to find DPs lack of hygiene intolerable?

[LottieG100]

I feel like I spend a lot of time being grossed out and frustrated by DPs lack of hygiene but he just doesn't seem to get it and continues to do the same things. I try not to nag but I feel like he's putting our health at risk. He thinks I'm OTT.

Here are some examples from just the last few days:

Our 2 year old has a stomach bug. Her nappy leaked on the sofa yesterday and I took her upstairs to clean her up and asked DP to clean the sofa and put her clothes in the washing machine. It later transpired that he'd just sprayed the sofa with Febreze and had rinsed the poo out of her clothes in the kitchen sink, and then hadn't cleaned it afterwards. Later on, while the bath was running he sat her naked on the hand towel in the bathroom. He then hung it back up to be used again. Tonight I was getting the washing in and the DCs were playing upstairs while DP was packing for working away this week. When I went upstairs they were playing and sharing instruments like plastic trumpets so the likelihood of the other two DC catching it have just multiplied tenfold and DP gave me this face when I asked if he had considered telling them it wasn't a good idea.

He will wipe the floor with a cloth then use the same cloth to wipe down sides or wash up. We have a dog so I think this is gross but he strongly disagrees.

He will laugh at two year old eating sand, drinking pond water and licking the eggs she's just collected from our chickens. He also doesn't see the need to get them to wash their hands after handling pets or before eating.

He will rinse the bottom of the guinea pigs cage, rats cage and things from the fish tank in the kitchen sink and then not clean it before washing up plates, cutlery and glasses.

If he washes up he'll do it in cold water and no particular order - like glasses after frying pan. He just dips cutlery so it often remains dirty and puts baking tray back in the oven without having washed it and thinks it's fine to use again next time, even if it's had meat on.

I could go on but I appreciate I sound ranty! The final straw has just come along in the shape of me getting in to bed to find my feet in a wet patch. He mentioned DDs nappy had leaked on the bed earlier and I presumed he'd changed the sheet but no, he's just rotated it.

I'm not nit picking surely - this is all very grim right?

You keep rats? YABU yes
Fuck off with that
Loads of people amazingly have rats as pets.

The man is disgusting! Honestly, please tell us what it is that keeps you with such a bloke. I actually heaved at your OP.

He is risking your whole family's health and could well kill one of you with such a lack of hygiene.

I don't want to know what his personal hygiene is like, I'll be heaving again!

If I left (I really feel like I can't bear it anymore) and he took me to court though, his hygiene would sound like a spurious [reason for] restricting contact

You need to ask 'advice' from your health visitor then. Have a visit and get something logged by a healthcare professional or social services.

If his neglect is on record it may be unlikely that he's allowed certain types of contact, certainly with the baby at least.

Do see a solicitor about this too.

Then leave the filthy bastard, and best wishes x

I'm far from a clean freak (no anti-bac in my house and am pretty relaxed compared to many others) but even I recoiled at all the examples. WTF with the bed sheet! That's not just being relaxed regarding hygeine, that's totally disrespectful; he doesn't want to sleep in shit but thinks you should. Minging bastard

This is awful but one thing I have found is that you can't persuade people that washing things matters, if they don't think so already. At least, if you can, I don't know how.
I've become more fussy about hygeine since studying a health related topic at uni and learning about pathogens.

You keep rats? YABU
Rats are fantastic creatures, are very clean and make briliant pets. YABU because

I was thinking about this thread while doing my own cleaning today (MN threads don't often haunt my thoughts, but this is really grim!) and the word that sprang to my mind was neglect, which I see has now been mentioned by a couple of posters above.

If one of the children in my class told me that they lived with those levels of hygiene, then I'd be obliged to report it as a safeguarding concern. However, he seems to be acting quite sneakily about it- the house would probably appear to be superficially clean and tidy if anyone came to visit,but he knows full well that you are anxious about the underlying poor hygiene.

Can you arrange for the health visitor to come to the house while he's there, so he hears it from a health professional?

I'm already disgusted after reading the first example...

If he didn't get better I'd have to kick him out. That is disgusting. I don't know how you can live with him. I do love anti bac spray, I'm probably the opposite person to your dp. I baby wipe the dog's feet when he's been for a walk. Nails and in between toes.

Rats might be the cleanest animals on earth, but their cages still need cleaning out, as do the guinea pigs, and the fish tank. Add chickens into the mix. And a dog.

With a DH as filthy as this one, it seems like a recipe for disaster, not to mention layers of extra work and hassle for the OP.

Do you still have sex with him OP? How on earth can you bear him near you? What's his own personal hygiene like?

I joke that my housekeeping is preventing the development of superbugs, and that bacteria dies of shock when it even sees the anti-bac spray or bleach come out, but my household is generally healthy and neither DC has ever had a sickness bug (yet...) at 6 and 4.

I did unusually pick up a gastric bug over the winter, and accordingly upped the game such as regularly wiping down the toilet and flush areas, keeping my own towel and 60oC washing it and successfully managed to prevent anyone else in the family from picking it up.

His standards are gross and it takes little effort to use hot water or change the order of washing. Regular family illness is a sign that there is a problem. Not changing the sheets is disgusting. DS1 had allergies and intolerances that affected his digestive system with unpleasant side effects and it has to be dealt with quickly and contaminated items isolated before they can be appropriately sanitised.

