to find DPs lack of hygiene intolerable?

[LottieG100]

I feel like I spend a lot of time being grossed out and frustrated by DPs lack of hygiene but he just doesn't seem to get it and continues to do the same things. I try not to nag but I feel like he's putting our health at risk. He thinks I'm OTT.

Here are some examples from just the last few days:

Our 2 year old has a stomach bug. Her nappy leaked on the sofa yesterday and I took her upstairs to clean her up and asked DP to clean the sofa and put her clothes in the washing machine. It later transpired that he'd just sprayed the sofa with Febreze and had rinsed the poo out of her clothes in the kitchen sink, and then hadn't cleaned it afterwards. Later on, while the bath was running he sat her naked on the hand towel in the bathroom. He then hung it back up to be used again. Tonight I was getting the washing in and the DCs were playing upstairs while DP was packing for working away this week. When I went upstairs they were playing and sharing instruments like plastic trumpets so the likelihood of the other two DC catching it have just multiplied tenfold and DP gave me this face when I asked if he had considered telling them it wasn't a good idea.

He will wipe the floor with a cloth then use the same cloth to wipe down sides or wash up. We have a dog so I think this is gross but he strongly disagrees.

He will laugh at two year old eating sand, drinking pond water and licking the eggs she's just collected from our chickens. He also doesn't see the need to get them to wash their hands after handling pets or before eating.

He will rinse the bottom of the guinea pigs cage, rats cage and things from the fish tank in the kitchen sink and then not clean it before washing up plates, cutlery and glasses.

If he washes up he'll do it in cold water and no particular order - like glasses after frying pan. He just dips cutlery so it often remains dirty and puts baking tray back in the oven without having washed it and thinks it's fine to use again next time, even if it's had meat on.

I could go on but I appreciate I sound ranty! The final straw has just come along in the shape of me getting in to bed to find my feet in a wet patch. He mentioned DDs nappy had leaked on the bed earlier and I presumed he'd changed the sheet but no, he's just rotated it.

I'm not nit picking surely - this is all very grim right?

I'm still getting my head around poo in the kitchen sink, tbh. Do you not have a laundry sink? Is he too lazy to walk the extra feet to the laundry or bathroom??

You don't rinse poo in a food prep area, ffs.

I think it would be a good idea to send him on a food safety class.

My cat has better hygiene than your DH. At least she knows to keep her poop well away from her food dish.

He will not change. My ex was exactly like this and it ultimately ended us. Absolutely no concept of hygiene. I feel for you greatly. My ex CONSTANTLY had the shits yet criticised my use of anti bacterial wipes and my being overly cautious with use by dates on food unlike him that would eat anything waaaay past it's date. I very very rarely get the runs. He was a disgusting pig generally and I could not tolerate it. His lack of hygiene a running joke within his family. Was very embarrassing.

Bleurrggghhhhh he sounds disgusting! Rinsing poo out in the kitchen sink?! And why rotate a urine soaked sheet?! Why?!
I'm disgusted at this.

Totally disgusting. Dd has a bug at the moment and we are being super careful about hygiene to hopefully ensure no one else catches it. I know everyone has different standards but it seems your dh doesn't have any!

OP that's disgusting. I would kick him out!

Why on earth do you let him in the kitchen? My Fil is similar to your dh and when he was visiting I noticed him wiping the floor and then wiping the kitchen bench with the same cloth & I made sure he never had access to a cleaning cloth again. (I basically took the cloths away and hid them).

I don't have anything helpful to say about why anyone would have his attitude & also what that could mean for his attitude towards you and the children. He needs to change & if it won't come through nagging, ask him to work away for a few months because you cannot cope with him not supporting you / listening to you.

Four (hopefully helpful) things:
(1) Very strange that your 2 year old is licking chicken eggs / eating sand etc. Get your little one tested for low iron levels. My dd was eating sand etc when she was 2 and I mentioned it to gp and it turned out she had very low iron levels. It's called "pica" (or something like that).

(2) Please sterilise your kitchen sink. Get everything out of it. Fill your kettle, boil it, and pour boiling water all over the sink, taps and the draining board. I do this quite regularly. It is very easy to do.

