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AIBU?

To think it's rude that dh

127 replies

OnlyLoveHere · 15/06/2017 17:15

Speaks to his son in French, when I can't understand it. I think it's unfair to the rest of the family.

For example on Saturday we were in the car on a long journey and dh started speaking in French he does it often and I'm sure he's only talking about minor stuff but it's not nice because I don't know. I also don't see why he would want things to be said but me not to know.

His son doesn't speak French as his first language and is much better at English but can speak fluent French, so it's not even for understanding something.

Aibu to demand he stops this. Me and my dd and ds all feel the same.

OP posts:
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hesterton · 16/06/2017 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuckeredAhole · 16/06/2017 07:32

Learn french and be proud your son speaks french. Why on earth would you want him to feel self conscious about it. You need to encourage language practice not be ignorant to it.

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LynetteScavo · 16/06/2017 07:40

I would say the DH should speak French to his son, except at the dinner table or on long journeys when there are others that don't speak French.

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KatharinaRosalie · 16/06/2017 07:44

So DSS has an English mother, lives in the UK, goes to English school I presume, has English-speaking friends etc. And he's still fluent in French - this is only possible because the dad made the effort to speak only French to him. I said it before, will repeat - getting your child to speak a language where you are pretty much the only source is really, really hard and you can only achieve it if you consistently speak to them in that language.

If DSS will now also be speaking English when visiting his dad, he will not be fluent in French for much longer.

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JoJoSM2 · 16/06/2017 08:08

OP, yes languages are very hard work to learn. Even learning for an hours a day, it would take you many years ( probably at least 6, if not more) to become fluent.

Having said that, you don't worry about becoming fluent at this point. All you need is some basic conversational French - the language needed for 90% of everyday family conversations is not that advanced at all. Probably only a bit over the level of GCSE. Even if you're rubbish at learning languages, you could get there in under 2 years with a lot of regular effort. It sounds like finding the motivation might be the tricky bit, though.

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OwlsinTowls · 16/06/2017 09:54

ThanksMsMay

What is wrong with using the term Spanglish? It's a mixture of English and Spanish that has it's own unique words, used a lot by Latino Americans.

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ThanksMsMay · 16/06/2017 10:07

I have ever heard a Hispanic person use the term Spanglish. They speak Spanish. I've only ever heard white people who have a year's school English and a couple of swear words under their belt use the term to show they can speak Spanish.

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ThanksMsMay · 16/06/2017 10:11

If Acrossthepond is learning from her daughter's 5 years of school English, I'd be shocked if she actually spoke that much Spanish. A lot of Americans think they are fluent because they don't get what fluent looks like. She's comparing apples and oranges, and I say that as an American from an area with high percentage of HispanicS

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/06/2017 10:23

We are an OPOL household. DH speaks Arabic to the DC and I speak English. I have picked up a basic grasp of Arabic over the years and am making efforts to learn it more formally. I have never asked DH to stop speaking Arabic because I don't understand all of what he says. I would struggle if someone asked me to continuously speak a foreign language to my own children so why should DH.

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Brahms3rdracket · 16/06/2017 10:45

Your husband speaks to his son in his native language and you think he's unreasonable. Fuck me you really take the crown for most unreasonable MN user up against a great deal of competition on these threads OP. Butt out of how two parents want to bring up their child.

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melj1213 · 16/06/2017 12:38

I have ever heard a Hispanic person use the term Spanglish. They speak Spanish. I've only ever heard white people who have a year's school English and a couple of swear words under their belt use the term to show they can speak Spanish.

I lived in Spain for 10 years, I speak "Spanglish" with my DD who was born there, it is a term that many people (English, Spanish, white and Hispanic) used when I lived there. You are generalising to every Spanish speaking person based on your anecdotal evidence.

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OnlyLoveHere · 16/06/2017 13:11

No they talk to each other in French and like I said I enjoy hearing it, I have a problem with it being used at a dinner table or on a car journey. Because it excludes me and my kids from the conversation and it's difficult having two conversations in a car.

I would love to learn french and have picked up enough to understand basic terms. I think its great to be bilingual.

