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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if anyone else feels they 'married their father'.

72 replies

Whatsername17 · 13/06/2017 11:40

Obviously not in a literal sense. Me and dh have had some issues recently, issues that almost mirror issues my parents had when they were younger. Both situations were caused by my dad and dh making a very similar marital mistake. My mum commented that it was like watching history repeat itself. It got me thinking about how similar they are. My dh and my dad are both outgoing and social butterflies. People take to them both instantly and are very warm towards them. My mum and I are a little more reserved. My mum is lovely, but is a little shy in social situations and has always let's my dad take the lead. I'm not shy, but, as part of a couple, I'm the quieter one. This always led to people perceiving my mum as standard off-ish or cold until people get to know her. I feel like my dhs colleagues and friends view me in the same way. People always bang on about how lovely my dh is, and he is, but he is also needy, immature and a little self centred. Much like my dad. The neighbours chat away to dh whereas I just get a greeting despite always being smiley and polite. I haven't always got the confidence to strike up a conversation but I think I'm friendly. I'm well liked amongst my own friends and colleagues as well as dhs family, but in new social situations I always feel like people think dh is fabulous and can't quite work out why we are together. My mum has always felt the same. It's weird isn't it? To have married a man so similar to my dad? I don't know how it even happened. They obviously have their differences too but I when I was moaning to my mum and she laughed and said 'you've married your father' I just felt a bit 'oh shit!' Anyone else?

OP posts:
temporaryfiles · 13/06/2017 11:42

Yep.

I divorced him, just like my mum did.

Whatsername17 · 13/06/2017 11:43

Glad to know it isn't just me!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 13/06/2017 11:44

Yes, for both good and bad, and I think it's quite common.

jarhead123 · 13/06/2017 11:44

Yes, but in a positive way.

My Dad was brilliant. He was hard when he needed to be, but a softy most of the time. We didn't mess with him though. He was incredibly hard working and determined. He came from nothing and made a success of himself.

This is all true of my husband.

Alittlepotofrosie · 13/06/2017 11:45

Yeah i did but in the best way. My dad is a great man and so is my dh.

Tablefor4 · 13/06/2017 11:45

Oh yes. But then again, my mother married her father (as it were) so perhaps no big surprise. In all 3 cases, bookish, calm, male but not macho, overlapping hobbies g'dad and dad: stamps and trains; dad and DH: history and current affairs.

I think some of it is conditioning and what was modelled to us.

Whatsername17 · 13/06/2017 11:45

That's lovely, jar head.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 13/06/2017 11:48

You seem to worry about "people" liking your DH and not liking you as much, or judging you. My DH is similarly extrovert and popular: I am not! I try to be myself and spend time with people whose company I enjoy, and not compare - I would become exhausted and unhappy if I sought to be friendly with neighbours, all DH's friends, new people etc.

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2017 11:48

Nope. My dh is very similar to my sister's dh but both are totally unlike our df in just about every conceivable way. This is not a coincidence.

gillybeanz · 13/06/2017 11:49

Yes, in a way.
I think it's to do with the shared values, rather than a particular personality.
My dad was straight as an arrow, honest and wouldn't suffer fools gladly.
This was to the extent he would lose friends, work colleague friendships too.
My dh is exactly the same, but both suffered an unhappy childhood due to divorce, domestic violence or being abandoned by mother (between them) iyswim.

Bearcon · 13/06/2017 11:54

I could have writtten your post to the letter.

Whatsername17 · 13/06/2017 11:55

You are right loopy. In the 15 years we have been together I've always had people make comments about what a 'surprising' couple we are. I've even had someone tell me that they were surprised how nice I am! That was obviously once they had gotten to know me. I just always feel like people who know dh first struggle to warm to me. People who know me first don't and I don't know why. I wish it didn't bother me but it does.

OP posts:
GetAHaircutCarl · 13/06/2017 11:56

No way.
I adored my dad but I wouldn't want to marry him!
He said as much himself many many times. And he was DH's biggest fan.

LadySalmakia · 13/06/2017 11:56

Not me. My DH is much kinder and more demonstrative and easier to talk to. He also knows how to cook and clean well, and actually does both of them and wouldn't expect me to.

They're both decent men, and my parents remain happily married, but there are some behavioural traits my father has that I was EXTREMELY clear with myself about - not even trying to learn to cook, never doing anything around the house unless it was a project he enjoys, manipulating my mother into giving up work for the children and acting like it was for her own good, a tendency towards obsessive behaviour and not listening to or changing his mind after an argument. These were things that were not going to be good for me in a partnership.

The maytrydom is the one that gets me - he loves doing all sorts of DIY and relishes a new project, and claims that's his contribution to the household, rather than the cause of further mess and extra work for mum. Obviously she must just love cleaning the bathroom, etc just as much.

BreezyBreeze · 13/06/2017 11:58

Dh is similar to my Grandfather. Both wonderful, calm, kind, and thoughtful.Smile

Also both a bit indecisive and cautious.

No dad to model things on. But to my shame I'm similar to him HmmSad

BikeRunSki · 13/06/2017 11:59

I'm "married to my grandfather". I adored my GF; DH is very similar in many ways. Both are completely unlike my dad.

Fightingthefire · 13/06/2017 12:04

No, I'm very lucky to have not married an alcoholic wife beater.

My sisters on the other hand didn't make good choices and have kept the cycle going.

I pray my DD's meet an amazing man like my DH.

Loopytiles · 13/06/2017 12:04

People were very rude to say those things about you!

Does your H appreciate you, speak well of you to people, seek to involve you?

TieGrr · 13/06/2017 12:05

Thankfully not.

I am, however, with somebody very like my older brother who I was very close to growing up.

Whatsername17 · 13/06/2017 12:09

Sorry, fighting. Must have been hard to grow up with a dad like that and now watch your sisters go through again. I want my dd's to marry differently. Dh has a lot of brilliant qualities, as does my dad. But, he is the centre of the universe at times. This isn't always a bad thing either. But, at times it makes him needy and it's me he needs. That gets exhausting. I feel second to him at times. Well, third, the kids come first.

OP posts:
steppemum · 13/06/2017 12:09

sort of. dh is like my dad in some things and lilke my Granddad in some too.

I realised recently hthat having grown up with a Dad who fixed everything himself and was good at DIY, I would have struggled with a dh who was hopeless.

Thinking about it, I chose the characteristics of my Dad and Gdad which I loved and those are the ones dh has. The ones I don't like, dh doesn't have those!

Loopytiles · 13/06/2017 12:10

So he wants you to be the "wind beneath his wings"?

vvviola · 13/06/2017 12:10

Yes, in the best way. (Although the liking for bad puns that my Grandfather, DDad and DH all share(d) is a little hard to take sometimes). and we won't discuss the falling asleep halfway through a film

It's particularly hard at the moment as DDad died a month ago, and DH does things that make me thing "that's just what DDad would have done", which isn't easy.

1bighappyfamily · 13/06/2017 12:12

No. But DH is pretty convinced he married my mother

and to be fair, he's not wrong

AnUtterIdiot · 13/06/2017 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.