(3) I've never used it, but I would buy a steam mop. It's 'natural' i.e. you clean with water, but it is boiling water. That will help immensely.

(4) If you buy one of those cheap nylon brushes with a handle for washing up, it can have boiling water poured over it after use / when you sterilise your sink to be clean/suitable for use in washing up. This is preferable to a cloth. Washing up with a cloth is in itself (potentially) very, very unhygienic, unless you always use a "new" (i.e. out of the wash / drawer, not left on the sink to fester) cloth.

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation.

You keep rats? YABU yes

Surely you knew he was like this before you had kids with him?

He seems to lack knowledge about bacteria and how they get spread.

I would send him on a basic food hygiene qualification course.

The stuff about the chicken eggs is downright dangerous.

I am not especially clean and tidy but I treat raw chicken with HazChem standard care, and my teens have never once, in their whole lives, had a stomach bug!

Grim.
But good for your immune system I guess (struggling to find positivity here?).

Good grief, I'm no clean freak but that is awful. I'm not sure I could live with that level of germ-stress!

I think you are all suffering from regular food poisoning rather than plain old tummy bugs, which is no surprise. Bleach everything in sight!

Could you get a dishwasher? That might help?

Actually I would not let someone who did these things care for my children.

I really wouldn't.

I would say he goes on a course, observes some rules or he fucks off out of it.

If he is ignorant, he can learn. What's troubling is if it is down to stubbornness / arrogance.

He's grim. Book him onto a food hygiene course (you can do them online) and see if that opens his eyes.

I hop he does not work with food...

my sister is similar, their family has a lot of stomach bugs.

I don't eat at their house.

would he go if you enrolled him in a food safety couse?

I read this earlier this morning and was nearly sick.

Vile. Utterly vile.

OP this is unacceptable for all of your health. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me to living together.

Do you think he does these things to get out of doing anything around the house? Was he brought up like this?

I would suggest showing him this thread and some factual health websites that show the risks of these things to himself and loved ones. If that doesn't work I think you need to accept he won't "get it" and that the only way he might is when one of you end up in hospital or worse with a serious illness due to the lack of hygiene. I would ask him to leave before that happens and not let the children eat etc where he does

The sheet was wet from diarrhoea, not wee 😷

His family are nothing like this, I don't know why he is. I don't nag him, I generally redo things and throw any cloths away he's used. I do the pets so he can't use the sink but seeing as he can't do jobs without being vile and can't supervise the DC without letting them risk their health, it doesn't leave an awful lot he can do.

If I left (I really feel like I can't bear it anymore) and he took me to court though, his hygiene would sound like a spurious restricting contact. He doesn't 'like' mattress covers and it makes my skin crawl to think he'd have the DC sleeping in soiled mattresses.

Diarrhoea - oh how utterly gross

If my husband did this, I'd sit down with a slide show about what happens when children (a two year old with a developing immune system!) ingest poo.

He's actually jeopardising your child's health. You need to maintain the strictest hygiene routines when there is a stomach bug in the house. I can't believe he doesn't realise this.

Can you talk to his mother about this?

The chicken board/knife thing is just sheer stupidity aswell as a lack of hygiene. That's seriously dangerous.

The rest of it yes, its bloody grim and I couldn't cope with that. You mention a lot of animals too so home hygiene is really, really important. Not sure what to advise really but no, YANBU.

One of my pet peeves is when people who have dangerously lax hygiene will sneer about people you know, taking care with raw chicken, poo and the like, being OCD.

How can you not 'like' matress covers with young DC's ? It seems foolhardy not to have one

I suspect his 'I don't like mattress covers' equates to 'I'm too lazy to use them'.
There's really nothing not to like, otherwise.

I think you have plenty of perfectly reasonable examples of unreasonable behaviour if you wanted to shoot the breeze with a family solicitor.

He continually endangers you and your family's health. He refuses to engage with normal hygiene rules. Dismisses your concerns. Fails to prevent the children from endangering themselves (happily letting dc lick eggs etc is neglect). Fails to co-parent, basically.

What are his good points OP?

This issue must dominate your whole family life, and you particularly, must be on edge all the time wondering when you're next going to have to step in to prevent some bio-disaster.

You shouldn't have to live like that.