To want to leave my job because of my bitchy colleague?

[Weedgarden]

I started my dream office job 8 months and I absolute love the job. The problem is there's a woman there that took an instant dislike to me. No particular reason - when asked by other colleagues why she doesn't like me she says "I just don't like her". This makes things very awkward in the office and I often catch her making faces when I say something.

Anyway, the office tradition is that when it's someone's birthday everyone is invited from the office for a meal and drinks so at the weekend it was my birthday. I invited everyone including mrs bitchy and didn't hear back from her.

I thought enough was enough so I approached her one morning last week and said I felt there was animosity between us, I wasn't sure why but can we just bury the hatchet and try to get along. Her response was that there was no problem or animosity and made me feel abit stupid for suggesting that.

A friend of mine saw on Facebook that Mrs bitchy had put a status up on the Saturday night (she didn't come to my birthday meal) saying something like "Don't invite me to your shitty birthday meal because I won't come. I will be civil because my mum raised me right ✌🏻" It was deleted by the next morning.

I raised it with my office manager who said as it was outside of work and she didn't name me she can't really do much about it. I've taken today off sick because I just don't want to face her.

AIBU to just leave the job I love?

Here's the thing though: this is pretty much nothing to do with you.

This is all her; she's insecure, used to being heard and worried that you're young, smart and ready to shit all over her fiefdom. Offices all over the world have these people who try desperately to cling onto their embarrassingly small piece of power.

If I was you I'd do my best to style it out; smile, chat, show your worth and your kindness to everyone, and take notes.

Managers are often scared to tackle these people; there's no way you're the first, and if at some point this becomes a real issue, you'll have people kissing your feet forever if she's forced to pipe down or piss off.

This is textbook workplace bullying. Keep a record of all incidents, that includes face pulling, eye rolling etc. Might be worth having another chat with her but only if you can be direct and confident but not aggressive or get upset. If she tries to pass it off or disregard it then leave it at that. Simply end the conversation by saying that you disagree with her, you have felt animosity from her and if it continues you will have to escalate things and record your grievance formally.
If it makes you feel any better she is probably behaving like this because she is jealous of you!

OP try not to back down on this one, especially as you love your job. I had a similar situation with an older colleague. I put my big pants on, continued to be nice to everyone including the bitchy one (even though it was never reciprocated) and eventually her behaviour started to irritate everyone else who thought she was being pathetic and it calmed down... I think she realised in the end how stupid she looked!

Talk to who you want as much as you want; don't let her shut you up if someone e.g. asks how your weekend was.

Remain hard-working and enthusiastic, friendly to colleagues, and be polite and professional to her.

Keep a diary. I think she'll slip up eventually and something will happen IN work that your manager will have to take seriously.

That post of Facebook sounds a bit unhinged, coming from a woman in her 50s.

She obviously has deep seated issues, and she's just taking them out on you. Don't let her drive you out of a job you love with colleagues you seem to really get on with.

See her for what she is. A rather pathetic woman with problems or disappointments that she's obviously never resolved.

Look at the positives here - your colleagues are supportive and seem to like you. They're pulling her up on it not joining in. In fact I would hazard a guess that most of them went through the same when they were new starters.

She will be getting a kick out of seeing it upsets you. So just ignore her. Be civil and speak when you need to, but otherwise just carry on exactly as you would otherwise. Tell your colleagues about your weekend, smile, be happy. She'll soon move onto someone else.

You might want to warn her that the wind might change next time she pulls a face.

I agree with RebeccaWithTheGoodHair "I don't think you should leave but YANBU to find it upsetting."

I think your friend who told you about her Facebook status is either kind and felt you should know or bitchy and was string. Which do you think?

Either way, make it clear to your Facebook-reporting friend you do not want to know what this woman says or does on Facebook unless she names you in person in which case you only want to know if your Facebook-reporting friend will provide you with a screen shot so you can take it into work and see if this will convince them to speak to this other woman.

