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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if anyone else feels they 'married their father'.

72 replies

Whatsername17 · 13/06/2017 11:40

Obviously not in a literal sense. Me and dh have had some issues recently, issues that almost mirror issues my parents had when they were younger. Both situations were caused by my dad and dh making a very similar marital mistake. My mum commented that it was like watching history repeat itself. It got me thinking about how similar they are. My dh and my dad are both outgoing and social butterflies. People take to them both instantly and are very warm towards them. My mum and I are a little more reserved. My mum is lovely, but is a little shy in social situations and has always let's my dad take the lead. I'm not shy, but, as part of a couple, I'm the quieter one. This always led to people perceiving my mum as standard off-ish or cold until people get to know her. I feel like my dhs colleagues and friends view me in the same way. People always bang on about how lovely my dh is, and he is, but he is also needy, immature and a little self centred. Much like my dad. The neighbours chat away to dh whereas I just get a greeting despite always being smiley and polite. I haven't always got the confidence to strike up a conversation but I think I'm friendly. I'm well liked amongst my own friends and colleagues as well as dhs family, but in new social situations I always feel like people think dh is fabulous and can't quite work out why we are together. My mum has always felt the same. It's weird isn't it? To have married a man so similar to my dad? I don't know how it even happened. They obviously have their differences too but I when I was moaning to my mum and she laughed and said 'you've married your father' I just felt a bit 'oh shit!' Anyone else?

OP posts:
snurfflepots · 13/06/2017 12:14

I purposely made sure I didn't! Not that I don't love my Dad, but I've inherited his worst attributes and I didn't want a battleground for a marriage.

My Dad is short and blonde, my DH is tall and dark. My Dad is very short tempered whereas my husband is so laid back he's virtually horizontal! They do get on like a house of fire though.

If I only could get my Dad to pass on his love of ironing and cleaning Grin

Whatsername17 · 13/06/2017 12:14

Loopy, yeah he does. We've had words in the past about him ribbing me or taking the micky to get a laugh from others in the past. He doesn't do it now. He is oblivious to the fact that sometimes people talk to him and blank me completely though. It's mostly women who are like this. My best friend has always said it's because I'm better looking than my husband which, whilst very sweet, isn't at all true. The trouble is, facing up to the fact that it's just my personality that puts people off makes me feel a bit shit!

OP posts:
Dawnedlightly · 13/06/2017 12:16

Fight I pray my DD's meet an amazing man like my DH.
Give yourself credit. You didn't win him in a raffle and the way you're modelling a good relationship now means that your DDs are less likely to pick a wrongun Flowers

LadyCassandra · 13/06/2017 12:17

No, fortunately!
DH is exactly like my step-dad though! They are both people-pleasers, love entertaining and generous to a fault. Amazing fathers too.
SD came into my life when I was 10 so not like he was around my whole life, so it's nice that I picked someone like him.
I'm a lot like my dad unfortunately! Blush

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/06/2017 12:20

I didn't marry my father, my H married his mother though. Grin I don't think he's terribly happy about that. I didn't meet her until after we were married, and I didn't know much about her so I was hoping for a smiley, warm, maternal Indian lady who cooked great curries. But she's like me but with the volume turned up, stubborn, strong-willed, bossy, likes to take charge, and she's an awful cook.

Liiinoo · 13/06/2017 12:22

Not at all. In fact pretty much the opposite. My dad was very practical, a proper Mr Fix-it. My DH has problems changing light bulbs. My Dadwas v attentive to my mum with grand romantic gestures whilst DH is almost pathologically shy. As well as working full time Dad was always busy with hobbies and projects, cycled miles a week, ran marathons etc whilst when DH isn't at work he is a total couch potato.

Things they do have in common is they are both very nice, work hard for their families, make me laugh and love me.

Loopytiles · 13/06/2017 12:23

I think you're making assumptions about why aquaintances behave as they do. Eg that they don't like your personality.

Women blanking you are being rude. I have had that happen with a few women: IMO their behaviour is to do with them, not me. Eg they want to be "in with" someone popular, or enjoy attention from men. As long as your H is behaving appropriately, it's fine.

If your H is being "needy" and self centred, that's another issue.

JaneJeffer · 13/06/2017 12:24

No, but as we get older I sometimes feel I have married my FIL Confused

SasBel · 13/06/2017 12:25

Sort of. I agree with pp, similar attributes that I value in my dad, dh has.
Both are good men, However, dh is more relaxed, more considerate, and has had more opportunities than my dad.
Really hope that DD meets someone just as good!

CheshireChat · 13/06/2017 12:26

I get you about being the quiet one in the relationship. In our case, things are exacerbated by the fact I'm a complete introvert and DP well, isn't.

Luckily, I didn't marry my dad who was a raging alcoholic and picked someone who doesn't drink! I do think I'm marrying my mother...

SleepFreeZone · 13/06/2017 12:26

Ha ha, yep!

