AIBU to be pissed off at this autism course?

[Welldd]

DD is autistic. We struggle a lot with behavior, anxiety, poor academia, massive social struggles. We've just had a diagnosis.

A local ASD team are running a parenting support course. It's a 12 week block run by professionals. I can't even begin to put into words how beneficial this would be for us.

It's every Friday. I can't go because I'm in work. I've spoken to my boss and there's no way I can get one day a week off for 12 weeks (understandably obviously).

The lady I spoke to was taken aback when I said I work and she also didn't really 'get' my predicament. She even asked with almost raised eyebrows "You can't make one session a week for your daughter? Really?"

There are over 500 families who are eligible for this course. There are 12 spaces and our family have miraculously been selected. I feel so upset and angry that I'm going to have to turn this course down despite being desperately eager to attend all because I've got a fucking job. We have no other support.

AIBU? I feel crushed about it

The number of people suggesting unpaid leave is astounding - and the OP has already clarified that they can't afford this (even if they hadn't then it would be nice if people realised that not everybody is in a stable enough financial situation to afford the luxury of unpaid leave).

OP, what a shitty situation to be in - I'm afraid I don't have any other suggestions other than does DD have an OT? (I would hope she does). Can they suggest anything time appropriate for your working hours in your area?

I guess the woman running the vital course probably thought:
Why wouldn't a parent take annual holiday or unpaid leave to go to a vital course to help her child who suffers from autism, which will benefit them all massively.

I say this a my sibling runs this exact type of course, these people who run the course generally work full time, my sibling spends hours out of her work hours putting the coursework together. She's at the show at excel this weekend (her day off) to gather information to help parents.

This course is incredibly vital and lacking in spaces and I would struggle to understand why someone wouldn't go, as per everyone pointing out the rules on unpaid leave etc.

i don't understand why you're not miffed with your boss for not realising that you now will have endless things like this coming up for a very long time.

I feel fucking sorry for a lot of people who work in the NHS. Everyone seems to think everything should meet their individual needs and it just simply can't. There is not enough money. They are hugely overstretched and to even get offered the opportunity to go on this course is an amazing thing.

alright Bumdishcloths
Take anual leave! It all depends how important you think the course is.

If you don't think it's important
Don't take the anual leave
If you're boss is one who won't let you take a day off for holiday for 12 weeks then you really should think about how your work fits with your child's long term disability

Lots of people with children with long term disabilities have had to give up work. Or had to take jobs that are more flexible. I doubt they wanted to

I'm so glad I found this thread because this is my exact experience OP! I'm lucky to live in an area where there are some lovely support groups and lots of ASD courses, none of which are much help as everything is run during the day. My work have been incredibly understanding about things like hospital appointments, but there's only so much flexibility they can give. And unpaid leave or going part time at work just isn't an option.

I understand their position. Without the funding, they simply can't afford to also offer evening and weekend courses. I just feel a great sense of guilt as if I'm not doing everything I can for DS by not attending. But with 20 days holiday to last me all year, there's not much I can do.

Like I've clearly stated previously Holdingon, I don't get annual leave. As much as I would love to quit my job and focus fully in DD, my mortgage isn't going to to magically pay itself.

Presumably you're a teacher? If so ring your union and ask what they suggest.

Parents of children with ASD (and other disabilities) are often struggling to spin plates with their working hours as a matter of course.

op has already said that she can't take unpaid leave. I once applied for unpaid leave to support my dc who has ASD. My employers (an organisation who work with children with SEN) were absolute arses about it. I got it but I had to fight my corner for it, even though it was my legal right.

'Why wouldn't a parent take annual holiday or unpaid leave to go to a vital course to help her child who suffers from autism, which will benefit them all massively. '

There's absolutely no guarantee that the course will help anyone who attends.

Ok I'll rephrase
Why wouldn't anyone take the risk of taking annual leave to go on a course which might help
If it doesn't seem to help. Dont take the full 12 weeks
The OPs post seems to be more about being pissed off with the professionals attitude, which is her right entirely

Ugh sorry I didn't see your post about annual leave.
If you are a teacher then I am shocked that your boss won't allow you provision and that's something you have to fight for. Especially as it's state I presume?
That's why unions exist?
My sibling has had lots of teachers who have been able to take the course.

Depending on the course, I wouldn't get too worked up about being there. I did early bird and while the course leaders were great, the actual course material is limited. I did not find it useful. That particular course needs to be run through the day as a member of staff from the child's school is supposed to attend.

