To tell Aunt to piss off??

[LegoMenEverywhere]

I have name changed because this is very outing and I don't tend to talk about it on mumsnet. Also a bit of back story so if you're willing, read on...

My DP and I look after his nephews. He and his brother have no other family and very sadly his brother and SIL were involved in an accident a few years ago that resulted in her death and brother being seriously injured, leaving him in hospital for nearly a year.

My DP and I were at the time planning our wedding which we obviously put on hold- and it's remained on hold- while the boys came to live with us. We bought a house near their flat. SW have been involved and were very happy with my DP and I as carers. BIL may never be able to look after them independently as he gets very tired and so we now have a nice setup where they are with us during the week and BIL at the weekend where things are more relaxed, but we all spend a lot of time together.

The boys' mum's family are all in the USA, though aren't american. She had one DSis who has met the boys twice since the eldest was a baby. She has come to us for an extended visit. She has spent the entire visit talking about how she is their "real" family and offering for them to come and live in America with her, talking about how things are so much better there etc etc. The boys have found this really unsettling and the eldest became really upset when on calling me "auntie Lego" he was told "oh she's not your REAL auntie- she's not even married to your uncle!"

Now both boys have started asking me if I am their "real" auntie, if they'll be taken away to live in America, etc.

I've found this really upsetting as well. I've known the boys their entire lives and DP and their dad have been trying to reassure them, but I just want her out of my house. But I also realise that it's important for them to have a relationship with a blood relation given how few they have left- and I have to remember that I'm not their mum (regardless of how it feels sometimes!)

WIBU to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and she can either change her tune and stay, or that she has to leave? Or is it not my place?

You are their "real mum" in a day to day practical sense. You didn't give birth to them, and you will never be a replacement for their mum but you are definitely their real Auntie and she is a cheeky bitch to say otherwise.

I agree with those suggesting you get the social worker back in. I expect they will tell her in quite a direct manner if she wants to even think about looking after children she needs to stop suggesting stupid ideas like they move thousands of miles from their dad and stop upsetting them.

Why don't you formalise the arrangement and become legal guardians?

I think you should try and speak to her alone, tell her how her saying these things is affecting not only you, but also the boys. She is being completely insensitive and inconsiderate of the boys emotions. If she doesn't respond well to a grown up chat about her behaviour then tell her she should find alternative accommodation for the rest of her stay. You sound amazing

It might be nice of you got married, you could have the boys as page boys.

She's not even married to your uncle Does she even know that you postponed your wedding because of their situation?!

She needs telling that her horrible remarks are upsetting and unsettling for the children and very nasty towards you.

Someone needs to tell her this straight away and they need to tell her to stop or fuck off.

I was about to say what Rubies has said. Talk to their father and formalize the arrangement. Tell the aunt that she is being totally out of order and if she doesn't stop she can leave the house.
She is a very shellfish cow.

I'd be getting some legal guardianship sorted that BIL agrees to if you haven't already. Just in case in a haze of nostalgia after talking about memories of his DW he agrees to them going over to live there.

Tell her to fuck off. You and your DP gave those boys some normality after what happened, not some aunt from across the pond who occasionally bothers herself to visit.

ohfourfoxache thank you- that made me laugh!
You have all been very reassuring- thank you.

BIL is finding this all a bit overwhelming. One of his injuries was to the "frontal lobe" which affects his emotions and he can be really up and down.

DP is working long days 9-9 at the moment but I think we'll try and sit down with her together at the weekend.

There is still some SW contact as their address is still with us and they're officially "looked after children" but to be honest the SW essentially said "oh good you're health professionals, you'll be fine" and we've had a breezy phone call every few months ever since...

goingtobeawesome we had always wanted a big wedding, which we didn't have as we spent our wedding budget on a house deposit instead. Now it just feels a bit sad- I have had some losses too and we'd be very aware of who wasn't there. We've talked about doing it quietly on holiday but my parents would be really upset and it's not really what we want. One day though- when we've saved up enough and maybe had some children of our own!

And does this silly woman truly believe that she and her American family trump the boys actual father?!!! I would discuss the matter with DH's brother and ensure that he does indeed have a will were something to happen to him expressing his wish to appoint you both as guardians.

Tell her straight. "Piss off. If you want to maintain any relationship you will not bring this up again!"

Any chance the wedding can be back on even if in a different format as originally planned and make the boys a special part of it too.

You are amazing!

Sorry I crossposted with you OP> you are still amazing!

They don't need a relationship with anyone who attempts to destabilise their lives.

