To play him at his own game?

[DaisyChaining]

My DDs dad is a proper shit. Doesn't turn up for contact half the time, making me miss uni and work and stuff. Doesn't particularly pay his way, though he acts like he's paying me a fortune 🙄

Anyway, he finally came and got her today two hours late. I went to a big festival and have been drinking all day. I'm going to be hungover tomorrow.

He's saying he needs to bring her back in the morning as he's got things to do. AIBU to just ignore him until 3/4ish when I've properly indulged my hangover? Considering what he does to me on a regular occasion.

Personally I would start not being flexible. So if he isn't there on time - then you and DD have gone out to have fun. If he wants to drop her off early, well you don't have your phone, it's switched off, you can't get back in time.

As long as your DD is safe, and it just inconveniences him.

So it's ok for the father to change plans then? If the OP had come on and said he's changing plans and bringing the child back early but she's arranged to go to church or out for a walk you'd all tell her to tell him to bugger off!

OP hope you had a great time yesterday and that the hangover isn't too bad this morning. God for bid a mum having a day out and more than one glass of wine.

Your poor child shouldn't be a pawn in your immature game.

Grow the fuck up and try to be a parent.

This.

My ex can be a PITA but I've taken the route of ensuring my children know they can at least rely on me

No, it's not ok for him to change his plans but if he's 'like that' then the only way to 'play him at his own game' is to make it clear - beforehand - that you will not be around until x-o'clock/day and that HE is responsible.

Fuckwit parents that don't put their children first (and I'm talking about HIM not the OP), can't be relied on to do what's best for them and make them happy and comfortable - so they have to be pinned down HARD.

I don't recall MANY instances of being anxious and feeling in the way as a kid but the ones that I do remember are firmly implanted in my head still. Just saying.

I think what has got people's backs up (it certainly did mine) is the thread title about playing her ex at his own game. It has a childish, vindictive ring to it. Co-parenting is not a game with points to be scored and eventual winners and losers.

That being said the OP is correct to insist that her ex sticks to any pre- agreed arrangements. She shouldn't have to justify that. She is also perfectly entitled to go out and have whatever form of fun she chooses when her DD is with the dad.

My concern would be that he'd take this as a sign he can be even more flakey that he has been. If you could say picking up early doesn't work for me as I have plans, and you think this wouldn't change his futur behaviour, do it.

Sounds like he's doing it deliberately to ruin OPs day.

You're not being a reliable perfect mum by teaching your dd that every time someone tries to bully you then you just roll over like a martyr.

If he will be abusive to her, leave her on a street corner or something then absolutely you drop everything and get her. Of course you do.

If refusing to drop everything and change your plans means that the father and daughter just have to spend the day together as he had agreed, or if he needs childcare then he finds proper childcare, surely that is the best outcome?

I love how this parent doesn't get a day because parenting is a FT job yet the dad can have anytime off he chooses and have his DD as he when he chooses and it suits.

I 100% agree that children shouldn't be used as pawns in a game.

But the DD has contact with her dad - she's being looked after by a parent.

And in many court cases if the RP doesn't make the child available at contact times they are in breach of an order - yet there is no breach of the father doesn't turn up or drops off early.

OP make sure you have a massive lie in this morning, a lovely fry up and maybe a hair of the dog at lunchtime. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting to spend time with your daughter whether hungover or not. Have a lovely lazy evening with her tonight when she's back with you. Enjoy your day.

Poor op has had a thrashing on here. She's fed up, she is the consistent parent here yet she's being bashed for wanting just a day off. Maybe it's not the right thing for her Dd to be with the father but poor op just sounds like she wants a break.

I think some posters are just reading something different or what they want to read.

Is anybody saying that OP shouldn't make this poor excuse for a dad take his responsibilities? No, they aren't. OP deserves to have time away from her child - and peaceful time at that, in the knowledge that her daughter is safe and being looked after by her father.

The only way to achieve that is to lay down the rules, ie. once the days and times are agreed, never to deviate. You do it once as a favour and it goes wrong, you never do it again - the days and times stick.

Only OP knows how bad her ex really is. Perhaps she just posted for validation, knowing quite well that he's not a terrible father and her DD will be fine? We can only know what has been posted.

OP - the key point is what time your DD was DUE back.

If you haven't arrange a set time, then there's your problem. You need to be firm - not by "playing him" at any game but arrange set contact times with set hours. Do it via court if you have to.

But right now the important part of this equation is your DD - so yes, I would change any plan in the world I had so she knew she had one parent she could rely on.

I hope you're having a nice lie in OP!!! Enjoy and ignore the righteous vipers comments on this thread

Unfortunately the days of indulging hangovers are almost impossible when you have children. You either suck it up and get on with it or don't drink to excess that you have a hangover.

What time was he supposed to return her?

Unfortunately she can yes, as it is legal, but I will fucking judge any parent who does so and then has their children the next morning when they're hungover

Daughter is not due back until the afternoon. HTH.

OP - you would not be unreasonable to go back to bed and get up and read your message at the time that he is due to drop her back off.

Honestly- judge, judge, drama, judge!!! Some of the posters on this thread need to understand you don't stop being a human in your own right just because you have a child.