Fibbertigibbet · 13/06/2017 12:27

No, which confuses my parents because I adore my dad and I think they saw me marrying someone just like him. DH is nothing like my dad, because I am like my dad, and we don't need two!

SleepFreeZone · 13/06/2017 12:27

Oh and just to be really freaky I am also very very similar to his mum 😬

BloodWorries · 13/06/2017 12:27

My DP and my dad have some similar qualities, in terms of wanting to provide and care for their families, and sometimes appearing to put their mothers before their spouses. But past that they are very different in appearance and mannerisms.
I'm an unfortunate mixture or my parents, and my dad's traits in me wouldn't work well with a partner who was similar to my dad.

Thinking about it my dad is nothing like my mum's father either. And my mum is nothing like my dad's mother.

My partner is actually quite similar in many ways to my dad's dad. And I adored him all my life. All my grandparents are/were lovely, amazing, wonderful in their own way but I always felt like he was the one who would always make time to be with me and just listen or teach me things. I've never really thought about the similarities between them until now. Given myself goosebumps!

AperolOnIce · 13/06/2017 12:27

Every. Single. Day.

And every single minute of every single day,

Grin
NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown · 13/06/2017 12:29

No, but personality wise DH is very similar to my sister and I'm very alike her wife.

Fortunately no one takes after my dad!! I love him unconditionally but he can be very difficult and drives me absolutely batty

OculusReparo · 13/06/2017 12:30

Yes and no. My DP and dad get along, they're both introverts as am I, and they both have a lot of diverse shared interests ranging from poetry, photography to history and current affairs. But my dad isn't very assertive and is known to stay quiet when people bully him and is very much a people pleaser whilst DP can politely assert himself when he thinks it's necessary and appropriate to do so.

OP your DH might be gregarious, but you have your good points as well...if you focus on what you aren't so good at and keep on trying to keep up with your DH's pace of making friends anywhere and everywhere then you'd exhaust yourself. You are who you are and you shouldn't change yourself to be more like your DH to make others like you more. Friendship is organic, it grows and develops over time. When people meet you first or when they get to know you more, then they'll warm to you and realise the qualities you do have and if they don't, it's their loss for making snap judgements without getting to know you. Besides, you have more then enough friends.

My sister often tells me that I'm lucky that I have a handful of close friends because she sometimes feels lonely in a crowd because not all her friends know her that well. So it's not always about the quantity of friends but the quality of the friendship.

CheeseOfHearts · 13/06/2017 12:34

I absolutely never wanted to marry someone like my dad, who is a narcissistic cheater who liked to occasionally play at being a dad when it suited him.

Dh is actually in many ways more similar to my mum, who is brilliant. They're my best friends (sickening, I know!)

TempusEedjit · 13/06/2017 12:36

Yes, I eventually wise up and divorced the fucker.

"New" DH is the polar opposite and is great.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 13/06/2017 12:36

I didn't, but then I'm very like my dad in lots of ways myself.

My first serious boyfriend shared a few traits with my dad - not his good ones, unfortunately - and I got rid. But I sometimes wonder if that's unfair for me to think, because where we live men are expected to behave a certain way culturally, and they were probably just both doing that as opposed to having the same personality.

PoorYorick · 13/06/2017 12:36

I made a point of marrying his complete opposite.

AccidentalMagic · 13/06/2017 12:36

No, sadly. My dad is fantastic. Ex DH in comparison was a bit of a twat.

Kaybush · 13/06/2017 12:36

Apart from a can-do attitude my DH is the polar opposite of my DD.

My DD is European, has a PHD and ran a research company most of his life. My DH didn't go to university but is smart as a button and has a non-white collar job.

Much as I adore my dad, I rebelled a bit and find most university educated men a bit wet compared to sort of self-made types (of which there are a lot in my town)!

NotCitrus · 13/06/2017 12:40

There's similarities - they do have the same colouring and I recall Christmas shopping one year to buy a tie for each of them, only to find only one nice tie, which would suit either, and had to decide which of them should get it. I decided to give it to now-MrNC, as my dad would be content with many more boring designs.

They are both geeky stubborn gits from the Midlands, first in family to get degrees, have PhDs in science, and are generally calm and easy to live with unless they don't get their own way. MrNC is much more outgoing with emotions and in general though, and has been a good influence on my dad, getting him to chill out more. MrNC has also tried to prove himself worthy to my dad and adopt some of his work ethic.

My mum gets a bit flirtatious with MrNC (after 10 years of telling me he'd never finish his PhD, get a job, or stay with me... wrong on all counts), which is rather cringemaking but at least she likes him.

mygorgeousmilo · 13/06/2017 12:43

No, but we've married the polar opposites, whereas I think in my sister's case they've married their parents - i.e. People with the same negative aspects. I think my husband and I, being the youngest of our respective families, saw our siblings getting into the same cycle and actively chose totally different types of people..... not sure if it was conscious decision making or what, but it's what's happened.