted in her death and brother being seriously injured, leaving him in hospital for nearly a year.

My DP and I were at the time planning our wedding which we obviously put on hold- and it's remained on hold- while the boys came to live with us. We bought a house near their flat. SW have been involved and were very happy with my DP and I as carers. BIL may never be able to look after them independently as he gets very tired and so we now have a nice setup where they are with us during the week and BIL at the weekend where things are more relaxed, but we all spend a lot of time together.

The boys' mum's family are all in the USA, though aren't american. She had one DSis who has met the boys twice since the eldest was a baby. She has come to us for an extended visit. She has spent the entire visit talking about how she is their "real" family and offering for them to come and live in America with her, talking about how things are so much better there etc etc. The boys have found this really unsettling and the eldest became really upset when on calling me "auntie Lego" he was told "oh she's not your REAL auntie- she's not even married to your uncle!"

Now both boys have started asking me if I am their "real" auntie, if they'll be taken away to live in America, etc.

I've found this really upsetting as well. I've known the boys their entire lives and DP and their dad have been trying to reassure them, but I just want her out of my house. But I also realise that it's important for them to have a relationship with a blood relation given how few they have left- and I have to remember that I'm not their mum (regardless of how it feels sometimes!)

WIBU to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and she can either change her tune and stay, or that she has to leave? Or is it not my place?

I have no advice but just wanted to say what a wonderful thing you did

There's been some trouble on DH's side and being placed with family for one child is looking like a serious option. We sat and talked and I really don't know if I'd be up to the responsibility.

Please don't minimise what you have done for those bairns.

I'd just head down to registry office with the
boys, bil and your family and tie the knot - have a lovely picnic after. Then have big wedding later.

Kick the bitch out today. Seriously.

She's not adding anything positive to an already stressful situation, and is in fact having an extremely negative impact. Get rid of her pronto.

I agree she is being an arse, however she has also lost a sister (if I read that right?) and is grieving. The rest sounds like ignorance - has she any idea about children because it sounds like she has not a clue.

Be firm but as you say it would be nice for the children to know their family and have bonds in the future. She may have her own children soon and will hopefully mature a bit!

Do everything you can to make life solid - be clear with her in front of the children if she mentions where they live "this is their home (with their Dad) and always will be" etc. Get married pdq and make sure everyone is consistent in their approach as much as possible.

You have done and are doing a good thing here, you are an aunt parenting nephews, you have every right to create boundaries to keep the children safe but must think of the future and choose your battles wisely.

I agree. How many times will they see her if she lives in America? Shell just start trouble then swan off home leaving you with two confused boys to deal with. At the very least, I'd tell her she needs to find herself a hotel and you will invite her round at suitable times.

Seriously pop down the registry office with your boys and a couple of MN witnesses (Oh God I wish someone would do this in my town) and make you official. Right now if DP died, what would happen?
Get BIL to discuss this. What, as their biological, legal parent does he want?
Sort it out legally. And then and only then, can you embrace mad US auntie who does holidays.