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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To play him at his own game?

104 replies

DaisyChaining · 11/06/2017 03:41

My DDs dad is a proper shit. Doesn't turn up for contact half the time, making me miss uni and work and stuff. Doesn't particularly pay his way, though he acts like he's paying me a fortune 🙄

Anyway, he finally came and got her today two hours late. I went to a big festival and have been drinking all day. I'm going to be hungover tomorrow.

He's saying he needs to bring her back in the morning as he's got things to do. AIBU to just ignore him until 3/4ish when I've properly indulged my hangover? Considering what he does to me on a regular occasion.

OP posts:
user1487372252 · 11/06/2017 08:06

Hope you are feeling ok op. I'm glad more people are now on to say that going to a festival and drinking does not make you a bad mother.

If he does drop her to you is there an option for a parent/good friend who wasn't with you at the party to come round and help with watching her today?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 11/06/2017 08:06

What about HIS responsibilty to do what he says he will do and not let his daughter down? He made a commitment and now wants to break it. Doesn't matter what OP has been doing. Tell him no and that you are sticking to the agreed plan.

"Things to do" have to be fitted around the child, not the other way around. He presumably has plenty of time when he is not with his child, unlike OP.

IDontBowlOnShabbos · 11/06/2017 08:07

It's fine for middle class people to get pissed on wine/gin but single mothers at festivals ruin children's lives apparently.

OP he's probably only saying he needs to bring her back early because he knows you'll be hungover and he wants to ruin your day.

In your situation I would ignore him if I thought he would be responsible either by looking after her himself or taking her to his mum's or something.

If you think he might just spend the whole morning moaning at her, badmouthing you in front of her, talking about not wanting to look after her, then I would go home and just have a chilled day with her. It's not worth the hassle to her, even though it sounds like you need a break!

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 11/06/2017 08:08

YANBU to make him stick to the original plan.

Trifleorbust · 11/06/2017 08:14

In your situation I would ignore him if I thought he would be responsible either by looking after her himself or taking her to his mum's or something.

Nice bit of casual sexism there.

caffeinestream · 11/06/2017 08:14

Yeah, how dare OP except her child's FATHER to take responsibility and look after his daughter for a change?

Of course, it's her fault for daring to have a life when her child is with it's other parent, when she looks after said child 99% of the time anyway!

Honestly, some parents on here will always blame the OP no matter what. She was perfectly entitled to go to a festival with her friends and get drunk. She is not in the wrong here!

If her ex has stuff to do, he can do what every other parent in the world does and take his child with him!

RickOShay · 11/06/2017 08:17

Hallelujah thought i was the lone voice in the wilderness there.
op you h

RickOShay · 11/06/2017 08:19

Sorry op it is ok for you to go out. It really is.

moonfacebaby · 11/06/2017 08:24

The parenting part-time comment - what a ridiculous statement!

Part-time parenting is exactly what my exH does. He has then every other weekend whilst living 90 milestone away & can pursue his career easily, go out whenever he likes.

A significant majority of women who are the main carer of their children do not parent on a part-time basis at all. We are generally bloody knackered from doing EVERYTHING for our kids, solo.

Leave the op alone....she's co-parenting with a feckless, irresponsible twat. If she wants to let her hair down on her day off, then she's perfectly entitled to. Its her ex who is letting her child down, not her.

NewDayDawning · 11/06/2017 08:28

Poor child, it sounds like nobody wants her.

Urubu · 11/06/2017 08:28

Another YANBU OP, some posters must live in a parallel universe where it isnok for dads to do whatever they want and mums have to be responsible during dad's time just in case they decide they cannt be bothered...

ItsAMessyLife · 11/06/2017 08:32

Poor child, it sounds like nobody wants her.

Are you always this ridiculously dramatic?

Charley50 · 11/06/2017 08:33

Yes. Ignore him. Hope you are still asleep. Yanbu.

RickOShay · 11/06/2017 08:34

How does it sound nobody wants her?
is there a bit of projecting going on?
Everybody is allowed a DAY OFF, and a day off is exactly what the op is talking about, not handing her daughter to social services.
Think about your response to this, what is going on for you that it makes you feel bad for the dd.

Inertia · 11/06/2017 08:35

If you had an agreement that you would collect your child / be available to take her this morning and you don't fulfil that agreement then YWBU, because it would be detrimental to your daughter.

If you'd agreed that your child would be with her father until late this afternoon, then it's entirely reasonable for you to be unavailable while her other parent does the parenting.

What did you agree between you beforehand?

wowfudge · 11/06/2017 08:37

Tell him you are elsewhere and won't be back until x time as you didn't have notice of the change of plan. If you have to say anything.

thethoughtfox · 11/06/2017 08:39

As long as you make it clear what time you will be available. Don't leave a child confused as to why their mother is not there.

Westray · 11/06/2017 08:41

How does it sound nobody wants her?
is there a bit of projecting going on?

No projection at all.

Dad wants to dump her early, mother doesn't want her.

CrochetBelle · 11/06/2017 08:42

What were the original plans for bringing her home?

balence49 · 11/06/2017 08:42

Il wait in for ex for a certain period of time, up to a hour after the arranged time. After that go out, with your child. Mine used to try and have me waiting round all day for him to turn up 4 or 5 hours late if at all. Bugger that, il wait a hour ( he's on a bus so obviously I know he might not be bang on time.) I think a hour is plenty of time, after all he makes it to work on time every day. He tried ringing me with abuse about how I'd better drop her off NOW one evening after he had not turned up. I calmly said he would now have to wait until next contact, why should he be able to use contact to continue to try and control me.
I had to do this maybe 6 times when she was a baby and he soon got with the programme. Il be reasonable about most things, but I won't have the piss taken out of me by that cockend!

ThatsWotSheSaid · 11/06/2017 08:45

Hope you managed to ignore the idiots on this thread and have a good night.
It makes me cross that even on mumsnet a mum would get this crap.
When it's his time he needs to arrange childcare if he can't look after her himself. However, if you DD will suffer I'd say okay and take her to the cinema or something.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/06/2017 08:45

How will your daughter feel about this OP? That's the only relevant question really.

I don't care what parents do, how drunk or hungover they are - as long as somebody competent and caring is looking after the children they created. If that means giving daughter to a willing neighbour better that than this pathetic shit.

If that makes me sanctimonious and pious I don't give a hoot. What adults perceive isn't always how the children see it from their child's outlook and I've been that child in fear and feeling in the way. If you never have then great, happy for you, but I can tell you that it isn't nice to think you're the catalyst for yet more sniping between your parents.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 11/06/2017 08:48

westry of cause kids are inconvenient sometimes. Otherwise no one would need childcare or baby sitters. It's not about not wanting her it's about needing a well earned occasional break from the relentless mental effort of being a good mum.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 11/06/2017 08:48

*Of course

Lucked · 11/06/2017 08:56

I a presuming she is not due back until evening in which case OP has given herself plenty of time to recover. Only you know how good a parent he is when he actually has her, if he is good to her then leave her with dad as you are busy.

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