As others have pointed out, courses should be run on an alternating basis so that all can attend. However, I was told that many evening courses were poorly attended because so many parents had issues with childcare.

I totally feel for you. I work full time and find juggling all the daytime appointments and meetings that occur as a result of having a child with autism a total nightmare.

We have just recently completed a 12 week parenting class for parents of kids with ASD. It was life changing for us and I believe all parents with a child with ASD should have access to them, not just for the course content but also for the peer support. It made my 12 weeks in work more pressured as I had to take days working from home and work late to make up the hours and my husband (who is self employed) did take a hit in terms of his earnings, however we applied for DLA and that payment essentially plugged the loss of earnings.

I would press home to your manager how important this is and request unpaid leave if you can for those weeks.

But I agree these providers need to offer alternatives for working parents.

Just to stress, I really can't afford unpaid leave. I've already taken a substantial amount to take DD to a huge number of appointments and meetings in hospitals, clinics and her school previously.

I'm not having a go at professionals at all, you've misunderstood that. I think the course is a fantastic opportunity and it really is brilliant that such a course has funding and are run by staff who work hard to provide such a great support service to parents.

My overall frustration I guess is aimed at the universe for me not being able to attend for various reasons. I would love if there was provision directly aimed at working parents who are raising DC with ASD who may not have the flexibility to attend.

Over and out

Notas I've found the same and also in same situation. Work with children with Sen - listen to judgement about parents missing meetings - but they don't apply same level of understanding me when I need it!

one of the course near me that you can book on for free runs in the evening in the local coffee shop (which I can not attend because of the children, but as they do plenty in school hours as well it does notmatter)

there should be a variety of times.

To those suggesting that professionals are right to expect parents to take time off work you need to educate yourselves. I take time off already for the endless meetings involved in having a child with disabilities medical appointments and unfortunately for when they are unwell as babysitters and nannies and family members cant cope with taking care of them. I work part time so i can meet their taxi from school and be here on pd days. I always feel guilty and worried that my employer will get fed up of us. I was offered an ot course aimed at parents to hive strategies for helping my dd with sensory difficulties. There was no way I could get the time off. It was mentioned that I had refused this help at a meeting six months later. This really pisses me off. I have bills to pay like everyone else.

The professionals are probably surprised you work, as a lot of parents are unable to even if that places then on the poverty line as their children's needs are to great.
When you say you can't afford it could you pay the mortgage and council tax? If yes I would do the course and live on pasta, increase your overdraft , use a credit card intrerest free and pay it off over a year.
Having a disabled child means making financial sacrifices ( as you have already done with appointments).
Do you claim dla for your dd? MRC and LRM is the most common award for s child with asd. That weekly amount is higher than losing a days pay as a teacher after tax.

Don't feel bad. They are crazy by only running a daytime course and expecting working parents to drop everything.
Try looking for charities in your local area that run courses. Also see if there is a FB group, we have 2 that are a great source of support. We find out about lots of courses via them.

That's a massively patronising and short sighted response.

'People with disabled children need to make financial sacrifices'

Oh give over, I'm sure the poor woman is already painfully aware of that. As for suggesting she blithely increase an overdraft that she may not have and take out a credit card you assume she qualifies for - you have no idea of her financial circumstances and should really consider being more sensitive.

I'm so impressed that you're holding down a ft job. That must be so tough for you.
We must have about 15 medical appts a year so I would really struggle to do a ft post.

Have you applied for DLA? Get help filling in the forms from CAB or Cerebra website.

Seven what?? Op should give up her work because the course she's entitled to do is during the week?? Sorry but wtf are you on?

IF OP felt that not working was an option OR a desire then she wou;dn't be posting here about it!

She has every right to work without shite like that to make her feel bad!

Yes it is a challenge to find a job that fits in with being the parent of a child with ASD. I've had to rearrange my part-time hours to attend EHCP reviews, multi-agency meetings, medical appointments, CAMHS appointments etc, as my employers haven't wanted me to take time off. It's not simply a case of one day here and there after all.
Luckily dh has been able to sort out the emergency pick ups from school when things have gone wrong. Presumably the op has all that to deal with, which may be why considering unpaid leave is an additional problem.

op should be applauded for holding down a ft job - not criticised.

Mrs no not give up her work, take the one a day a week unpaid leave.

Try reading my post MRSRoad one day a week unpaid leave is a financial sacrifice worth making.
I have three dc with autism there needs are very expensive. You cannot unfortunate expect to have the same earning potential if you have a disabled child. It's not right but it's the way it is.

*unfortunately.