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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In expecting friend to pay for her birthday meal?

60 replies

flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 18:46

I have a friend coming to visit in a couple of weeks.

I haven't actually seen her for a few years due to a falling out. Partially due to her always engineering situations where I end up paying for everything.

She's staying in a hotel for the night and wants to meet up to go for dinner. It's her birthday that day.

She's asked if we can go for a popular local food with me, dh and ds.

I want to tell the waiter when he comes to take our order that we'd like separate checks (this is common here, we do it with all of our friends).

Dh thinks this is a bit rude and as it's her birthday we should pay for her meal. I've got her a nice present so don't feel I have to. I also feel like paying for her meal opens the whole thing back up and we're back at square one with her not paying for anything every time she comes to visit.

Another thing is that the food she's asked to go out to eat is really bloody expensive. And we're quite skint at the moment.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 14/06/2017 19:18

YANBU. My suggestions, in order of preference:

  1. cancel the meal
  2. change it to a cheaper restaurant
  3. take lots of cash in fivers and tenners and pay for your own
  4. tell the waiter to split the bill when you arrive
VoteMe · 14/06/2017 19:20

If you are Saint then you are a bit daft to agree to o somewhere so expensive even if you are just paying for your DS, DH and yourself.

I think it's perfectly ok to either tell her you don't want to go there or to say that just you and not your DS and DH will Join her. Alternatively why don't you just be honest and say you don't want to spend so much.

If you really want to go with her to the restaurant then I'd just tell her before that you have a lovely present for her but that you would like to only pay for your own food and drink at the restaurant. Its not mean at all.

In my group of friends we would never pay for the person with the birthday, in fact if anyone is paying for anyone it's the person who has the birthday who pays for everyone else.

MudCity · 14/06/2017 19:23

Be honest, say you can't afford to join her at the expensive place. Be clear about what you can afford and stick to it.

Zoflorabore · 14/06/2017 19:23

I would send her a nice jovial text mentioning the choice of restaurant and saying that it's beans on toast for the rest of the month if you're paying for you, dh and dc to eat at x restaurant and you hope that friend gets the bloody hint that she will be paying for herself.

If I was going for a meal like this which sounds like a treat rather than a regular thing, I would not want to go through the whole meal worrying about how the subject of who's paying will come up.
Best to get it out of the way now.

From what you say about friend and her form in the past, she will probably be expecting you to pay! Really cheeky.

Is it a significant birthday?

StealthPolarBear · 14/06/2017 19:26

If she didn't pay for a meal for you on your last birthday why on earth would she assume you'd treat her

YouWouldntLetItLie · 14/06/2017 19:26

What is it she wants? Is it lobster? Or sushi? Or hand-massaged yak steaks or something?

If it's sufficiently exotic, you could invent an allergy to whatever it is - 'ooh, lobster, sounds lovely, but Terry can't go near it since that time in Mykonos - why don't we meet you at Pizza Express at 7.30?'

Or, you could just tell her you'd love to see her, but you're on a tight pre-holiday budget and you'd rather stick to somewhere cheaper. There's seriously nothing wrong with telling her that. And also saying, breezily, at the end of the meal, 'Let's get the bill, shall we? How do you want to split it? 70/30?' Then she's got to come out and say, 'Actually, I expect you to pay it all.'

Original poster
flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 19:28

We can afford to eat there, just not what she wants to eat.

Not a significant birthday.

Youcouldnt - yes it's one of those. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersformyweeds · 14/06/2017 19:29

And she knows we do eat it.

Just not in restaurants where it costs a small fortune.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 14/06/2017 19:29

'Dear Friend, thanks for asking us to come to celebrate your birthday at The Restaurant Expensive. It sounds lovely but just to let you know that it's somewhat over our current budget so we will need to ask for separate checks as we've done before. Looking forward to catching up.'

How hard is it to send something along these lines? Ime if someone invites you to a meal they are either expecting to pay the bill or split it, never that you pay.

So just tell her. And if you can't afford it at all tell her that.

Hiphopopotamus · 14/06/2017 19:31

Can I be nosy and ask what the certain thing is?

sonjadog · 14/06/2017 19:32

I suggest you text her and say that you´ve checked out the prices and you´d prefer to go somewhere cheaper as your budget doesn´t stretch to it at the moment, and does she know how much her meal is going to cost her there, because you were surprised at the amount she´d have to pay for it.

NapQueen · 14/06/2017 19:33

I wiuld just say to her "Im really sorry but I hadnt realised how expensive the menu was. Im shocked you are gonna blow £xxxx on that meal but obviously its your birthday so fair play you want to treat yourself. I really cant stretch to it, its been a lean month, so can we re-arrange for somewhere a bit more reasonable? I totally understand if you still want to go to XX and am sure you will find someone else to go with if you dont want to choose another restaurant with us"

NapQueen · 14/06/2017 19:33

Ah xpost!

Inertia · 14/06/2017 19:36

Matilda's message is perfect.

You've already generously offered to cook, so it's clearly not just your company she's after. If she has form for fleecing you for bills, you need to prepared to accept that she could just be visiting you because you're local to the restaurant that sells the expensive dinner, and she's hoping to guilt you into paying.

Inertia · 14/06/2017 19:38

Also perfectly normal where I'm from to split the bill, even if it's someone's birthday.

Mumzypopz · 14/06/2017 19:39

You have already bought her a present. You absolutely do not need to pay for her meal.... especially as you already offered her to stay at yours and you would cook for her. Just text her and say you are worried she is expecting you to pay for her meal in the restaurant and you have already bought her a gift. You are not her cash cow. It is rude of her to expect you to pay.

theclick · 14/06/2017 19:40

Why are you going with her if you don't get along? (Which is clear from tone of your post but correct me if wrong)

dangermouseisace · 14/06/2017 19:45

why not do a contribution to the meal if you can't afford to pay for her meal? Or better still, offer to cook her dinner at your house, and spend the money on nice booze.

Vanillaisboring666 · 14/06/2017 19:46

Does she known that her not paying her way was reason for falling out ? Seems bizarre her going for meal with you guys if you have only just made up ? As a pp said up thread what about her family /close friends ?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/06/2017 19:46

So it's one Kobe steak for her, and chicken and chips for your three?

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/06/2017 19:51

"Why not say that you'd love to treat her to a birthday dinner but your budget wouldn't quite stretch to X restaurant, but how about Y or Z?"

peachgreen's suggestion sounds good.

If she agrees, chose somewhere that you can afford for the four of you instead of giving a present.

If she insists on going to the 100 quid a head place, say that you'll go with her (without DH and DC, to make your share cheaper) but you will each have to pay for your own. Then give her the present while you are at dinner.

CoolCarrie · 14/06/2017 19:52

Usually the birthday girl pays for everyone's meal in my neck of the woods!

OlennasWimple · 14/06/2017 19:59

Don't be coy about it, or start inventing allergies. Just tell her straight up that you are looking forward to the meal but just checking that she plans to go Dutch on the bill? If you were feeling very generous, you could say something like you are assuming that you will be splitting the bill, but you would like to treat her to a cocktail to start, or a bottle of prosecco / nice wine with the meal

allegretto · 14/06/2017 20:10

Usually the birthday girl pays for everyone's meal in my neck of the woods!

Here too!

QuietNinjaTardis · 14/06/2017 20:16

I've been out for loads of birthday meals. My own and other people's. Never had to pay for the birthday boy/girl. Once my brother in law paid for everyone who came out but that was an unexpected and generous surprise for us all when the bill came. It was his birthday.
Message her beforehand to clarify and then update us when she gets pissy. which she will, we already know that

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