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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband coughed phlegm into my face and mouth last night and it stank.

68 replies

TippyTinkleTrousers · 14/06/2017 09:59

We are going through a difficult patch at the moment but things are getting better. He kept sleeping on the sofa for a while which was making things worse but we agreed that he would stop doing it.

He smokes and several times a day he will get this sudden splutter cough and you can hear the phlegm in the back of this throat.

At 1am last night this happened. All over my fucking face, it went into my mouth. I could smell it for fuck sake.

I screeched in disgust and horror, he rolled over. I told him to sleep on the sofa. I wiped my face in the bathroom but my stomach was turning. It doesn't help that im in the first trimester and my stomach was turning before id even got to sleep let alone waking up to that.

I know im BU because he was a sleep and had no control over it, and this will be his argument but I don't care if he was in a coma, that was fucking foul.

I would tell him to stop smoking but that will cause a row that we cant afford to have at the moment.

My skin is still crawling.

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 14/06/2017 10:07

Well he needs to do something about it, doesn't he. Intentional or not, it's revolting for you.

Shoxfordian · 14/06/2017 10:11

Wow that's disgusting

I think he should be sleeping on the sofa if there's a chance of that happening when he's asleep!

ThatIsNachoCheese · 14/06/2017 10:11

That is fucking disgusting. Sofa until he gives up smoking, no question.

kaitlinktm · 14/06/2017 10:14

OMG - that makes me feel sick - what a disgusting man. It doesn't matter that it was accidental - how many times have you coughed smelly phlegm into his face?

Tell him that this is what will be in your mind next time he wants sex. [vomit face - do we have one?]

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 14/06/2017 10:22

You totally missed the beginning of this thread though, he would happily sleep on the sofa for the rest of time but its not healthy for a marriage and he'd only just started sleeping back in the marital bed.

We have issues that we are trying to over come, trying to get the 'closeness' back (i don't mean shagging,) and him sleeping on the sofa because of this will be 2 steps back.

im in a no win situation really.

I text him this morning about it and he's totally ignored it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/06/2017 10:30

I dont think sleeping separately is unhealthy for a relationship if you're not comfortable in the same bed (for whatever reason)

If your husband doesn't want to address his smoking though and you understandably don't want him to cough all over you then the solution is separate beds

Can you work on your closeness in other ways by doing things together; spending more time together; having a date night etc

MoosicalDaisy · 14/06/2017 10:30

So he hasn't even apologised? Intentional or not, he should, and he should be doing everything in his power to get your marriage back on track, him not giving up smoking when you're pregnant and this isn't helping him.

VimFuego101 · 14/06/2017 10:33

That is revolting.

Even the smoking part is unpleasant and he should make efforts to give up - both for you to minimise your nausea and for the safety of the baby when it arrives. Does he plan to stop?

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 14/06/2017 10:38

I dont think sleeping separately is unhealthy for a relationship

I cant speak for anyone else's relationship but its unhealthy for ours. And I don't like the message it sends to our children either.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 14/06/2017 10:39

u dont have to share a bed all night to get closeness thogh

if hes not willing to quit what options are therre

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 14/06/2017 10:40

Vim I've noticed him using his vapour a lot more recently, I think this must be because im pregnant.
I will get the opposite effect if I mention it/persuade him/ask him to stop. It wont work.

The baby will obviously not be in our bed if he's still smoking then, but I expect he will take to the sofa again. Its all less than ideal to be honest. I just hope we come out the other side of this bad patch.

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 14/06/2017 10:41

Your options are
a) he stays in the bed and you put up with his revoltingness (not a real word, I know)
b) he sleeps on the sofa
c) he has a change of heart, stops smoking and addresses his health

What is most likely to happen OP?

kaytee87 · 14/06/2017 10:42

That's vile! If you have a baby on the way he needs to stop smoking. Show him some information on the increased risk of sids for babies who are around smokers.

kaytee87 · 14/06/2017 10:45

If he's still smoking when the baby arrives he will need to fully change his clothes, brush teeth, wash hand and face before touching the baby after smoking. That will make him stop.
I used to smoke 20 a day for 10 years before stopping so I know it isn't easy but he needs to prioritise you and your children.
A smoker visited us when my ds was newborn and handed him back smelling of smoke, it really upset me Sad

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 14/06/2017 10:48

And yet you have children and are in fact pregnant with this disgusting man? I'd worry more about what message that sends my kids tbh.

