Once unpopular always unpopular

[Ambeare]

AIBU? I think some people will always be popular.

They attract friends easily at school, uni, work, clubs the school gate.

Others including me always hover at the outer edges of any social circle feeling tolerated rather than included.

I don't think there are people who are very popular during one setting and ignored in others.

AIBU?

I wasn't popular at school at all - I had a few friends but was never in a group, but I met some more likeminded friends out of school when I was about 15 & it went on from there. Most of my 'old' friends are from then and I find it quite easy to make friends now - I have some good 'mum'friends and I think I'm well liked at work. Have been in my job for a year and am invited out, to parties etc.

"No, not really. My own parents can't stand me so why would anybody else want to like me?"

*Clara .

I also wonder if it is an introvert / extrovert thing.

Muggins I can't claim to any special expertise other than a lifetime of coping with being, you might say, different. My parents loved me and while they weren't perfect (overprotective and a bit wary of any friends I managed to make) they were never abusive. Nevertheless I have a sensory impairment and came from an immigrant background that was very different from my peers. I struggled to make friends. And yes, I got bullied. I have sometimes wondered if I have some form of ASD but I think it more likely that my disability puts me permanently on the back foot socially. Hence my preference for quieter surroundings, smaller groups (4 at most) and text and face-to-face rather than the phone.

I think if we were honest most of us can only handle a few close friendships. If you chat to more than 50 people regularly then they're likely to be more surface friendships; nothing wrong with that if it's what works for you, but nobody can be BFFs with hundreds of people, it's impossible.

And the definition of popularity is getting confused between the well-liked and the skilled social game-player. Is Ms Popular actually likeable or is she manipulating others into thinking she is? Because it's the needy and honest among us who mistake the one for the other and unwittingly show the latter up for the self-centred fakes they are.

Sorry about the ramble. As you see, I have no easy answers. You just carry on living, keep hold of your authenticity and treasure those few who really get you. For some of us it's a struggle.

I'm a natural introvert. I enjoy time alone or with just my DS's and find too much activity/company really stressful. I was very unpopular at school. It started at primary school when my dad died and the queen bee of the class convinced the others that it would somehow rub off on them. I was excluded at the most vulnerable time in my life and it stuck. After a year or so they just bullied me anyway, maybe having forgotten the original reason. As I got older they picked on my looks, one of the worst things to do to a teenage girl. I was called ugly every day and they got the boys involved to say they would never look the side I was on, I was a minger etc. By the time I got to college I had only a couple of friends but they were very loyal bless them. And at college I met my people. By A levels I had a group I hung around with, a look that suited me and even a boyfriend 😂 But I am still marked by the bullying and worry far too much about what others think. I expect to be unpopular because it's what I was conditioned to expect for so long and I'm just not a social animal. I'm not comfortable in social situations and just prefer a night in with a good box set to a party.

Silverdream what as these tiny social cues your friend has? I am curious.

I was in the usual three-friend pack once at primary and once at high school. In both cases the girl in the middle of the three was not more beautiful or nicer. In both cases what the girl in the middle had was, confidence.

claraelsa "I'm just not the sort of person that anybody would ever like and always will be." I hope you are happy in life but if not, you know you can change things. Your perception of yourself may be different to the reality, and may be scaring people off.

"No, not really. My own parents can't stand me so why would anybody else want to like me?"

Sadly, I feel your parents have done this to you, by not loving or caring for you in the best way they have made you feel you are not of value. I am so sorry because it is not true. Please get some counselling to challenge this negative thoughts.

HONESTLY, your parents have failed you if they did not manage to make you feel loved; you have not failed. Please address this in your own life. You do not need to carry this burden.

user1471558723 "I'm going to pass it on to my niece, who is suffering at the moment."

I hope it goes well. I am not an expert, just a bit of a people watcher!

Please tell your niece to test things out, if it doesn't work for her she may find a different way. It's no good being fake, liking things others like just so they will like you will get you a load of friends you have nothing in common with. But having confidence to go for what you want, and enjoying life, that is sometimes appealing for others. Plus being a good friend, but not a pushover!

"Incidentally we have an Italian greyhound and he is the most popular person in our house!" They are very handsome dogs, I feel, very elegant.

OP "That has made me incredibly anxious and eager to please but I mostly feel like an idiot in the school setting." This other mum is awful and I am so sorry for you in this. But you really must not feel like an idiot. The woman who gossiped about you is the idiot. You may find you can be led by your son. Who does he like? Who does he play with at school? Invite he child and the mum (or dad) round fro coffee at your house or maybe just suggest going to the park after school. Try not to worry too much about what other mums may feel, focus on the mum who is present at your house or in the park and see if a friendship may come from it.

"I can't see myself changing much so probably have to accept this..... or? "

OR start to love and value yourself, start to appreciate all you are and treat yourself nicely, speak kindly to yourself (in your head) and do this for you because you are worth it. So worth it.

OliviaStabler so very sorry. I hope you can also get some counselling to move beyond that appalling treatment.

