Once unpopular always unpopular

[Ambeare]

AIBU? I think some people will always be popular.

They attract friends easily at school, uni, work, clubs the school gate.

Others including me always hover at the outer edges of any social circle feeling tolerated rather than included.

I don't think there are people who are very popular during one setting and ignored in others.

AIBU?

Yes, I was unpopular at primary school and then changed schools and was unpopular at secondary and have been unpopular in every job that I have had. I'm just not the sort of person that anybody would ever like and always will be.

I agree with pps that those who are genuinely popular - charming, confident, good social niceties - will remain so. It isn't just about being 'nice' though.

But some adults continue to behave like 'the popular crowd' long after anyone gives a shit. I had a colleague who was stupidly cliquey. She would deliberately bring up social events that had gone on outside of work and did not relate to work but which had involved some colleagues. It was so transparent that she was basically saying 'me and xyz are such good mates outside of work.' And making it clear that not everyone was invited.

She would loudly ask about people's families/personal lives using first names and little details as if she knew this person really well. However at the same time it was fairly clear that these colleagues liked her but really only saw her as a colleague and didn't think of her as particularly special one.

Equally I have known colleagues who are 'popular' because they are bullies. They draw people into their inner circle by lavishing affection in them and then control this inner circle with tantrums and drama. I was a little bit in love with one colleague for a while before realising what she was doing. Now when I think back I think 'what a bitch'

At secondary school, barely 11 I had periods, boobs, was embarrassed walked hunched over to hids them, this was in the 60s, when puberty didnt usually rear its head till 16, I had acne and greasy hair (naturally!) Wasnt sporty or particularly clever, but it was the girls who were plus beautiful who were popular, fawned over, I was really shy, from the back with my blond pony tail was the double of the sporty etc etc one, who was the trampoline queen, and girls would swoon, and say "Ooooh, I watched you on the trampoline last night", I did 'fess up it wasnt me. My youngest DD was particularly gorgeous, slim geniune siz 0, but with DD boobs, (a lot of her classmates at 16 had "boob jobs", so she wasnt popular with the girls, she had a couple of female friends, and the rest of her friends were boys, and they were "real" friends, they werent trying to get in her knickers, now she is just really popular because she is so NICE, not a bitchy bone in her body.

claraelsa - Yes, I was unpopular at primary school and then changed schools and was unpopular at secondary and have been unpopular in every job that I have had. I'm just not the sort of person that anybody would ever like and always will be

Do you ever think (or take action) into why you're unlikable?
I can understand not being popular, but for no-one to like you is sad. Having friends is healthy. You don't need many of them.

Interesting - I seem to attract lots of friends - sorry if that sounds big headed but sometimes I get overwhelmed with people asking to meet up with me for a coffee, join something I go to etc etc. I know that sounds really arrogant but I guess I am socially confident, I have no problems joining new groups, going to things on my own - we move around a lot due to the nature of our jobs so I guess I have just got used to it. I am always happy to 'do things' like joining a committee, helping at fund raisers, giving lifts to people - so I guess that helps to make me 'popular'.

I do find some people are very shy, lack confidence, aren't able to make small talk etc and perhaps that is why they are seen as 'less popular'. Also I am prepared to be friendly towards anyone yet many people seem to have a 'tick list' of what makes an acceptable friend - my DH has very few 'friends' but in my opinion he only wants to meet people who are exactly like him, he won't tolerate any different point of view.

I'm not sure what the answer is, it's hard to 'improve' your self esteem if it is low - I wonder if it is genetic as my DPs are incredibly outgoing & popular - they are in their 80s but lead a very busy, active life - still meeting up with their university friends and even now joining new activities and volunteering .

Italian greyhound thank you for the perceptive, thoughtful advice. I'm going to pass it on to my niece, who is suffering at the moment.

Incidentally we have an Italian greyhound and he is the most popular person in our house! He is not very popular with other dogs though as he thinks he should always be top dog- sorry I digress!

I am neither popular nor unpopular, I have friends I like to spend times with, but I have found as I go on in life that the people who most want to make more friends are "needy" friends...

People who always need "a quick favour", the kids picking up from school, someone to be in for a delivery etc etc. so as time goes by I'm tending to stick with the friends I have, not adding more to the mix - which is a little sad.

