Ambeare I do not agree with you.
I was very shy at school and had few friends. In my later teens I made a big effort, and continue to do so, to organise activities and join in with conversations etc.
I've had to allow for the fact that I cannot be in on everything and I cannot always include everyone but as much as I can I do try and not leave people out and try and create spaces where people can come together.
This has helped to make me more confident, which I never was at school.
Being dyslexic meant school was a bit of a nightmare for me!
Because I am naturally extrovert (energized by being around people) it is easier than for people who are introvert.
I think what does breed is confidence, confidence breeds more confidence. But there is a trick to confidence, you can (to some extent) control this. It is important to be able accept that sometimes things will not go your way, and to not be too upset by this. To be to some extent self reliant and resilient, which you can encourage and grow.
A small example of confidence is that it is the way you project yourself, but you do need to feel it too! So one may project a confident exterior but if you do not feel it others may spot it. So instead of starting with putting on a good show start from the inside out.
I'm valuable and important, I'm the most important and valuable person in the whole world (to me)! I am good at some things and I can show this by doing what I am good at. So I can make myself look nice and when I do that I usually feel better about myself. I can join in in conversations and play a part. If I feel like I am not welcome I may leave that group, but before I do that I will look for a new group. If there is no obvious group I can create one. I can create a group around going out to the pub, cinema, running club, whatever.
It really is about self belief and being comfortable and happy with oneself. That is very appealing and once you start to really feel this, and display this, others will be drawn to you.
I used to be always apologizing for myself. I would draw attention to the fact I am overweight, I would say sorry if I messed up a shot in tennis, I would dismiss compliments - e.g. Lovely dress, oh this old thing it came from a charity shop 10 years ago!
Then one day I played a sport with a woman who apologized constantly for missing the shot or whatever! My goodness it was exhausting listening to her saying sorry all the time. It totally detracted from the game!
I learnt a valuable lesson that day and I now try and not be all apologetic, I try and speak my mind as kindly as I can and I don;t apologuise for things that are not my fault.
I do not now feel I must join in everything and it's fine for me to sometimes be on the fringes.
So I guess I feel all these are things that can be learnt and actually what makes you popular at school may be things sometimes outside your control! Kids that are popular at school may be because they are attractive (kids, well I have certainly heard girls) are attracted to other girls who are attractive! Maybe having a dad or mum who offers lifts, or opens up their home. Maybe being good at sports, naturally, or able to do funny voices.
As you get older these things do not necessarily make you popular but by this point said children have learnt, 'how to be popular'! They may command it by being confident, expecting it, avoiding people who do not treat them well because they are confident that others will appear who will treat them well.
I do firmly believe we sometimes get what we want but often get what we expect. People treat us as we allow them to treat us, we have more control than we expect. This is not to victim blame, some people are unfortunately victims of other people's cruel or shitty behavior, and it is not their fault. But in normal relations we can alter our world and control some things about us and about life, and confidence, once learnt, is so very useful.
Just my middle of he night, I cannot sleep, whitterings!