Muggins "How do people change their lives so they can have friends if this is the reason?" This was not addressed to me but may I say that counselling is very helpful for challenging the past and its negative affects on our lives. It can be costly but if you can find a training facility that trains counselors you may be able to get reduced rates. You can also use self help books, I cannot recommend any as I am not a big reader. (I am dyslexic) I do read a lot on the internet. It is possible to change one's feelings from the past but it does take time and effort.

I am not saying one can blot out the past, but rather learn to live with it and to not allow it to have such a negative influence on one's life.

Spenfj, was your boss within her rights to sack you? Why did you stay? There are lots of legitimate reasons to stay in a job one doesn't like. Can i ask - what did that job experience tell you?

DrCoconut, (fab name) I am so sorry. It is awful for anyone to be bullied for any reason.

I think these terms do all have very different meanings. Extrovert means that being around people energizes you. I think it is also how we process, we talk our thoughts, to others, and for me (if alone) I kind of run a 'talk show' in my head! Being alone too much feels hard.

Introvert means that lots of people drain you. You are energized by time alone.

Neither of these are popular or unpopular but being energized by being around people must make it easier to socialize and chat to people etc.

I think in a way what is important is to feel comfortable with the friendships one has and to feel comfortable in one's own skin. And if things from the past hamper your happiness, to seek solutions, talking therapies can work amazing miracles, IMHO.

I disagree OP. I think sometime being unpopular really affects self confidence which affects your ability to pick up cues that others like you and want to connect. Also we don't always find ourselves with our kinda people - at school I had loads of friends whilst at University I struggled and only had a few close friends but no proper group. Work was the same, one place I was part of a group that went out all the time etc and at a different place I hardly spoke. My DD is not particularly popular which used to worry me but she said to me the other day that you only need a few good friends, which made me realise she will be just fine.
Also what does popularity mean exactly? I have been called popular recently but I think it is based on the fact I can be good at small talk, appearing to enjoy myself and tell jokes etc but actually I feel like I don't belong and at the end of the night am exhausted at the effort of chatting with these people who I'm not comfortable being around and who I don't particularly like and who I suspect couldn't give a monkeys about me either.

I'm an introvert, but waffle when I'm nervous, then agonise for ages over stupid things I've said. Think "I carried a watermelon..." I'm actually reasonably articulate, honest! If I could just write notes to everyone, all the time, instead of talking I'd be fine

Also I find I turn down offers for nights out etc due to nerves, psyche myself up for "next time" then don't get asked again. Sometimes I do really click with people, (or think I do) but can't bring myself to ask them to go for a coffe sometime outside work/x club we both belong to/mutual friends parties. But they never seem interested in initiating either. I have one old reliable friend from yonk ago, and my family (including dp, ds and two pets), and loads of aquaintances. Does me fine. I don't drink now, and find drunk extroverts (dp!) annoying. I'm a nerdy bookworm, and think I bore a lot of people.

Thank you @Italiangreyhound

GALLIC and ITALiAN
Thank you for your posts they help a lot

Oliver and Muggins thank you.

It's important to remember I think that loving, or even liking, oneself is actually far more valuable than being popular!

If one likes oneself and then acquires the ability to genuinely care for others (without putting yourself down), you can be a dynamic person. Someone who helps others, orgsnises and participates in social events, cares for other people but does not become a door mat.

It is hard. We get caught up in the popularity game, being present at places we do not want to be, try ing to be nice to people we do not respect etc.

But if we can find our way to caring for ourselves and caring about others, and not caring when people we neither like nor respect do not like us, then we can be in charge of our own life.

To do so, we can steer our own ship and navigate life without having to always be at the centre of attention or having to bow to others!

Good luck, it does take a mind switch. If people, especially parents, have failed you, they are the failures. if you have been a victim of abuse in your family or neglect, or bullying, please get help.

If you were hurt and escaped, you are the victor you are free but you will need to heal, whether it was family neglect or bullying or whatever.

These things can be humiliating but I just really believe that there is healing out there, and we must always know when parents/enemies in the past or now attempt to humiliate us, they are the ones who should be humiliated.

Learning to love and truly value oneself is one of the most truly valuable thing we can learn as human beings.

claraelsa

No, not really. My own parents can't stand me so why would anybody else want to like me?

That really resonates with me, sister was the golden child, I was very much on the periphery, both at home and at school. However, that was NOT my fault, and neither is it yours. There is nothing wrong with you lovely, believe me; simply your parents are cunts, and have raised you to think you're unloveable.

Your not. Get out there, smile, be pleasant. Once I'd met my XH, and been welcomed into his family, I realised what it should have been like at home, and how it had affected my whole live. Meeting XH and his parents changed my life, I became more confident, grew to like myself, and learned that I was loveable. That affected how I felt at work, and I became very popular and liked.

It's left me with a life long intolerance of people putting others down, and a fierce protectiveness of my DDs. But really, that's fine. Be kind, I'll be kind. Be an asshole, and I'll never forgive or forget.

Please don't think you are not likeable. That's your parents voice inside your head. You ARE likeable, you simply don't know how, because you've never been taught x

'You're not', not 'your not'. I'm going to blame oxygen deprivation