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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So my dad is buying my brother a five bedroom house outside, AIBU to think wtf?!

79 replies

huuuulahoops · 15/06/2017 19:19

Just that basically...

OP posts:
SarfEast1cated · 15/06/2017 20:32

Is your dad quite traditional? Would he see this as a way of ensuring your brother's family 'grows' enough to provide an heir?

Hope you get an answer soon OP!

Just wondering whether said house is in a cheap area?

TizzyDongue · 15/06/2017 20:33

Well if theres no expectation of care it's a bit questionable.

Sorry I made an assumption Blush

BewareOfDragons · 15/06/2017 20:33

Sounds like your brother is the favoured child. Sorry, OP. That bites.

Original poster
huuuulahoops · 15/06/2017 20:34

Sarf, I don't really think so. No the house is only 40 mins from me in a slightly more expensive area.

OP posts:
user1495025590 · 15/06/2017 20:35

You don't really seem to know the details yet though.It may be your DF buying it and owning it, and your DB there paying/not paying rent.Does your DB have children? If so maybe he will buy something for you , when you do?
At the end of the day though it is your Dad's ,money to do what he likes with.It stinks, but that is the bottom line.

OCSockOrphanage · 15/06/2017 20:39

At 61, with two living parents, who were divorced 40 years ago, one of whom has remarried with a second family, the issue is unlikely to arise. DS is still at school, so lives with us and that probably won't change for a while, but to buy him a house with an annexe for us, no. We shall relocate I think, but having DS look after us is not currently a consideration.

For the OP, I think it's a bit of a slap in the face, but there is probably more to the story than we are being told. It doesn't sound equitable on the face of it.

CalmShambala · 15/06/2017 20:49

As a parent of 2 DC I go out of my way to make sure I treat them equally. Even now I won't even buy one a packet of sweets if one of them is with me on their own without buying one for the other. Sometimes I need to buy one a book or something and I make sure the other gets one too.

I plan to split my will down to the last penny and anything I give one (e.g. wedding contribution, deposit help) I will give the other the exact same amount.

If my DF did this I would go no contact with them and expect my own DC to do that if I favoured one over the other.

peterpancollar · 15/06/2017 21:00

Saying nothing means it will fester inside you since it obviously bothers you. DH refuses to discuss it anymore because it simply acknowledges (again) the unwelcome truth that MIL definitely favours her youngest to the detriment of her other children. It's not the money itself but what it represents - that somehow, he & his brother are not deserving of her love, time or money.

irregularegular · 15/06/2017 21:02

What's you financial situation though OP? Is it significantly better than your brother's? Treating siblings fairly doesn't always mean treating equally. Each according to need and all that...Both my DH and I have received less financial help than at least some of our siblings, but we're comfortably off and the couldn't have bought a house otherwise.

Nanna61 · 15/06/2017 21:08

This is of great interest to me! I have 2 DBs, 1 a millionaire in his own right, the other not, DH and I live modestly.
Non-millionaire DB has had a few failed enterprises, DPs gave him large amount of money towards a house. Before they did so, they explained to me and millionaire that when the last of them dies we would have equal amount each (with inflation) to DB first from the estate, he gets nothing apart from the remainder divided by each of us. We were asked to agree, which we both did.
Suggest you speak to them both and find out exactly what the situation is, keeping in mind he is not obliged to treat you the same if he does not wish to. I say that he is not obliged because currently my son will inherit all from our estate and our daughter nothing, owing to her drug addiction and drug addict partner. She has been quite evil toward us, only nice when she wants money, lies, broken family etc, etc. She doesn't know yet, shame I won't be around to see her face!

7461Mary18 · 15/06/2017 21:55

Also people leaving dependants out of their wills do need to know that there is a legal right under a 1975 Act to apply to court if you are cut out of a will to have modest provision made for you. A lady cut out of her mother's will recently got a large sum as she was living in social housing (although I do not agree with the judgment - she was hardly a babe in arms left with nothing - just because she had messed up her life I don't see why the law should interfere with her late mother's wishes).

7461Mary18 · 15/06/2017 21:57

Also remember in some families the eldest son has to inherit all to keep big estates together and secondly under sharia (5% of English popularion muslim now) law men inherit double what women do.