OP posts:
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ThanksMsMay · 16/06/2017 13:19

Spanglish is actually an American term used to describe the mixture of Spanish and English in America. It's a specific term used to describe a specific situation. Large Spanish speaking communities and the way it works in America. The fact that you used the term incorrectly isn't actually relevant to what it actually means In America. It is very difficult for a person to fluently learn a language from a minority where they aren't living with the person or actively engaged in years of education. Being in a community where the language is sometimes spoken around you is not the same as learning the language. I've also picked up lots of Spanish words around Spanish speakers... I do not speak Spanish and if I told a Cuban American I spoke Spanglish they'd probably die laughing.

I should hope after ten years in a Spanish speaking community you actually speak Spanish and while you may chop and change at home thats nothing like what Acrossthepond is describing.

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AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2017 13:33

I don't have a daughter thanks. And I learned my Spanglish from being an American growing up and working in a mainly Mexican American community in which Spanish was routinely taught in elementary school. I would never say I was fluent. I would say I was 'able to communicate'.

I wasn't aware that my linguistic abilities were the subject of this thread. Hmm

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category12 · 16/06/2017 15:31

I would love to learn french and have picked up enough to understand basic terms. I think its great to be bilingual.

Then what's stopping you? You have a brilliant resource right there in front of you in your dss and dh - participate as a family instead of feeling excluded, join in.

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ThanksMsMay · 16/06/2017 16:14

Across your abilities are relevant because you didn't compare like for like. It would be bizarre for you to insist on speaking bad Spanish to a non Spanish speaker in from if your son and husband.

But if you left your husband and moved your children to Mexico would you really never speak a English in front of your new Mexican husband?

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ThanksMsMay · 16/06/2017 16:15

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to be forced to speak your second language the time?

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ThanksMsMay · 16/06/2017 16:15

All the time.

Also the Spanish you learned you learned because people spoke Spanish around you. Were they rude to do so?

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PicaPauAmarelo · 16/06/2017 16:47

I live abroad, I speak to my children in English, we all speak Portuguese but we don't talk to each other in Portuguese if we're alone. If we're around friends or DH's family we'll talk in Portuguese to be polite but if I hadn't seen them for a while or wanted to have an in depth or personal conversation, then it would 100% have to be in English.
I think neither of you are right or wrong. You can't tell a French man not to speak to his child in his language, imagine if you were being required to speak a second language to your own child. It's difficult to do. On the other hand you were being left out. Maybe just say you feel a bit left our when you're in a situation where there is a chance for you to join in the conversation, could they consider speaking English.

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FrancisCrawford · 16/06/2017 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 16/06/2017 17:23

I've tried to learn french and found it very hard I would love to be fluent.

Try harder.

Forgot his kid for a moment. You and your kids have the best opportunity you'll likely ever have to acquire bilingualism - for free - presented to you in the form of your French husband and you're moaning about it.

Why should he have to be the one to speak your language all the time anyway? Where's the give and take? Learn French!

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Want2beme · 16/06/2017 17:29

I speak another language but I wouldn't do it in front of people who don't speak it. I know a couple who speak 3 languages with their children In front of other people - now that's rude.

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KatharinaRosalie · 16/06/2017 18:03

I speak another language but I wouldn't do it in front of people who don't speak it - not in any way comparable situation. I speak several languages, of course I would not choose one that most people around me won't understand just for fun.
But if you are French, live in England, want your children to speak French, but switch to English every time you are not alone with your children - then they simply won't speak French. Kids are lazy, of course they would take the easier way out and speak the language of the country they're living in. It takes a lot of consistent effort to ensure they speak your language as well.

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AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2017 18:05

This is my last comment on this.

I learnt my Spanish in school and by being included in conversations with Spanish speaking co-workers and friends. By them translating their remarks for me and teaching me the words to use to answer them.

IF I were to marry an non-English speaker and IF he were to indicate to me that it bothered him if I carried on conversations he couldn't understand, then I would translate whatever I needed to translate so he didn't feel excluded.

I'm done.

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Broccolirevolution · 16/06/2017 18:10

We must be rude in our family. The kids are bilingual, I have good French. We speak French or English as we wish. DH has bad French, and will just ask us to clarify if he wants to know. The rest of the time he's just impressed by his kids knowledge.

Seems like we might be considered rude by mumsnet standards. It won't change us though, dommage Wink

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