An online food hygiene course sounds like a sensible way to make a point before resorting to more drastic action.

There's no way he'd take any course, he thinks I'm overly fussy.

Surprisingly his personal hygiene is very good. He always showers twice daily and is concerned about his appearance. Sadly I think it's because he thinks it might lead to a shag rather than hygiene reasons.

OMG- No wonder your kids have stomach bugs.

It's interesting to see how many people -with no medicine degree- advocate against high standards of hygiene because of the "immune system". Any doctor will tell you to wash your hands before eating and maintain a decent level of hygiene!

My sister's husband is like this, it's appalling (and he used to work in a pub kitchen!). In itself it would be a deal breaker for me even if he weren't a twat in other ways too. Anyway, the reason she doesn't pull him up over it is because he sulks terribly if she dares criticise him in any way, and subjects her to the silent treatment until she apologises. She has reacted by not letting herself notice and lowering her own standards, her kids are always getting stomach bugs. Our mutual friends and family avoid their house as much as possible and she can't understand why nobody ever wants to go to hers!

I meant to ask, does your husband sulk? I'd be the worse of two evils, I'd go nuclear every time I caught him do it was easier to do it right. But I can see that my sister is trained not to say anything, even when her kids are ill. Are you conditioned to let him minimise it? (Don't think he'd have turned a skittery sheet though, that's unbelievable - but the shitty pants in the sink, animal dishes in the sink, getting raw chicken all over the place or not cooking meat long enough are all things I know he's done.)

My ex wasn't this bad but he wasn't great, he also believed that I was fussy when I was actually pretty basic, and he sulked about "criticism" and found PA ways to punish me for things. There were a few serious times I sort of snapped out of it and actually really annoyed him by standing my ground on things to do with the dcs where I thought: hang on, the worst case scenario that could result from letting this go is awful; what kind of a person am I if run these risks because "if I say something he'll be mean to me"?

The trouble is, it wears you down over time. you let a lot of small things go because you are under this drip drip drip of "you can't be a control freak" and "you have to let them have their own ways of doing things" and all this bollocks. Eventually you snap out of it and realise you are being pushed to let quite big things go.

I hypothesise some or all of the following:

• he doesn't really believe that germs = illness. he is so arrogant that because he can't see them he thinks it's all made up or something (there are people like this)

• he finds it easier to get things wrong because the shitter he is at these things, the more you will do

• he's also being PA. He's punishing you for something. Perhaps for exactly this - having an opinion on how badly he does things. Perhaps for having to do anything at all - perhaps in his mind, all this is your job, and because you aren't doing it all, he's resentful and this is his way of getting back at you. Perhaps something unrelated. Something else he resents you for. (unconsciously). Probably something to do with him perceiving your superiority at something or what he perceives as your control over something, and he doesn't like being in that position. Do you earn more? Are you better looking? do you have more friends? are you better at everything?

Does your DP work away often OP? Are the pets his domain? As a PP said it sounds like he is passive aggressive and punishing you somehow. Also the neglect comment above seems like it could be a concern.

YANBU OP. I feel your pain. DP is a bit like this, though he has improved after much nagging.

I think one of the worst moments was when I discovered his mum (who'd baby sat DS) had used the fabric side of DS's travel changing mat and got poo on it, but not washed it. DP took it to give it a scrub, and I found him washing it at the kitchen sink with the baby's bottles draining in the rack next to the sink (and probably getting splashed with dirty poo-water). I went ballistic - he said indignantly, "Well, where should I wash it then?!" and I pointed out that we have three bathroom sinks he could have used - basically anywhere except where we prepare food, drain dishes and wash up!

He's also less careful with raw chicken that I'd like him to be, so I do any chicken prep in our house. My dad was the same until he used his breadboard to cut up raw chicken, didn't wash or wipe it, then cut bread on it later - he had a horrendous stomach bug which lasted 2 weeks and almost saw him hospitalised, and now he's as careful as me.

Anecdotally, I was brought up in a house with lax hygiene and I get bugs all the time. DP was also brought up in a house with lax hygiene and he very rarely catches anything.

I don't get gastro bugs, I should add. I get lots of colds, so my immune system can't be brilliant.

antigrinch I think you've got it spot on.

This smacks of contempt but also a grudge.

Or it could be strategic incompetence on a grand, and potentially lethal, scale?

Honestly I don't think he does it to get at me. He will say "I've washed up for you" (because obviously him and the DC don't create washing up ) and think I'm going to thank and/or reward him. When actually I think great, that's another thing for me to redo.

Incompetence then - whether strategic or not - resulting in you having to do or re-do virtually all the work in the house. Result for him.

Him thinking he's helping you when he is just doing stuff in the house suggests a dubious misogynist outlook. And the fact that the 'stuff' he is doing is being done badly.

More importantly, what about him wilfully turning your house into a health hazard? What are you going to do?

I'm with Hill and I would even go so far to say that if he doesn't step up he or the animals are going to have to go. It all sounds too much of a risk to your young children.

(I know that sounds a bit OTT but it sounds dangerous to me and I'm not a rabid clean freak at all!)

I've just applied for a tenancy so fingers crossed that's my moaning over and action taken.