"She's been there 15 years, she's a lot older than me she's in her 50's and I'm in my 20's which is why I find her quite intimidating." Please start to read up on asseriveness and do not allow this woman to intimidate you at all.

If the job affects your mental health, by all means leave. Otherwise force her to be professional with you by being nothing but professional with her. Be the better bigger person and she will either have to shape up or ship out! She is creating this conflict.

No more chats about burring the hatchet. Make a point of inviting her to everything you would invite others to, in front of others, she can choose to come or not but all your colleagues will know you invited her.

Do not engage in any back biting or in office gossip and do not be passive aggressive with her. Give her no ammunition to fuel her dislike.

"I just find it so hard when someone asks me how my weekend was and I can clearly see her pulling faces when I talk I find myself just saying "fine" now rather than going into detail"

You know if she is pulling faces she is just making herself look silly.

I agree with RatherBeRiding "if you catch her making a face when you say something, stop, back up and call her on it (but nicely and politely!) "Is there something you didn't like/something you disagree with/something you find amusing about that remark, Bitch Colleague?" with a big smile on your face. She will look a twat, other colleagues will see her looking a twat, and you will have the moral high ground and the satisfaction of knowing that SHE knows you're not bothered by her bitchiness."

Then, move your chair so you cannot see her and speak about what you want to speak about. If you catch her making face just make a note of it. If it happens a few times go into HR and ask if you can be moved out of earshot, you can say you find her behaviour towards you unpleasant. They may not believe you but I think they should investigate. Can others see the face pulling.

She sounds utterly pathetic, why are you allowing her to silence you. You do not need to allow her to do this.

"Her husband and children are extremely pleasant and will often say hello if I see them dropping her off or picking her up. I just don't understand what her issue is, it's wearing me down"

Maybe her husband made a compliment about you? Weedgarden why does she not like you, who knows! Maybe she wanted the job you got or maybe you are younger, or slimmer, or posher, or better dressed than her, maybe you remind her a school bully or a woman a previous partner heated with. Who knows. Who cares.

Do not be rude or bolshy or passive aggressive, these things seek into your life too. Be nice, normal and rational.

If she is undermining you in the office it is an HR problem, compile your evidence/record of incidents, especially anything relating to work, where she is difficult and makes it hard for you to do your job, and be ready to talk to HR.

Your opening lines said you started your dream job and love it- this tellls me the answer to your question - don't leave! I have had similar incidents in my working life. It is hard, upsetting and in one particularly bad place made me ill BUT work through it wherever you can otherwise these people just do what they want. I agree with keeping an incident log, if nothing else it is cathartic! Carry on doing a good job, being friendly with others and if it escalates take it back to your manager. Join a union if you can for peace of mind and support if things get worse. Good luck x

Do NOT leave. Can't you report her for workplace bullying? Bullying comes in many shapes and forms.

In my experience, nasty people get really annoyed if you're extra super duper friendly to them . I used to have a colleague like this who basically ignored me, and if she wasn't ignoring me she was being nasty to me. I went out of my way to give her a huge grin every time I saw here, with a very cheery "hello!". It annoyed the shit out of her and gave me great satisfaction.

Cheated not heated!

She sounds like she's still in school

here's the thing - you can't 'win' with her. If she gets into trouble, you'll forever be the one who 'got her into trouble' she'll blame you not her actions towards you.
Having said that, you don't need to just accept this. You've had some good advice here but I'd start involving the rest of your office - in a very subtle way of course...
When she starts making faces, stop talking, look at her with concern (and a mumsnet head-tilt) and ask her if she's feeling alright, does she maybe have a headache? Do this every time - maybe alternate and ask if it's stomach ache, period pains, anything else? People will soon start to notice. But you will look kind and concerned, and she will start to look a bit deranged...

The rest of your office came out for your birthday? They obviously like you! Take in a cake, biscuits, nice fruit etc. and let everyone share. She won't want to join in... but she'll be missing out!