Greyponcho · 15/06/2017 22:06

Sounds pretty shit.
Worth a call to your DF to say "Dbro has just tried a corker of a joke dad - he says you're buying him a ridiculously expensive and massive house!" ...and see what he says.
If he says it's for th growing family, maybe ask when you get to choose which rooms are for you and your family that you can't afford to start?

yoyo1234 · 15/06/2017 23:32

Shocked at nanna61.

Legma37 · 16/06/2017 01:05

Nanna61 You sound utterly awful

7461Mary18 · 16/06/2017 08:11

Indeed, I suspect most of us agree about that but most parents want their children to have exactly the same as each other It makes things fairer. My parents always sent us all a copy of their wills every time they changed them too so there were no surprising in the familyafter a death. That's a good thing too. I did it when I made my new will earlier this year (and had my 4 sons make theirs).

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 16/06/2017 08:39

Can the two posters above tell us all why namna61 is awful and people should be shocked.
If it is about not leaving money to drug takers I think she could have the right idea. Who would want their hard earned money being used to assist the drugs circles. It is one way to make an attempt to strangle the drugs issue. I think inheritance is a reward more than entitlement.

thereallochnessmonster · 16/06/2017 08:45

Why not talk to your dad about it? Ask why he's buying for your brother, and why he thinks it's fair to treat his children so differently.

I know it's his money, but who does that kind of thing? At least without talking to their other dc about it first?

Guaranteed to cause arguments between you and your brother. Your SIL sounds like she's stirring things too.

EssieTregowan · 16/06/2017 08:49

My parents have given two of my siblings tens of thousands for house deposits. One has paid them back in full, the other is unlikely to ever be able to. They also plan to buy my much younger DB a flat outright when he is ready to leave home.

Guess how much we've had?

In the one hand I let it wash over me as actually we are comfortably off and own a large detached house (with an eye watering mortgage...), but on the other hand I do want to stamp my feet and cry a bit. I'm the eldest and until about ten years ago I was in a string of rented flats with two children.

They do help us out with odd bits here and there so I don't want to sound ungrateful, but its not in the same league at all.

TheLuckyMrsPine · 16/06/2017 09:16

Your brother may be the legal owner of the house but your father will have an equitable interest and be a beneficiary. They may be tenants in common. You really need to speak to your father and find out what the deal is.

Is your DB going to pay rent to your father? Is your father buying the house and they will all live in it together? Would you even want to live with your father like this? Does your father know that you can't afford to start a family? Have you ever asked him for financial help?

I think until you know the full details you should hold off feeling too aggrieved. Often there is more than meets the eye to these arrangements.

Unless DF has a history of treating your DB preferably?

artycakemaker · 16/06/2017 09:19

I would have to find out what the details are

Aeroflotgirl · 16/06/2017 09:23

Yanbu at all, very unfair to give to one and not the other, however it comes with an annex so I think he might be expecting your brother to look after him, as a result.

Roomster101 · 16/06/2017 09:24

On the face of it sounds very unfair. The comments regarding your brother "caring" for him are ridiculous- he is only 60 fgs.

rightwhine · 16/06/2017 09:25

Wow that would certainly strain things between you. I'd have to talk to my df. Resentment would fester so much.

I can't imagine my parents or pils doing that to us or us doing it to our dcs. I never buy exactly the same all the time as some pps have, but I do say to the kids it's swings and roundabouts. Its all roughly equal. Anything else would be grossly unfair and I can't see how you can do that without ruling relationships.

GoneDownhill · 16/06/2017 11:58

I know there should be no expectation of any help from your parents but, on the face of it, this sounds awfully unfair. Do you think this was your Dads idea or your brothers or a bit of both? Do either of them have form for this type of thing.

In my family there could be lots of things that could influence my parents wills - I'm much more well off than my siblings, my parents are semi estranged from another sibling, and they (quietly) really dislike another siblings spouse, they've also had to bail out two of my siblings from time to time for stupid things (i.e. Cash shortfall after booking V. Expensive holidays etc). Despite all these things their wills split everything equally. It really is the only way to do it - it's the 'normal' thing to do and the least likely to cause any upset. There are of course some circumstance where an unequal split would be more ok such as such as drug use or if one sibling has unique needs such as long term disability

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