Ok, you're not their first mum, but you are their parent. Do you have an SGO? I think she probably needs to be told that the boys' needs come first, and you are responsible for that so while it's great to talk about their mum, she must not talk about them moving as it categorically won't happen. Do they have a life story book? Maybe she could help them make one or do something positive like that rather that make empty promises/threats.

it's important that they have a relationship with a blood relation

I disagree, at least not this one! She sounds toxic and manipulative and has barely featured in her nephews lives so far.
Your lovely nephews are not benefiting from her sudden entrance into their lives.

If their mother was not American your nephews do not have American citizenship unless they were born on US soil. She can spout her pipe dreams as much as she wants, she won't be taking them anywhere. It takes years and a hell of a lot of money and effort to adopt children from abroad - I think something like three years and $30,000, and that is for an orphan without a living parent fighting for them to not go to the US. If she thinks she can just load them onto a plane and fly off she's deluded.

Suggesting that the boys might one day like to visit their other family in the US =fine.
Suggesting that they might be moved to the US to live with some relatives presumably many of whom they have never met = categorically not fine.
She needs to be told that she is unsettling and upsetting the boys and its their interests that should be prioritised.
maybe she wants to show them that their US relatives want to welcome them and they are part of a bigger unit but she's going about it in totally the wrong way. Ive got a 9 and a 7 year old and can imagine how much this would worry them.
You and your DH are doing an amazing job Lego and providing the stability those boys need.

Their real family? What like their father who is still alive?

Awful woman.

OP - you sound really lovely. Of course the children need to stay here near to and seeing their father.
This woman sounds horrendous - she would not be welcome under my roof. The link to their late mother is important but the aunt sounds quite poisonous. Let her take them out for the day when she's about but any more of this nonsense and you need to take steps to protect them from her comments.
As a side note, be very careful of your BIL letting them go to the states - she sounds like she might try and keep them there then you've got all manner of legal problems.

Glad I could raise a smile

I do wonder whether any form of relationship with such a nasty person can ever be a good thing. Those poor boys, they've been through so much - as have you and dp and his Db.

In all honesty, who the hell does she think she is?

slkk that's a good idea- they have lots of pictures but not a storybook as such. That may be a good way to involve her in a non-destabilising way. I will see if BIL can take them out tomorrow to choose some of those nice books to stick their pictures in and that will give DP and I a chance to sit down properly

We are in Scotland so there isn't an SGO but we are classed as "kinship carers". There was initially an emergency residence order after the accident and now we have a section 11 order which has been varied now their DF is more able to care for them. DP has largely dealt with it but we aren't too worried about her actually being able to whisk them off - it's more about the effect what's she's saying will have on their emotions.

(PS you're all very nice, but we are not especially wonderful people and there wasn't much choice at the time - it was us or local authority foster carers and I think most people would do the same as us! I wouldn't change things for the world though- they're lovely kids)

Don't worry about the wedding because of something a bat-shit crazy relative says. Her comments are entirely irrelevant. And while a will would not be unhelpful, where the children go in the event of your BIL's demise is a decision for the state, based on the children's best interests, not something he can just dictate in a will. So don't fear that a relative who has rarely seen the children and lives abroad would trump the love, care and stability you have been providing for them for years.

I would be very much inclined to give her an ultimatum regarding her behaviour. She is not acting in the children's best interests and you need to protect them. There are some good suggestions above about framing this for her.

Talking to the social worker might not be a bad idea, she may have some helpful advice and reassurance. Talking to your BIL about it and getting him on board would be preferable if his injuries don't make this too problematic. But if he is unable to cope with it, or he might come to a different conclusion from you, that would be very hard. If the children are in your care not his, ultimately you need to be making the decisions that are in their best interests even if it upsets their father.

My 'sister' is not technically my real family. Her dad and my mum were together when we were both young (but they never got married), she was a toddler so won't ever remember a time that I wasn't around. They split after about 8 years. We have still always said we are sisters, we are aunts to each other's children. To me, she is my sister even though we were never even related by marriage. I have a half sister through my dad and I think of her as less of a sister. This whole 'real' relative stuff is bullshit and she is being very disrespectful to you and the role you have played in this awful situation. I'd be telling her she shuts the fuck up or ships out. Rude woman.

You sound lovely. So glad the boys have someone like you in their lives.

You both sound amazing, I'm so sorry for your families loss but those little boys are so lucky to have you and your DP to look after them

And yes, you should absolutely 100,000% tell her to stop saying ridiculous things that are upsetting them and to fuck right off if she can't stop it

You & your DP are wonderful people. If only DIY SOS could put together the wedding you deserve. I'd certainly volunteer. That said, weddings really don't need to be the monstrously extravagant affairs that Instagram dictates nowadays. If the love is there then it will be the most wonderful day for you and your DP, and if it helps the boys to feel more special by being part of it, then go for it!
The SIL needs to understand that those poor kids have been put through something no child should and everyone else needs to put their own agendas aside to ensure that everything is done in the boys' best interest (and that of your DP's brother).