I think it's all about positive & negative energy that people give off.

You can just tell when someone is going to be hard work, from an initial introduction

TBH this may also sound arrogant, but I don't really want to add more to the mix either. It takes a lot of work and time to keep friendships going. In the last couple of weeks I've been trying to be a good friend to a couple of long term friends who are going through a hard time and need a bit of support. Doing this, plus looking after elderly parent, plus two kids takes time and effort. So when there are lots of other offers coming in for a quick coffee and catch up I just don't have the time just now. I'm happy saying no to things and living in the moment as to what suits me at that time. Lovely to be asked though.

Thank you for all the insightful posts lots of food for thought . I guess IAB a bit u in thinking once unpopular always unpopular.

I agree that some people have an aura which maybe due to "naturally playing out some very subtle social cues. " as Silver suggested.

I suppose it is also about fitting in.

I have always thought that if you happen to have the right 'assets' that are desirable in a social setting people will accept you more easily. For example, in a job environment or at Uni and even doing sports or music, if you a are good at the what you are doing you will be sought out and get included.

I have experienced this at various times but the problem is that I although. I like socialising I am exhausted quickly (probably introvert) and question myself and how I might have been perceived afterwards. So when people approach me I withdraw slightly and when people ignore me I get anxious and feel sidelined.

Maybe I just haven't the necessary social skills.

This has started bothering me mostly because I worry that ds will be left out at school. I am certainly not part of the the 'inner circle' of mums at school. Because of this ds doesn't get invited to many playdates or parties.

When ds started primary school one of the mums viscously gossiping about me. I have no idea why as I had not previously spoken to her much but she seems to hate me for some reason. Unfortunately for me she knows absolutely everyone around here and people who had never met me before turn away from me when I attempt to chat to them at the children's birthday parties or at the school playground.

That has made me incredibly anxious and eager to please but I mostly feel like an idiot in the school setting.

But that is not really the problem I think it is something to do with me fundamentally. Even though I believe i am genuinely nice and try to be there for friends in need, help out when needed and don't gossip in a negative way about others, I feel barely tolerated. Maybe it's because I am insecure and people pick up on this. Also since having kids, i have less patience as I am tired and exhausted most of the time.

I can't see myself changing much so probably have to accept this..... or?

Hopefully it won't affect the dc's social potential.

Same as previous poster in that I wasn't or never have been popular nor unpopular, I can socialise very easily and get along with most people but I personally keep my distance other than that ,from getting involved in groups or for example people at the school gates.

I can't be doing with group cliques/pecking orders. I have my few close friends and we understand each other without a pecking order which works for me ☺.

I can just as easily fly solo doing things separate from my social circle.

I think sometimes you can find your 'niche'.

I wasn't popular at school but then went into a specialist career and found many like minded people. I would say at work I feel popular. Now I have to brace the school gates and I find with the other school mums it feels a bit like I used to and I feel on the fringe again.

Just read you update op,Your dc will hold their own at school as long as you don't pass negativity onto them. My dc who is a bit of a square in a round whole socially and educationally is well liked and known at her school, she shines even though she doesnt fit in with the norm, Hope that doesn't sound like a boast I worry about her alot but what I mean is your dc will find their way.

I think it helps to care less op about being liked, be yourself do some self assessment of your behaviours maybe read some books on this. If you aren't accepted as you are by others atleast you can accept yourself.

I was horribly unpopular at school. I made friends at university but didn't keep them. I now have a great group of friends and would consider myself 'popular' in my current workplace, but this is not true of everywhere I've worked. So personally I don't agree. It just depends if the people you are with are likeminded I think.

No you just need to find 'your people'

This is such an interesting thread as it is a question that has been playing on my mind a bit recently.

Hunger''s post above has really made me think.

I am like many others on here neither popular or unpopular. I have plenty of friends and go out regularly. Honestly until recently I have never given it much thought as I am very happy with my friends.

My dd could be described as quirky (if i am being honest she is very different to other children she is actually very aware she is different and is OK with it) she is probably on the spectrum (undiagnosed as we are not in the uk) she has some issues with boundaries and reading people but she also stimms when excited (rotating her hands quickly) it is very obvious and happens very often. However she has lots of friends, is regularly invited out or has friends over and is also neither particularly popular nor unpopular.

