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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shared custody. AIBU to not let ex claim child benefits

95 replies

Briannaa · 13/06/2017 22:28

So my ex and I have decided to have shared custody of our Son. He will have him one week and me the other.

Neither of us will pay maintenance.

My income is too high for me to be eligible to get any tax credits.

He earns £16,000 and would be eligible for quite a bit of money.

AIBU to not let him claim benefits for our son? Can I stop him?

Only one of us can get them and I do not want him to be seen as the 'main carer' in the eyes of the law.

He says he's going to claim anyway as he will be very poor without claiming them.

I currently get them as I was on a lower income last year. The next year I will be ineligible.

OP posts:
DonkeyOaty · 13/06/2017 23:03

Wow Mary that's a helluva stream of consciousness you've got going on there.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 13/06/2017 23:03

"7461Mary18

The few people stealing money from me (i./e. taking money from hard working tax payers) the better so yes don't let him claim it"

You're a special kind of evil if you'd rather a child go hungry, rather than a parent claiming child benefit that they're legally entitled to

BandeauSally · 13/06/2017 23:03

The few people stealing money from me (i./e. taking money from hard working tax payers) the better so yes don't let him claim it,

😂😂😂 dry your fucking eyes.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 13/06/2017 23:04

Also Mary, go fuck yourself

IshipTomHardysohard · 13/06/2017 23:05

Mary do fuck off dear...

This is coming from someone who takes the taxs payers money apparently 😬😂

AnniesTurn · 13/06/2017 23:06

Being a resident parent holds no more sway than not being the RP.

I'm the resident parent. DC's father can still access school/medical records, take them out of the country, apply for a passport and anything else he chooses. And so it should be.

Theresnonamesleft · 13/06/2017 23:10

So by not going down 50/50 which might be in the best interests of the child, and could be forced by the courts if you block this and he persues this. What do you think you gain from being the resident parent? You think you have final say, can block him from certain things?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2017 23:11

I don't know diddly about UK benefits, but if him getting benefits for the child makes him the resident parent somehow by default, then maybe you should go to court and get a legal agreement drawn up in which you are declared the RP.

Remember it's all about what's best for the child, not what you 'want'.

PollytheDolly · 13/06/2017 23:11

Control over everything else?

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 23:12

OP YABU for wanting to stop your son and his dad having a better standard of living. But I do not know if you are being unreasonable in not wanting him to be seen as the main carer.

May I ask how your son is currently cared for?

Can you and your ex come to some sort of agreement together that you are both happy with.

Have you researched one week on and one week off and how this impacts on children?

I just wonder how you got to that arrangement. I have not been divorced or worked out child care etc so feel free to ignore me but I would just say (as mum to a 6 year old and a 12 year old) that routine is sometimes key.

My son does an activity one day and daughter on another. I take my son to his and my dh usually takes dd to hers. If the homes are close by then this may all work fine. But just be prepared that in some ways a different weekly split may be easier to manage. For you too I would imagine, if things happen weekly etc, e.g. you might wish to go to weekly class or club.

I guess I just feel the constant changes one week here and one week there may be harder than some days at mum's and some days at dads. Will one parent get the whole of half term, the other not?

Just my humble opinion, but once your child is at school this may feel harder. I'd just try and see things on a trial basis to see how they work.

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/single-parents-support-45/589346-50-50-custody-plans-all.html

gillybeanz · 13/06/2017 23:13

I don't see why you think any benefits can only be claimed by a mother Shock
You are both RP anyway as the split is 50/50.
I'm also wondering how you think you can stop him, and quite sad you'd let your sons standard of living fall, for fear of what others might think.
You need to sort your priorities girl and grow up.

Quimby · 13/06/2017 23:14

What an incredibly selfish person

Original poster
Briannaa · 13/06/2017 23:14

I'm going to work something out.

I think 50/50 is a bad idea though. I was just putting the idea out there.

OP posts:
AvaCrowder2 · 13/06/2017 23:15

7461Mary

You do post some really small minded rubbish. Is there a reason for that?

OP I'd let him claim it, or rather not argue about it. Firstly if he creates problems with you having contact that goes against him, and secondly because it's money for your child. If you can be happy with 50/50 then why not have him as happy as possible?

Original poster
Briannaa · 13/06/2017 23:16

His dad has been rubbish since he was born.

Only sees him irregularly.i chose 50/50 as I thought t might force him into being a better parent and a more consistent presence in our sons life but I've realised it won't.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 13/06/2017 23:16

so u wont now let him hav his child because of a benefit payment?

if i were him id take you to court

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2017 23:17

Ok but please try and think about it in terms of what is best for your child. Not your ego.

GabsAlot · 13/06/2017 23:17

im sorry i x postd with you

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2017 23:17

Oh sorry OP. X post

TheFairyCaravan · 13/06/2017 23:18

You've got another thread running right now saying that you want your son to move in with your parents Mon-Fri for childcare because you've been offered a job that's shift work.

You say that you're a single parent, his dad sees him but he's not committed to anything.

So which story scenario is it?

PollytheDolly · 13/06/2017 23:19

So does he not have 50:50 currently then?

gillybeanz · 13/06/2017 23:19

In what way has he been rubbish?
Does he not love him and care for him in any way?

19lottie82 · 13/06/2017 23:24

Hang on, an hour ago you stayed you have agreed on a week on / week off, fifty fifty arrangement, then you are told that YABU about not wanting to let him claim the child related benefits, and suddenly you've changed your mind?

Be aware that if your ex decides to fight you for 50/50 (or more) then you won't be given any priority, simply for being the mother..... and if he is only on 16k, I'm pretty sure he will be entitled to legal aid.
Unless you have a good reason (that you can prove in court) why your ex shouldn't have 50/50 care of your son, he will more than likely be awarded it.

I'm not meaning to have a go, I'm just suggesting that you be realistic.

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 23:25

Briannaa "His dad has been rubbish since he was born."

Why would you want a person who has been a rubbish parent to have 50/50 care of your son. You won't force him to be a good parent by forcing him into a 50/50 arrangement, IMHO.

Start from the position of what is best for your son, let his dad work out what part he can play in his life and go from there.

My advice would be identical whatever sex you or your partner were, it is not about mums over dads, or dads over mums, it is about who can put the child's needs for consistent care and good parenting first.

ClopySow · 13/06/2017 23:26

See if you'd posted about how shit he's been back in your first post? You might have got some more support. It makes for a very different story.