In expecting friend to pay for her birthday meal?

[flowersformyweeds]

I have a friend coming to visit in a couple of weeks.

I haven't actually seen her for a few years due to a falling out. Partially due to her always engineering situations where I end up paying for everything.

She's staying in a hotel for the night and wants to meet up to go for dinner. It's her birthday that day.

She's asked if we can go for a popular local food with me, dh and ds.

I want to tell the waiter when he comes to take our order that we'd like separate checks (this is common here, we do it with all of our friends).

Dh thinks this is a bit rude and as it's her birthday we should pay for her meal. I've got her a nice present so don't feel I have to. I also feel like paying for her meal opens the whole thing back up and we're back at square one with her not paying for anything every time she comes to visit.

Another thing is that the food she's asked to go out to eat is really bloody expensive. And we're quite skint at the moment.

Aibu?

In our group it is usual to pay for the birthday person's meal. The birthday person chooses the restaurant BUT none of us would choose a place where the single meal & drinks for the B-day person would run to $100.00! The hell with that!

Have you already told her you're going to XX place? If not, then a simple "XX is out of our price range, how about YY place?" should do it. If she tries to insist, you just repeat "No, we can't afford it".

If you've already said OK, then I wouldn't 'ambush' her by announcing at the table that you want separate cheques. What would you do if she announced 'I thought you were paying, it's my birthday' or worse yet at the end of the meal she announces 'Oh dear, I don't have enough money'. No, better to get it square beforehand that you will not be treating. You could always say "I bought you a gift, but if you'd rather, I can return it and give you the money to help you pay for your meal" or such.

What Mathilda said. Perfect. She's expecting you to pay for her if she's a pisstaker. Duh. She'll tell you, 'Well, I paid for my hotel!' But she invited herself.

Don't apologise, make excuses, offer compromises (we'll pay if we go to Pizza Express) or any such nonsense because people like this use any inch to take a mile.

Don't let her guilt you. She tries that on and say, 'That's a real pity. Was hoping we could bury the hatchet, but we are unable to pay for your meal. Looks like we'll need to cancel then.'

Ask for separate bills when you book the table. She comes up with some excuse not to pay, 'That's unfortunate, because we ordered separate bills since we couldn't afford to pay for your meal and made sure you knew that. Well, guess this is farewell,' and don't feel bad because she's shown her cards then.

It might be me but I don't understand friendships like this.
Good friends don't worry about paying for things for other friends.
From what you say, you are not friends at all.
Either take it as part of your friends charm, or move on.

I would sort this before hand.

Especially as your DH is expecting you to pay as well.

Then you know exactly where you stand.

Why not just text her and say, "to be clear we are all paying for our won aren't we?"

Why not get it over with to start - so sit down at the place and say "we'll treat you to a cocktail/fizz/all the drinks(perhaps not) for your birthday" - i.e. Make it clear that you're only paying for a portion - then DH is happy too.

I don't get the angst. You can't really afford that place at the moment, so don't go. Send her Matilda's message.

Then take her gift back and pay for her meal somewhere cheaper. She sounds like the type who will 'forget' her purse anyway.

And I think she's a bit odd wanting to go out with you, with your DH and DS in tow. What's that about?

Too late saying it on the night. Say it now. She doesn't sound like a friend tbh. More like she has run out of options, in terms of getting others to pay for her, and thinks she can start again with you.

I don't know if this is an "only on mumsnet" thing, but I'm always amazed how many people seem to have and socialise with "friends" that they don't actually like at all.

i eat out often for my/friends birthdays and have never paid for their meal