I remember my mum saying to me when I was a child that she was surprised I had friends as I never seemed bothered. I was happ to go along to anything I was invited to but equally happy to stay all weekend at home reading, playing, listening to music. My dd is exactly the same - we are both equally confortable alone and with friends and it's led me to wondering if the key to having good friends is not needing friends (but having them because you enjoy them)?

Ds is the opposite and drives me mad with his need to have someone to play with (he is always begging me to text friends mums). I know i am biased but hes a real sweetheart (and much more easy going than dd or I) yet he often comments that people don't like him or he isn't included in things . But if I am exhausted by his need then maybe his friends are too!

I always thought it would be dd who would struggle so it just goes to show it's not as simple as fitting in.

Do you ever think (or take action) into why you're unlikable?
I can understand not being popular, but for no-one to like you is sad. Having friends is healthy. You don't need many of them.

No, not really. My own parents can't stand me so why would anybody else want to like me?

I was a socially awkward child and certainly wasn't popular. The biggest problem was that I hated myself. The turning point for me was going travelling on my own. I went all over the world and it forced me to be brave and approach new people, strike up conversation, make friends quickly. I had a ball, met loads of people and realised that you can't be everyones cup of tea all the time but there will always be someone on your wavelength. I was ok just being me. So I learned to like myself and not give two hoots for those that didn't, they don't deserve a place in my life anyway. Whilst I wouldn't say I'm little miss popular, I have a small group of close friends and I'm happy with that.

I seem to be very popular in some groups and not others - I guess I have a "marmite" personality - I've got a slightly odd sense of humour, I've always been a bit of a non-conformist, I'm loud, I dress a bit weird, and I am terribly contrary at times.

I was incredibly unpopular at school until sixth form when suddenly it all changed (not sure why). At uni I made no friends for the first term, then found a bunch of oddballs through a society and clicked. I currently work in a creative profession in a slightly quirky office and get on great with my workmates - have dinner, drinks, text etc - but was explicitly excluded from workplace socials in another office I once worked in.

I think you mostly just need to find your people.

I was badly bullied at school and lots of kids liked me but didn't want to talk to me as I was the outcast and they didn't want to go against the majority.

I have a successful career and lots of friends now but those school days will haunt me for the rest of my days

I'm curious do you think "being popular" relates to being an extrovert??

My popular friends definitely seem to be natural extroverts.

claraelsa when you say your parents can't stand you I think you have your answer. It's nothing to do with you not being likeable. You're probably a lovely person, eager to please but with a vulnerability and neediness about you that makes social predators smell blood. When you have abusive parents (and your parents did abuse you) it's very hard to defend yourself against similar behaviour from others, because you've been taught to think you deserve it. You don't.

GALLICO
Thanks for such a perceptive post. I wonder how many people who feel unpopular,disliked, friendless also had parents who made them feel unlovable.
How did you know this Gallico? Are you a Therapist? How do people change their lives so they can have friends if this is the reason?

It's something I've given a lot of thought to lately. I was reading my personality profile and apparently we (ENFJs) are charismatic. Well, it'd be nice to be charismatic I thought!

As Gallico posts, I think I have the answer to something I couldn't quite figure out there. I have friends who rationally aren't funnier, or most outgoing, or better conversationalists, but their parents loved them enjoyed their personalities. My parents dissuaded me from ever taking a risk, having an opinion, they discouraged me from ever expressing a single need, I had and probably to a degree still have Nice Girl Syndrome which probably comes across. Even though I'm 90% over it and I wouldn't stay in any friendship or relationship that was bad for me. However there is probably still a strong whiff of 'mummy mummy please love me, daddy please approve''
Recently I stayed 5 months in a job I hated so much I got a stutter. I turned up every day on time and I tried my level best and I was polite to everybody and when the manager sacked me she was so cold and ruthless. Food for thought here. Thanks all

I'm an extrovert and I agree that doesn't automatically mean 'popular'.

I feel on the periphery of things. I don't think this hurts me more than it would hurt an introvert!!