The impression I got from the OP was her DD wouldn't have been due back until the afternoon giving her plenty of time to be over the effects of the prior day.
Also- she went to a festival! I imagine this isn't a common occurrence so she can bloody well spend the day drinking if she fancies!
She didn't say "I sat about getting pissed all day in the garden like I do every time DD is away".

She is allowed a social life, she will be perfectly able to look after her DD with a bit of a hangover or a bit tired should it come to it, but I imagine a lie in would be preferable. I have kids and the occasional lie in is bliss- doesn't make me a terrible parent and terrible human being!

OP, as PP have said, if your DD will be safe and cared for then just ignore ExH- he needs to learn to take responsibility for the child he helped create for the small amount of time he actually has her.

He's flakey with contact.
He was 2 hours late picking DD up.
He wants to drop her off this morning because he has "things to do"

So what? So has the OP. She has "things to do". She might have had "things to do" in the 2 hours she was waiting (not 100% sure that he'd turn up, on previous history )
What was the original time to drop her home?

Ignore the Ex. Catch up on sleep.

OP, if your daughter will be well cared for then good grief do not change your plans! He sounds like a complete tosspot. Don't make arrangements to see your child and give her up half way through!! I hate deadbeat parents

What OP does is up to her, I'm not judging. She's entitled to have fun.
What concerns me is she's referring to this situation as a game. I remember being the child in the middle of warring parents, big game players. I hope whatever happens OP handles it well in front of her daughter.

Hi OP. I've been in a similar situation to you. I split with children's Dad when there were 4 and 2. I was only 28 at the time, and like you, wanted some time to myself to go out and enjoy myself. Ex DP made this as difficult as possible, late for pick up/ didn't turn up at all, always wanted to drop off early. Like you, I felt, quite rightly, I was entitled to time to myself and tried to 'play him at his own game'. This led to huge rows and him really blowing up at me, which my kids witnessed.

After time went on, I made the decision this was unfair to my children and decided to stop relying on him. This meant putting my life on hold a bit, but it was worth it for my children not to have to be caught in the middle of it all

This was 14 years ago. DS1 sees his Dad very occasionally. DS2 won't have anything to do with him. I have a fantastic relationship with them both and they've grown up into happy. Well adjusted young men.

So I think you just need to be the bigger person here and not stoop to his level. I do get how hard and frustrating that is, but you and the kids will be better off in the long term x

Agree with Violetcharlotte. I was in a similar position when the dcs were young. My ex often wouldn't turn up, sometimes for three or four weekends on the trot. It broke my heart to see their little faces waiting for him, so eventually I decided to allow him a half hour leeway and then if he didn't turn up I would say come on kids, let's go swimming/to the park/to the local country park or whatever and we would go out. I definitely think this was the best thing, as I was not removing his chance to see them I was just not making them hang about wasting their Saturday. And I did have a bit of a social life, I found a reliable teenager and paid her to mind them in the evenings sometimes.

Please OP, ignore the sanctimonious arse holes on the thread. You are perfectly entitled to go day drinking at a festival while DD is being looked after by her DAD. He IBU by changing the plan and trying to bring her back early. This wasn't the original plan which I'm sure you had factored in plenty of time to get over your hangover.

I can't stand all this judging because a single mum has dared to do as she pleases in her no-contact time. Twats.

Fibberdee although in theory you're right, unfortunately DD is the one who will suffer here. I imagine ex P, who sounds like a complete twat, will either just bring her back anyway, leading to a showdown on the doorstep, or spend the morning getting more and more worked up as OPs not answering his calls. Not much fun for a LO.

Completely agree that OP has done nothing wrong though and getting pissed at a festival is absolutely ok!

Wow, just woke up and read some of these replies 😮 that'll teach me for posting in AIBU drunk.

Maybe my wording sounded off I blame the cider. My daughter is the most wanted, loved little girl in the whole wide world and I adore her and adore spending time with her. She is beautiful and clever and funny and I absolutely worship her, she changed my life and I work so hard to make sure she has, and will have everything she needs to have a happy and healthy life. She doesn't need anyone's sympathy.

Her dad was supposed to have her all day today yes, otherwise I wouldn't have drank so much. He is very very unreliable, and can be quite spiteful, especially if I ever want to go out (which I do about 3 times a year, at 23 years old, for anyone thinking I regularly choose to get pissed over spending time with DD).

I have desperately tried, to the point of losing self respect, to make us have a good and civil co parenting relationship. He refuses to agree to this, and we mostly have to speak indirectly through other people because he dislikes me too much that even sending a text to me is too painful 🙄 I agree it's immature, it's not of my choosing. She's just turned two, I really hope he grows up before she realises her dad can't bear to even look at her mum.

But she loves him, she loves spending time with him, he loves her and she is well cared for when the contact actually happens. He lives with a family friend as a lodger and she's just sent me a picture of them all (her granddaughter too) playing in the paddling pool together this morning, and asked if she could drop her back at 2. I've woke up without much of a hangover at all, can't believe my luck! Going to have a nice bath and attempt to wash all the glitter off , order a dominos and chill with a bit of Netflix until my DD comes home, then we'll probably laze around and play and cuddle for the rest of the day. Going to take her to the sea life centre tomorrow to ease the guilt I feel now from all you vipers

Great update OP, enjoy your Dominos and Netflix