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 14/06/2017 10:50

I think it will be b Faerie. I just don't want it to be. I also don't want to be coughed in the face, I knew it was going to happen, I was thinking just the other morning that it would end up in my face soon enough.

kaytee he was very careful with the other two, thankfully neither baby ended up smelling like smoke.
the frustrating thing is, he actually doesn't smoke much. On a weekend when we are both home for example he will probably smoke twice during the day and once in the evening. He smokes roll ups which are a lot less 'smokey' than cigarettes, they linger so much more.

OP posts:
Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 14/06/2017 10:51

Damediazapam you're worried about what message is getting to our children? The fact that he coughed in my face? I haven't informed them of this, why on earth would I?!

OP posts:
AntiGrinch · 14/06/2017 11:01

I was engaged to someone briefly - I knew it was a mistake the very next morning when we went out to get coffee. He was shoving a pastry into his face while walking along the road and a crumb got in his throat. He coughed a mouthful of chewed pastry right into my face.

I was disgusted and gutted and annoyed and he was all "I couldn't help it, I was choking". But I was too grossed out. I have had the odd crumb go down the wrong way but I have never spat chewed food in anyone's face.

He had nasty habits that made gross things more likely to happen - smoking (evil stinking coughing, hacking phlegm) very greedy (always having indigestion, burping, farting, and the eating while walking crumbs incident) drinking pop all the time instead of water (nasty teeth and vile breath) - the list is endless.

I ended it. In many ways he is a lovely man and is very happy, I think, with his now wife, who is presumably more tolerant than me.

Some people are like this. Some people can't stop themselves being a bit gross, some people can. you have to decide which kind of person you want around all the time. Brutal but true.

Figaro2017 · 14/06/2017 11:03

pregnant with this disgusting man?

It's not as though he did it deliberately!

GabsAlot · 14/06/2017 11:04

i think dam meant the message about smoking

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 14/06/2017 11:08

He never smokes in front of the kids. They never see him smoke, he will go the car to 'check the oil' or he will smoke when he goes to shop or something.

Because he smokes so few rollies, its easy to 'hide'. The eldest knows he smokes but at least it isn't in his face.

Thankfully DH isn't foul in any other way, and he hasn't coughed in my face in the other 20 years we have been together but that still hasn't stopped my skin from crawling and he still hasn't acknowledged the fact that it was foul.

OP posts:
blue2014 · 14/06/2017 11:12

I'm genuinely saying this with kindness but what response do you want from us OP?

You don't want to talk to him about it, you don't want him to sleep else where. He won't stop smoking, he hasn't apologised. You don't want to ask him to do these things .

So honestly, what is it you need from this post?

I think he sounds self absorbed and inconsiderate but he's not my husband and if you're ok with it then what else can be done?

MouldyPeach · 14/06/2017 11:13

I can't hello but feel bad for him. Have you never done something completely uncontrollably? Imagine some of your pregnancy-sickness vomit accidentally getting on him and he sent you out of the room with a grimace.. that wouldn't be very nice. Have a little compassion for the man you have chosen to spend your life with.

MouldyPeach · 14/06/2017 11:14

*help, not hello Blush

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 14/06/2017 11:17

I'm genuinely saying this with kindness but what response do you want from us OP?

I don't know, I was thinking exactly this as I've been posting. I think I just needed to tell someone, for someone to validate my feelings of disgust because I know he will be defensive and feel innocent in it all. Which of course he is in some ways because he wasn't even conscious when he did it!

But that doesn't make it less disgusting

OP posts: