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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In expecting friend to pay for her birthday meal?

60 replies

flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 18:46

I have a friend coming to visit in a couple of weeks.

I haven't actually seen her for a few years due to a falling out. Partially due to her always engineering situations where I end up paying for everything.

She's staying in a hotel for the night and wants to meet up to go for dinner. It's her birthday that day.

She's asked if we can go for a popular local food with me, dh and ds.

I want to tell the waiter when he comes to take our order that we'd like separate checks (this is common here, we do it with all of our friends).

Dh thinks this is a bit rude and as it's her birthday we should pay for her meal. I've got her a nice present so don't feel I have to. I also feel like paying for her meal opens the whole thing back up and we're back at square one with her not paying for anything every time she comes to visit.

Another thing is that the food she's asked to go out to eat is really bloody expensive. And we're quite skint at the moment.

Aibu?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 14/06/2017 18:48

Why isn't she going out for dinner with any of her close friends or family?

Has she not got anybody else left?

Just dump the user for good.

notknownatthisaddress · 14/06/2017 18:49

YABU.

VERY.

Coastalcommand · 14/06/2017 18:49

Could you return the present and pay for her meal as the present?

SenseiWoo · 14/06/2017 18:49

I would normally agree with your DH, but given the history and the fact you've got her a nice present I think you are right.

I would be very up front: you can't afford the expensive place at the moment, so are suggesting somewhere cheaper, and want to pay separately.

peachgreen · 14/06/2017 18:49

If she's coming to see you but paying to stay in a hotel then I think YAB a bit U not to offer to pay for her birthday meal, sorry. Why not say that you'd love to treat her to a birthday dinner but your budget wouldn't quite stretch to X restaurant, but how about Y or Z? Or offer to cook for her?

notknownatthisaddress · 14/06/2017 18:50

It's her birthday fgs. If you don't like her, why are you going out with her?!

Really mean to make her pay for herself on her birthday!

Ginslinger · 14/06/2017 18:51

she doesn't need a gift and a meal - I think it's fine not to pay for it.

pasturesgreen · 14/06/2017 18:52

It's puzzling that she's choosing to spend her birthday with someone who clearly doesn't like her much.

YABU.

Guavaf1sh · 14/06/2017 18:54

I think you're setting yourself up for a problem either way. Can you not do any other activity which doesn't have the potential for massive social embarrassment instead? YABU if you go to the meal and expect her to pay and the stress of expecting this would ruin any enjoyment you could have had from the night

Ellapaella · 14/06/2017 18:54

Personally if it was my birthday and I suggested to friends they come out for a meal I wouldn't expect any of them to pay for me, I'd be happy with their company.
I recently went on a friends meal with DH for her significant birthday to a very expensive and nice restaurant- friends husband paid for all of us, said it was his treat to her and wouldn't hear of anything else.
So YANBU to not pay for her meal. But I don't think that it sounds as though you like her very much!

fuzzywuzzy · 14/06/2017 18:55

YANBU, why are you meant to pay for someone just because it's their birthday?

Your gift is whatever you've bought her surely, tell her you can't make the expensive place and give her a cheaper option and everyone pays for themselves.

Did she pay for an expensive meal and give you a gift on your birthday?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/06/2017 18:56

Agree with other PPs why is she coming to see you for her birthday?

Original poster
flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 18:57

We did offer for her to stay with us and we'd cook for her. In fact she's cancelled (on the day) the last three times she was meant to stay with us. She'd booked the hotel without telling me she was coming, I've already rearranged a bunch of stuff for the weekend to see her.

Her meal is probably going to go way over £100 just for her share.

I've already said twice we'd rather go somewhere a little more low key.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 18:59

I don't think she has many other friends is all I can guess.

I've never had friends to for my meal on my birthday ever. And I've not ever paid for theirs. I didn't realise it was a thing!

OP posts:
drquin · 14/06/2017 18:59

I think you're going to have to be a bit more blunt that "I'd rather go elsewhere" that suggests a preference, not fussed, you decide ....

Not sure if there's a right or wrong in paying for her meal, given the present and your history. But even if your share alone is too much, you need to tell her that.

Original poster
flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 19:01

We can eat something different which will be a lot cheaper. There's a certain thing she wants that costs a lot.

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 14/06/2017 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peukpokicuzo · 14/06/2017 19:03

Yes be upfront saying you couldn't really afford to treat her to a birthday meal at X but would stretch to join her there if it's a Dutch treat - or you would love to treat her at (cheap place)

It's a bit off for someone to have to pay for their own birthday meal but this is a rational consequence for this person's previous freeloading

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 14/06/2017 19:05

I go out for a meal with friends on my birthday, and we all split the bill, it would never occur to me that they should be paying!
I agree that she could expected it tho, if she has a track record of not paying. I'd avoid doing it if you're not that keen on her!

Original poster
flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 19:06

Maybe it's a London thing to never pay for someone's birthday meal!

I've been out with her for several of my birthdays and never once has she paid for my meal.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 19:07

I've been out to well over a 100 birthday meals in my lifetime and never have been paid for or paid for anyone!

Maybe me and my mates are all massive tight arses. Grin

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 14/06/2017 19:10

Tell her you are busy that weekend.

NataliaOsipova · 14/06/2017 19:11

Maybe it's a London thing to never pay for someone's birthday meal!

I think it depends on how old you are - and how well off you all are, to be honest.

I've been out with her for several of my birthdays and never once has she paid for my meal.

Then the precedent has already been set and she probably won't expect you to. I think if you're upfront ("we can't afford to treat you if we go there, but happy to go along if that's where you'd like to go") then it's fine.

InMySpareTime · 14/06/2017 19:14

Does the restaurant do gift vouchers? Get her a £20 or £30 and give it to her in a card before you go in.
Smile sweetly and pretend you had no inkling the food she was after was much more than that.

Original poster
flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 19:17

Spare time Grinevil.

I like the idea of saying we'll pay if we go somewhere cheaper but she's got her heart set on a certain thing you get locally so would feel a bit mean.

I do like her, I'm just wary starting the relationship back up again.

OP posts:
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