You're telling your story, and you see her pulling faces. You stop dead and say "Are you ok?" Are you unwell?" Are you feeling ok? Why? You looked a bit strange there for a minute. You're ok? You're sure? GREAT"

Then continue with your story. Her pulled faces are her power. Puncture them.

Keep an open Notepad file on your desktop. Make a note of every incident. My sister gave me that trick when faced with a bitch who sat opposite. You can't pull out a diary and write in it, it's too obvious. But nobody notices you tapping away and it means you can document it instantly.

X post with Alpaca!

OP, Is there someone who works with you who has seen the face pulling? I think that there might be as you said that Mrs Bitchy has been asked why she doesn't like you. Could you get someone to be a witness when you go to HR/Manager to put an official complaint?

As said by many, keep a record. Put a complaint in writing to your manager when you have some details.
www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment

This woman sounds jealous and is almost certainly a bully and your manager needs to put a stop to it.

In the meantime, go back to work, put on a brave face and be nice to everyone.

This would DEFINITELY be counted as bullying in my workplace. Some teams have this sort of shit happening so much we have it spelled out in our policy and get regular training on what to do about it, both as staff and as managers (not my team mercifully).

PP have given excellent advice - log it, in case she does something so egregious you need to report it and then you've got it all written down. Factual and do not include emotions: "Bitchface did X on (day) at (time) after I said Z."

And then just be as nice and as confident as you can. Be nice to her, don't freeze her out. Try to treat her with compassion as you would a snapping dog in pain - there's something wrong with her and this unpleasantness is the sympton. That's not to say you should put up with shit from her, she's clearly awful - if she does anything really awful that's when your diary comes into play and you make a proper complaint.

Also, your colleagues clearly like you. They went out willingly with work colleagues on a Saturday, FFS! I love my colleagues and have done that like, twice in the time I've been here.

what would people do in my situation, when the workplace bully is the boss?

SSd : leave. I know that some people will say fight back, report your boss, etc., but the truth is, if you don't get on with your boss you're better off leaving.

OP: this woman is 100% envious of you for something. Who knows what? Youth, attractiveness, intelligence, whatever. She probably hates the fact that her husband is polite and pleasant to you, and that makes it worse.

You could go down the road of complaining about bullying, but if your manager isn't interested now, it might backfire. As a previous poster said, your best option is to toughen up and show her that you won't be intimidated. Call her out when she pulls faces.

You tried to sort it out informally and she wouldn't accept the olive branch. Well, that shows you what sort of person she is. A previous poster is correct that offices are stuffed with idiots like this. Don't play her game. You must be doing well if she is trying to attack you. Keep it up!

I agree with what's been said here. Get back in there and show her and everyone else that you're made of bigger and better stuff.

Challenge her on her face pulling, openly. Take notes visibly and again ask her if she would like to work to resolve the problem she clearly has with you, or is she happy for you to just scale it up as workplace bullying...

Hate bullies! Hate them, hate them, hate them.

I had this kind of thing happen to me yeeeeaarrrss ago when I started as an office junior. Woman (again in her fifties!), just couldn't stand me. She liked to have a pop at me about anything she could think of in front of the whole office. She loved an audience. I was pretty quiet and timid back then so I'm guessing that's why she did it.

Anyway......I shouted back one day. Just snapped and told her she was a bully and needed to stop and what was her problem?? I did in front of everyone.
She couldn't even look at me, just sat there shuffling her papers. Horrible cow.

She kissed my arse every day after that.

nettle, I'm trying to leave but I can't get anything else

Oh I so wouldn't leave because of her. Make yourself popular around the office, be extra nice to the others. THAT will eat her inside

@ssd: I'd start looking for a job now, and then resign when I get one, then I will be sick for half of my notice period while thinking 'fuck you bitch!' at home while sipping my wine :)